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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  The Killing Man Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Killing Man  (currently 5347 views)
Don
Posted: November 15th, 2013, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Killing Man by Thomas Jamieson - Western - A bounty hunter pursues an elusive serial killer through Gold Rush San Francisco, but the line between hunter and hunted starts to blur in the ultimate fight for survival. 103 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (6 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  February 22nd, 2015, 4:18pm
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ThomasJamieson
Posted: November 23rd, 2013, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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This is my first time posting a screenplay on SimplyScripts.com. I would love to get any feedback possible. I am happy to read/provide notes to other scripts. If anyone has a script he/she would like reviewed, please let me know.
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StevenClark
Posted: November 23rd, 2013, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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Thomas,

Welcome aboard, pal. You'll find pretty much everyone to be helpful and informative here. Don't be afraid to jump right in and start reviewing others' work. It's the best way to get reads, no matter how much experience you may have.

Good luck!

Steve


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Toby_E
Posted: November 23rd, 2013, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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I second everything that Steve just said

You can also post up in the 'Script Review Exchange' sub-forum, as that is another great way to swap reads.

All the best and welcome!


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NickSedario
Posted: November 23rd, 2013, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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Read the first 13 pages and gotta say you've got a very unique writer's voice,  Clear & concise.  Might be a few too many  "we's", "CUT TO's", CLOSE UP's" and whatnot but personally I don't mind.  Others will.   This is definitely a script I'd like to get back to if time allows.  For now, I'll just say good job so far.   But in the same breath I'll also have to say it's overwritten in parts.

I see a rewrite in your future.
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ThomasJamieson
Posted: November 23rd, 2013, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks all for taking the time to provide the info above. It's appreciated.
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NickSedario
Posted: November 25th, 2013, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Is this script as good as I think it is?   Anybody else read it?   To be honest I still haven't had time to read the entire story, but I keep coming back to it and I've read big chunks of the beginning, middle and end.

It's good writing, IMO.  I could see it getting produced.  

Just needs to be trimmed in places.

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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: November 25th, 2013, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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I'll try to get around to this one when I get a chance, but no Nick, you are not the only one who thinks this script is written well.  
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NickSedario
Posted: November 25th, 2013, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
I'll try to get around to this one when I get a chance, but no Nick, you are not the only one who thinks this script is written well.  


Good deal.  I'll be very interested to hear your feedback on this one.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: November 26th, 2013, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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Thomas,

I just wanted to check in with my thoughts on the first 10 of your script.  I will post my thoughts regarding the entire story within the next couple of days, but your work here HAS the goods so far.  I think more peeps need to read this even if you don't care for the genre.

I am a geek when it comes to Westerns, so underrated, and you've managed to capture a period peace like I've never read on the site before.  I do have a few minor issues that linger so far, but the pros of this outweigh the cons by far.

Your use of various angles and shots don't come across poorly at all.  In fact, I think they assist in setting the tone.  It displays alot of craftiness to do this in a manner that is confident and effective.  Excellent work so far, this script is like Christmas Day..  Excited to finish.
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NickSedario
Posted: November 26th, 2013, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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^My thoughts exactly.  
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ThomasJamieson
Posted: November 26th, 2013, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo and Silverback -- thanks very much for your input so far. All I want is for the screenplay to be as strong as possible, so all comments are appreciated and taken seriously.

- Thomas
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NickSedario
Posted: November 26th, 2013, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ThomasJamieson
oJOHNNYoNUTSo and Silverback -- thanks very much for your input so far. All I want is for the screenplay to be as strong as possible, so all comments are appreciated and taken seriously.

- Thomas

How much money do you got?   'Cuz it's gonna cost you.  No but seriously, this script could be contender for Scriptshadow, IMO (after you tweak it).

Might wanna look into it.  http://scriptshadow.net/

What impresses me the most about this story is the fact that the "tone/mood" is consistent and pitch-perfect for a western.  You also have a likeable hero.
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ThomasJamieson
Posted: November 26th, 2013, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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I'll check it out. Thanks!
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: November 29th, 2013, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Thomas,

I'll start by saying you've got one hell of a script on your hands here.  Is there room for more story?  I'll say so, but most of my own issues with this fall at the conclusion's feet.  There's so much to talk about, but I'll condense my thoughts so I don't ramble.

SPOILERS

Never have I read something that felt like I was reading an Elmore Leonard short without it being written by the guy himself.  The Killing Man captures those visuals, characters, and dialogue perfectly.  Not that I'm saying this was your vision for the story, but it's the closest thing I can compare it to genre-wise, and I respect everything about your efforts here.

Similar in premise as The Alienist, it's a story about a serial killer in times where forensic science is absent, leaving the imagination of other killers in awe.  I think that's the reason why this works so well.  It's an awesome concept in an awesome time period.  Morrison is a bitter bounty hunter, a killer himself and seen it all, but none to the likes of this.  And really doesn't bother him, until this serial killer takes a swipe at him, and things become personal.

You handled the characters very well in this.  No one feels overwritten or underwritten.  Every dog has their day and plays their role well.  Plenty of conflict, even the sheriff's problems were brought into the spotlight in a clever way.  The dialogue is OUTSTANDING!  Everything about it.  Some of the best I've ever read, and having anything less than A list actors fill these roles would be a crime.

I do want to mention that Doc can get a little on the nose talking about "serial killers" and "forensics".  It' would've work better if it was still somewhat a mystery, and you give the audience an advantage over characters knowing what exactly is going here, but having the characters wrapping their heads around the gruesome events.

So what is my problem with the story?  Although the ending offers a substantial twist, it only really pays off for the plot and doesn't do much for Morrison's character.  There has got to be more thematic pay off for your protagonist.  That being said, everyone's motives are crystal clear so you have that end covered well.

As far as the writing goes, not much to say.  From a grammar standpoint, you can whittle down a lot of this but it just requires polish.  From the very first sentence, things like replacing "and" with a comma, consistency with contractions unless for dramatic tone could be applied.  The biggest issue is the camera angles and close ups here.  I know in an earlier comment I said it was well done, but as I read on, the POVs and CUs become very distracting.  You have an excellent writing style, but a lot of it isn't necessary to tone or style.  But I will stick to my guns and say the opening sequence was excellent and you should keep it the way it is.

I can comment on this all day, so if you have any further questions let me know.  If you want to make this stronger, then you gots to make it longer.  Or maybe not, but it needs a stronger thematic revelation in the end.

This is a script that deserves to be produced.  It packs a visual punch, and I enjoyed every second of it.  Best of luck with this, one of the better scripts I've read.  I highly recommend this.

Excellent work,

Johnny

Revision History (1 edits)
oJOHNNYoNUTSo  -  November 29th, 2013, 3:36pm
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