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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  Red Storm Moderators: bert
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  Author    Red Storm  (currently 7528 views)
Don
Posted: August 19th, 2009, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Red Storm by James McClung - Western -  A nomadic bounty hunter is caught in the middle of a vicious power struggle while on the hunt for a faceless serial killer. 103 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  December 10th, 2010, 2:20pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 20th, 2009, 1:02am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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James, this is "The Nameless", huh?  You should have let me know you were posting this.

I will give it a read again.  I started out and I see you changed some things early on that  were issues when I read it.

I'll try and get to this ASAP, but things have fallen into the shitter in my life.

I will give you a plug here, in hopes of bumping your reads...

This is has alot going for it, even in an early draft that I read awhile back.  Check it out and post what you think.

I'll be back...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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James McClung
Posted: August 20th, 2009, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff. Sorry things haven't been going so well. Take your time getting to this one. A lot of what I've changed is in the descriptions as you pointed out although I've tweaked some of the dialogue, primarily as a means of giving a better sense of the main character. The general flow of events is about the same though. I changed the title to distance myself from the Eastwood flicks. Maybe I should've watched a few before writing this but I wanted to be free of influence. Anyway, hope this new draft does something for you.


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grademan
Posted: August 20th, 2009, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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James –

Very absorbing script here. Well constructed.  I liked it a lot. For another western script on the gory side check out The Brigands of Rattleborge at Scriptshadow.

Gary

Here are my notes  (and I took a lot of them!):

ACTION / STORY

Action in the first 10 seconds – kudos!

10 – Great first 10 pages

12 – Nice visual title sequence

13 – The obligatory bar fight; nice action though

17 - The Mayor shouldn’t be shocked that Red Storm doesn’t care; the Mayor is a man in his 60s

18 - You have to do your exposition somewhere.  At least it’s not one big block of dialogue.

25 – So, at this time no one knows Red Storm’s name. Nor that of The Barber. Cool. And Red Storm is a bounty hunter? Way cool.

24 - More exposition.  Shift more of this to the flashback?

26 –The prostitute is beautiful and named Loretta. Yawn.

29 – The villain wears black. Yawn.

30 - No wait Loretta has scars both physical and emotional – much better

30 - The villain spouts religious nonsense while killing. Yawn again. EDIT: Okay I know why – it’s essential to the Bell Tower scene (and a few others).

40 – Red Storm finds a suspicious salesman who looks like he might be The Barber in the first bar he looks in?

42 - Now Harvey Hill is referred to as The Barber in description?

45 – Okay, I was misled to think Harvey was The Barber. Well done.

47- So the Barber is a sick freak with his “wigs.”

54 - BTW, Bower is a great name for the second in command and double agent.

68 – Now Bower is after The Barber and Red Storm because he was found out as a double crosser.

78 - Series of shots. Red Storm acts like Clint Eastwood’s Indian brother.

62 – Red Storm sees mercenaries killing Indians. It’s déjà vu all over again. I like it.

83 – Excellent action sequence at the Bell Tower

101 – Go in on “two” not “three”

104 – Does this knock down drag out fight end with a swig of beer? Okay I can see that.

114 – Red Storm dies a little too easily here. Is he really that ready to die? Nice imagery with Grey Elk though.

WORD CHOICE

10 – I don’t think Red Storm could do all he does if he’s described as “emaciated”

14 - “It’s curtains for you, boy” – a little clichéd?

15 - “as he proceeds to kick the living shit out of” awkward

19 - “Would you be more than satisfied to rot away at the gallows?” you usually don’t rot at the gallows unless they leave you hanging

20 - The dialogue between Bower and Red Storm can be trimmed down. For example, Bower could just say “Why don’t you run along before we have to kick your sorry red ass all over again.”  Same intent, less lines.

24 - Red Storm’s line “Cash ain’t no luxury to me. It’s a necessary evil and I can’t afford to say it’s beneath me.” It’s a great piece of dialogue.  Short and says a lot about the character.

24 - Whoa. I couldn't make sense of this one. I even read it out loud. “You’ve got nothing left to lose. Just everything you’ve got left.”

30 - The word “synthetic” is not a word I would use in a western even if it is in description.

30 - Loretta’s flashback lines are particularly good “Every girl has her price.” The dual dialogue “You deserve to die.” is great.

