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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  Legacy Earned Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 27th, 2018, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Legacy Earned by D Scott Mangione - Western - A Spanish Don is sent to eighteenth-century San Antonio to construct the Missions. He must overcome the wilderness and Comanche to reunite with his fiancee and establish his family's legacy. 120 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Matt
Posted: October 28th, 2018, 5:30am Report to Moderator
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I have read the first 6 pages (I only stopped because this is not my type of story/genre)

Feels well written to me, I didn't struggle to read it at all. The action lines I think could be a bit more condensed and more evocative language used.

My only gripe, is the dialogue from Theresa in her first scene, it seems very on the nose and not realistic given what has just happened

Anyway, well done on the script - hopefully someone will read and give more detailed feedback soon.



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CameronD
Posted: October 30th, 2018, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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Some scripts start too early and have pages and pages on unneeded backstory with no impact on the story.

This script I think is one of the few that begins too late. You throw Tello at us in a tantrum and we don't even know who he is or why he's so upset. It's too busy, too much, and I keep feeling like we've missed something important from pg 1.

Now, this can be done successfully in a few ways however. If you quickly flashback after the ranting you can show us what's driven Tello to this fit of rage. Or if this is just how his character is, I'd suggest you keep his introduction short and to the point. He's a drunk, he has a short temper, we get it.

And now we see Tello getting it on with a 22 year old hottie? Is this a flashback? if so you did not mention and if not, it seems jarring to go from drunken rant to this.

Page 6 and I'm not feeling this. I love a good western, but this may not be for me. The logline makes it seem like you have a big adventure planned out which is good, but I think you're rushing to set things up. Your scenes are all very long, and the dialogue is a bit on the nose. I think you need to focus on how to start your story. This needs a bit more setup to work I'm feeling.

Good luck and congrats on completing the script!


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