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The primary purpose of the SimplyScripts Discussion Board is the discussion of unproduced screenplays. If you are a producer or director lookng for your next project, the works here are available for option, purchase or production only if you receive permission from the author.
NOTE: these screenplays are NOT in the public domain and MAY NOT be used or reproduced for any purpose (including eductional purposes) without the expressedwrittenpermission of the author.
Great to see another western being submitted. This looks like an early effort as there are many issues.
-You really need to craft a new logline. As it is, there's nothing to draw someone in to read further. Take a look at other screenplays that are posted to get an idea for yours.
-Your screenplay is WAY overwritten. Action should be 2 lines (3 max.) or readers skip ahead (guilty).
-Character names need to be capitalized when first introduced.
-Trim all the camera direction (cut to, slo-mo, etc.). This should not be the shooting script. That's the director's job.
-Action should be written in the present, not progressive (he chops firewood, not he's chopping firewood). Basically write out all verbs ending in -ing.
I'm passing all this on to you as I've been called out on the same issues. If you send in a revision, I'll try to read more. Great start. Can't wait to see what it's actually about.
D & J, I was in the mood for a western so I read your entire script. Actually took some notes. Then I read John's comments; In total agreement with John's advice and suggestions. No need for me to add anything here.
That being said: I liked the "Magnificent 2" premise. AND some of the action scenes.
Some nice ending surprises (Calamity and Bea as Mary's mom) and the final brotherly duel.
In addition, a little romance, some tough ladies, some really mean, downright savage bad guys. Nicely done.
I think the slo mo battle at the end wouldn't be the writer's call, BUT it reminded me a little of "Peckinpah's Wild Bunch). Good stuff.
See if you can find a script from a western, read it and then
....Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite, you may have something here.