42 – Not sure about Bower talking to himself.

43 – “Robotic” is another word I wouldn’t use in a western

57 - “Cronies” is becoming overused

67 “Scott free” is this western speak?

82 – Dialogue here is very predictable. “Are you ready to quit?" “Never.” But sometimes simplest is best.

86 – Red Storm “You talk too much.” Bravo, I was thinking the same thing.

103 – No reason for an “unseen force”

112 – “Take him out boss” sounds like mobster speak






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James McClung
Posted: August 20th, 2009, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Gary! Glad you enjoyed it, even with a couple yawns in there. My approach to this script was by no means "writerly." I just wanted to write something fun that kicks ass for a change. I think naturally people are going to have issues with the cartoony nature of it all but my goal was to write a Western the way I think Westerns should be. Naturally, there's gonna be a few cliches and archetypes around but oh well. Like I said. This is just a fun ride and something of a test for myself to see if I could write a Western.

I'll take a look at some of the out-of-place word choices. For the descriptions, I don't really see the issue. They're not going to show up on screen. You may be right about the others though. I'll look into it.

Thanks again!


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grademan
Posted: August 20th, 2009, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hey James, nice to see others trying to break free. I need to find my way to be a little less anal. Speaking of that, have you read my new script? Shameless, i know.
Just follow the link below.

Gary
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abelorfao
Posted: August 21st, 2009, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, James. I've just read your script and here are my thoughts.

I found this to be a breeze to read (quite impressive for such a lengthy script), and I must say I enjoyed this more than your Night Shift screenplay. Still, there are a few points you may want to consider.

You might want to rephrase your description of Red. When he is introduced, Red is described as having an emaciated physique which greatly implies he is physically weak and unimposing. During the course of the story, however, Red handles himself quite well in numerous fights and even tears out someone's Achilles tendon with his bare hands. You may want to consider a description which better conveys his slender but strong physique.

I also wonder if the climactic battle would work better if it built up to Red's confrontation with Lebeaux instead of starting with it. As it stands, the climax ends with Red beating some nameless flunkies in the bar. I think the battle concluding with Red taking care of Lebeaux would cause it to end on a more exhilarating note.

As with your Night Shift script, several lines of dialogue spill over onto the next page without a MORE and CONT'D parenthetical. Once again, I'd recommend just shifting these lines to the next page.

Here are the points which stuck with me as I read the script.

Page 1: The phrase "blood shot" should be "bloodshot."

Page 2: One of the cues is simply titled MERCENARY. Did you intend for this line to be spoken by Judd or the third member of the party? If you meant the latter, you may as well give him a name at this point.

Page 6: The phrases "no nonsense" and "s*** eating" should be "no-nonsense" and "s***-eating" respectively.

Page 14: Considering it is a name for a type of cramp, I would rephrase the part where Red "charley horses" (small-c, by the way) the deputy.

Page 18: I'm not sure if you need a flashback to let the audience know Lebeaux cost Bower his eye. If you're worried the audience may miss this, you could simply have Thompson rub his right eye as he mentions what Lebeaux did.

Page 36: You may want to clarify Thompson's explanation, as it took me a few moments to figure out why he was so upset upon learning Red was after the Barber.

Page 39: The phrase "molasses covered" should be molasses-covered."

Page 54: The sentence "Good day, mayor" should be "Good day, Mayor."

Page 55: The sentence "The cat's outta the bag, mayor" should be "The cat's outta the bag, Mayor."

Page 56: There is an extra paragraph break between one of Thompson and Lebeaux's cues.

Page 65: There is an extra break between the last two paragraphs.

Page 67: The phrase "Scott free" should be "scot-free."

Page 80: There should be a paragraph break after Bower grabs his revolver.

Page 83: The phrase "swing on the Barber" should be "swing at the Barber."

Page 93: The phrase "Tata" should be "ta-ta."

Page 102: Would Red really decapitate Lebeaux with the sword so easily and quickly? Given it was encased in a cane, it would seem the blade would be to thin to cut through the bones in his neck.

