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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  The Outbound Limited Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 13th, 2015, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Outbound Limited by Kyle Carmean - Western - An ambitious U.S. Marshal must track down the infamous outlaw, Lewis Wolfinger before he robs a train loaded with two million in gold and escapes to Mexico, but in order to catch him he must team up with Wolfinger’s fugitive ex-lover and avoid a ruthless bounty hunter. 100 pages - pdf, format


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CameronD
Posted: March 23rd, 2015, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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Yay! Another Western.

I'm working right now but I'll give the first ten or so a looksie loo.

Is the wanted poster important? if so why can't we see it? If it isn't why do you start with it?

Too many Bill name drops. Lost the first line by guard 1 "Hey Bill." and let bill's name come up naturally in conversation.

There are four guards that just appear in the armored car. Let the reader know they are there from your first description.

Also the Farro and luck dialogue is cliche. Is that all people in the west do? Talk about gambling and luck?

INT. TRAIN - PASSENGER CAR. DAY

Capitalize STEWARDS on page 2. PASSENGERS, OIL BARONS, MINE OWNERS. Or just lose them all and keep upper crust. Nobody needs to know their occupations.

"Her husband, asleep, snores in response." Lose the words ending in ing.

OUT THE WINDOW NEXT TO HER HUSBAND A GROUP OF HORSES WITH
EMPTY SADDLES GALLOP ALONGSIDE THE TRAIN. Lose the caps.

The saddle line is kinda funny.

Who is Andy?

A lot of the dialogue robbing the safe is very on the nose. "This is too easy." "Don't you trust me?? "Does he know?"

The dynamite is lit but never blows up. How do they get the money out of that safe?

You don't need to write Wolf exiting on page 6.

Who is Marty?

That's all I got to.

Take it from someone who wrote one, train robberies are hard to write because they are so cliche and have been done to death, but there is only so much you can do on a train. Then again, there are some things you can only do on a train. What you've written is very cliched. If you are starting off with a train robbery it better be a knock your socks off awesome scene. Even with the double crosses this isn't. The closest parallel to what you're going for is the beginning of the Dark Knight. Go study that and get some ideas. There is a lot of unneeded dialogue here too. Your characters talk too much about things that really don't need to be explained. The action was confusing at times. The characters tend to blend. They aren't described well, some not at all, and sound alike.

That said, this seems like an early draft. I would suggest polishing it up some more before submitting. You want to put your best foot forward if you want to get reads and feedback. Take this as far as you can and then reach out for help to take it to the next level.   


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