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The Guns (currently 1112 views)
Posted: October 23rd, 2016, 10:15am
So, what are you writing?
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by David Baughn and Jim Prince - Western - Western chalk full of action and surprises. 95 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted: October 23rd, 2016, 1:40pm
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Great to see another western being submitted. This looks like an early effort as there are many issues. -You really need to craft a new logline. As it is, there's nothing to draw someone in to read further. Take a look at other screenplays that are posted to get an idea for yours. -Your screenplay is WAY overwritten. Action should be 2 lines (3 max.) or readers skip ahead (guilty). -Character names need to be capitalized when first introduced. -Trim all the camera direction (cut to, slo-mo, etc.). This should not be the shooting script. That's the director's job. -Action should be written in the present, not progressive (he chops firewood, not he's chopping firewood). Basically write out all verbs ending in -ing. I'm passing all this on to you as I've been called out on the same issues. If you send in a revision, I'll try to read more. Great start. Can't wait to see what it's actually about. ~John
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Posted: October 28th, 2016, 1:08pm
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D & J,
I was in the mood for a western so I read your entire script. Actually took some notes. Then I read John's comments; In total agreement with John's advice and suggestions. No need for me to add anything here. That being said: I liked the "Magnificent 2" premise. AND some of the action scenes. Some nice ending surprises (Calamity and Bea as Mary's mom) and the final brotherly duel. In addition, a little romance, some tough ladies, some really mean, downright savage bad guys. Nicely done. I think the slo mo battle at the end wouldn't be the writer's call, BUT it reminded me a little of "Peckinpah's Wild Bunch). Good stuff. See if you can find a script from a western, read it and then ....Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite, you may have something here. R
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Posted: August 31st, 2017, 7:27am
Been around a while
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You can get the CUT TOs off the script; they are redundant and it will make the script even shorter. And I would take the WGA and the company address off the front cover.
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