I hope this response helps, James, and good luck with your script.
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screenplay_novice
Posted: August 25th, 2009, 1:30am Report to Moderator
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I think you have a pretty strong story here. It was action packed. There was something happening all the time but it wasn't so busy that it was distracting, which is good. It also had an excellent flow. My chief complaint though, is that Red Storm died too easily. In the closing scenes at Thompson's office, he survived a pretty vicious fight only to go out so quickly. I would rework his death scene, make it a bit more meaningful.
The dialogue was good and the pacing was good. The characters were believable but I'd like to see a little more description of the towns, i.e. buildings, furniture, scenery, etc. I know I have a tendency to over-describe things, but sometimes a bit more is needed.
Not a bad script at all. I liked it!


If you can't beat 'em, then get yourself a bigger stick!
John Mavity
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James McClung
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Thanks for the read, dude! I agree about the descriptions. I also tend to overdescribe although in this case, I seem to have done the opposite. As for Red Storm's death scene, not only is he ready to die, he wants to as he realizes that living alone and removed from society isn't all it's cracked up to be. Really, the whole script is about a guy who's life hasn't really worked out for him and yet he endures more than the characters who live their lives based on ideologies. The undercurrent of the whole script is kinda hard to understand. Still, I can agree. The death scene could use a little more. Thanks again!


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rock.
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Hey, I started reading it.  Since it would probably be impossible to comment on something that these other readers haven't already touched on, I'll just give my thoughts so far.
Opens with bang (literally).  Good.  Kept me interested.
I dunno if its just me, but the time jump from age 3 to age 8 was a little strange.  Coddled by a bunch of prostitutes...then BAM, he's 8 years old.  
Red Storm's name hasn't been introduced yet, right?

"Red Storm grabs the deputy by the arm and shoves it
backward forcing the deputy to stab himself in the neck
with his own weapon."
I don't really understand this.  If he just pushes his arm straight back, the sharp edge of the bottle wouldn't make contact with him.  Does he actually grab his arm, then twist it around so that it stabs him in the neck?  If that's how I'm imagining it, it sounds really anti-climatic.

Very gory and violent...Zack Snyder would be the perfect director for this movie...oh wait, it's not based on a graphic novel..

From what I've read so far, it seems really well written and interesting.  I'll try to finish within the next week or so.


My scripts:

Façade:  In a "film noir" set in the 1950's, a detective investigates the murder of a teenage boy in the quintessential 50's American suburbs, and as he slowly peels back the veneer of the picture perfect family, he realizes nothing is what it seems, unaware of what secrets he will uncover.
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James McClung
Posted: October 19th, 2009, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for commenting, rock. Honestly, I'm not a Zack Snyder fan. I enjoyed Watchmen but his style's way too flashy for my taste. This is supposed to be way more down and dirty. Anyway, I'm about halfway through your script. Hopefully, I'll have it finished by the end of this week.


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rock.
Posted: October 23rd, 2009, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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Finally finished!  And to respond to your post, I completely agree.  I watched Watchmen, it was so terrible I couldn't even finish it.  Probably one of the worst films I've seen in recent years...even worse than Transformers, and that's REALLY saying something.

Now to your script...

A little slow at first, but it really picks up.  the scenes like the one on pg. 42, the whole scene in the chapel and the final fight scene with all the cronies were real exciting and interesting, and I really enjoyed them, although just a little too violent for my taste (if it were a real movie, i would not be able to watch it...sorry )

For me, the action/fight scenes, etc. is where this script really shined.  You have superbly written and wonderfully choreographed fight scenes throughout the story which I thoroughly enjoyed.  The 'sitting in the office talking' scenes, that were numerous in your script, were a bit more dull, and a little hard to follow.  idk if it's just me, maybe i was just extremely distracted when reading this. Dialogue, as well as descriptions, is well-written, although it sounds too typical and too used of these kinds of genres of films, if that makes any sense at all.

Also, the Barber, although he was a really sinister, dark villain, i didn't get his motives at all.  Why does he hunt down prostitutes for their hair?  I was thinking he needed the hair to disguise himself, but he wouldn't even need to be disguised if he stopped killing women for their hair, which he needs to disguise himself.  Kind of goes in a circle...how did he even start being a murderer?

The ending I didn't really get.  Why did Alistair feel scared of Red Storm and why was he hesitating?  It didn't really create a sense of closure for me.

Also, I don't think Red Storm's name was actually ever introduced in the dialogue.  Only descriptions.  If it were a real movie and I was sitting and watching it, Red Storm's name would never be mentioned (except for the title of the movie itself, although it could be referring to a dust storm or something) so essentially he is a nameless character.  Unless it was intentional, maybe try reworking it to introduce his name somewhere?

"...and slashes his shoulder with the straight razor."  (p. 83) Wasn't Delilah holding the razor?  How did he get it back?

a few grammatical errors here and there, like 'too' instead of 'to' on page 91 and 'The' instead of 'They' at the bottom of pg.104

Anyway, really nice.  I liked it a lot.  I was actually able to read like 80% of it in one sitting.  That should be a clue as to how much I enjoyed it.  Hope you enjoy 'Shadow of the Dragon'.  I hope it's not too boring or anything...


My scripts:

Façade:  In a "film noir" set in the 1950's, a detective investigates the murder of a teenage boy in the quintessential 50's American suburbs, and as he slowly peels back the veneer of the picture perfect family, he realizes nothing is what it seems, unaware of what secrets he will uncover.
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Scoob
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Well, you weren't kidding when you said this is a fast read, James!

The first ten pages have gone by in no time yet we have already began on an interesting story.
Very easy to picture what you are going for here, it definitely has that Western feel and I always enjoy your descriptions. Just nice small things like Red Storm's room always help to form an atmosphere and vibe that sticks with the character and the absinthe/heartbeat/knocking on door was well put together to name just one instance.

22: Like the whole Lebreux eye ball scene when RS first meets him. Nice dialogue here.
The Barber sounds like he's gonna be an interesting character. Lives up to it when we see what he does to Loretta. I thought this was a really good scene, especially the violence and even from the build up to introducing Loretta with the synthetic looking hair.
35: "Keep an eye ON him." 68: Missing word in Alistairs' corpse dialogue ( couple of others here and there but nothing major.)

There is a lot of suspense when RS is looking for the Barber and he gets mixed up with Harvey. I was thinking this is a little too easy when he comes up to him in the bar so that was a red herring that certainly worked on me. Great little scene there and I think you wrote it all really well. The Barber's character also comes out a little more and he appears to be here to do his version of God's work and clean up. I think he's a creepy little character so far.

So by page 68, things are still moving at a fast pace which is a great credit to you. It never really has slowed down and the dialogue seems fine to me - maybe barring a couple of moments here and there. A fair bit of double crossing going on as you probably might expect in this kind of story which is a good thing, and I'm looking forward to seeing how it all pans out.

71: I'd knock out Delilah saying "I'm so stupid". Same with the Pastor "It's you! The murderer!" I think the scene would work a little better without it.
All the following is good stuff. The classic stand off, the Barber's fight with Bower and the result of that. Particularly liked the detail when Bower hit the ground.

88: Great touch with the vultures and then Lebreaux's men gather round.
93: Loretta's revenge! Awesome and...painful.
101: "Boss! Tell me you're still alive!" - just one of those slightly awkward dialogue pieces I don't think you really need in here. The action itself is fine.

Red Storm goes on a rampage. Bloodbath ensues! This guy can dish it out as harsh as he can take it.
The following meeting with Thompson - not sure I buy he would even argue with Red Storm in his shape. Considering he has just plumped the head of his adversary - a guy who recently beat him up - maybe his reactions would be more shaken? He does seem the type to always have someone do his dirty work whilst he stays in his safe haven. I know he falls off his chair, and he does need to argue, but it's just something small that niggled me.

And to the ending, which does give it that what comes around goes around feel crossed with Red Storm finally being at peace.

There is a good story here. I know that you were more or less testing the waters by writing a western so I think you should be pleased with what you have written. The pace is always fast, it never lags and there is always something happening. The conclusions to the four main characters in here are all satisfying.

RedStorm is bound to bring immediate thoughts to previous Western characters such as Eastwood's the Man With No Name but I still think you gave him his own characteristics with the Indian background and being brought up how he was. I think you made him your own and it worked well. Plus, the guy can seriously drink and take a beating. Or two. Or three.
The Barber was probably the most interesting character for me. He seemed slightly reminiscent of Jack the Ripper, because of his appearance I suppose and killing the prostitutes and having towns in fear. All his idea of ridding the world of evil I imagine.
All the other leading characters were definitely individual from each other.
I'm sure these characters helped to spring out so well in my mind because I could immediately place them fitting in other Western movies, but that's not to say you don't deserve credit for writing them so well.

Which brings me to your writing, which is always really good. There was never a time I could not see what you wanted to put across. All the descriptions of locations and actions were all spot on, as far as I'm concerned. I think you got the right mix of describing things, you didn't go over the top and you didn't underwrite either. It helped to create a perfect Western style mood and atmosphere, and even sprinkle some darker moments too.

The only negative is small. The majority of the dialogue is great, and very impressive. You either know your stuff or you have put in some effort researching. But some of it, mainly the ones I pointed out at the top, feels a little off or just doesn't need to be in there at all.

I cant say this a perfect script, because I doubt there ever is such a thing. But for a first effort at a different genre, I think it's very solid and entertaining. I managed to read it in one sitting so it definitely held my attention. I might have some more to add when I chill out and think about it some more, but hope some of this might help.

Nice one!



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James McClung
Posted: December 15th, 2009, 11:54pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, dude. Yeah, I think you're right. I can do away with a couple of one-liners. I still gotta see some of the old Eastwood flicks so I can figure out how to keep this one unique. Thanks again.


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Ryan1
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James,

The logline pulled me in, so I gave this a read.  For the most part, I enjoyed it.  Once the story gets moving, it pretty much keeps on chugging along.  I see you have a nice command of Old West dialogue, which was proabably my favorite part of the script.  There were a few on the nose lines but you had some gems in there too.  Overall, the dialogue helped give the story that authentic sound that westerns need.  

It's an intriguing concept, this idea of a bounty hunter going after a Jack the Ripper type serial killer in the wild west.  BTW, nice touch with Whitechapel, an obvious nod to Jack.  And there were some gruesome scenes in this with the whores getting scalped and the Sheriff being pecked apart by the vultures.

But, we never really got to know Red Storm, other than what we see on the surface.  This guy has led a tortured existence, and I want to know what's going on in that head of his.  When the story started, I was hoping that his pursuit of the Barber was going to be the great spiritual crusade of his life.  Like, by finding and capturing this psychopath it would somehow force Red Storm to finally confront his own demons.  It seemed that was going to happen when Red Storm encountered Grey Elk.  But nothing happened here.  It seemed a perfect opportunity for Red Storm to verbalize his inner pain and also come to grips with his Navajo culture, which was taken from him so long ago.  But, he just sort of staggered out a cave and collapsed.  No revelations there.

I liked several of your supporting characters, including Bower and Lebeaux.  Their sleaziness adds to the flavor of the tale.  But, I felt the subplots involving the double dealing among Lebeaux, Thompson and Bower sapped some strength and speed from the main thrust of your narrative, which was Red Storm's hunt for the Barber.  For instance, starting on page 50, there is a full ten page absence of Red Storm.  Those pages are filled with exchanges between LeBeaux, Thompson, Alistair and some others.  While subplots are necessary to add depth to your story, here they completely derail the narrative.  The dealings among these characters aren't nearly as interesting as what Red Storm is facing.  I really thought you needed to devote more time to the cat and mouse game between Red Storm and the Barber.  I also wanted to learn a lot more about the Barber.  You don't give us much on this guy.  We don't know who he is, where he comes from or why he hates women so much.  He gives us the old "I'm doing God's work" line, but there's no reasoning behind it.  A little backstory on him would have helped.  Maybe parallel his brutal upbringing with Red Storm's childhood, like they're two sides of the same damaged coin.

For me, the story pretty much ended once Red Storm delivered the Barber to LeBeaux.  Once he's out of the picture, Red Storm's quest has come to an end.  I found the shootout scene and fight scene after Lebeaux's death redundant.  Also, your overuse of the words "crony" and "cronies" became comical.  Several times, you seem to use the single Character name CRONY for like five different guys.  If you're not going to give them names, as least give them a little something to define them for us.  Or call them something other than crony.

The ending I found very unsatisfying.  I have no problem with sad endings, but this just fell flat for me.  Red Storm's arc was not even close to being fully formed when he died.  He never seemed to grow or learn much about himself.  He has the potential to be a fascinating character, and he deserved a more fitting end, IMO.

So, while I did enjoy the read, I came away feeling that this could have been so much better.  You've got the concept and the characters, you just need to dig more.  Anyway, good luck with it.

Ryan
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