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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  To keep in character Moderators: bert
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MStandage
Posted: October 8th, 2018, 12:57am Report to Moderator
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Hey guys, new to this board, and new to writing.  Had an idea for a short today, so I wrote out a draft.  It's a quick read and I would love some feedback.  11 pages pdf format.

LOGLINE:  A young man discovers more about his character while attempting to purchase NyQuil.

Thanks!

https://drive.google.com/file/d/13wd_6J2MLLG4_EWoNl6x7OvTIBdQyo48/view?usp=sharing

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Angry Bear  -  October 8th, 2018, 2:06am
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LC
Posted: October 8th, 2018, 4:50am Report to Moderator
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Hi Michael, welcome to SS.

It's a cute little story.

A couple of glaring errors:
Registrars (record takers or hospital doctors) should be Registers, as in the cash register. Perhaps stick with 'checkout #9' etc.

Isle should be Aisle.
An 'isle' is a small island.

Not sure if you need:

He looks beaten. Broken.
Done with life. To make matters worse, he's down with the
flu, his nose is swollen red.


Can't he just be a guy with the flu? That's enough to make someone miserable especially when it means he has to front up to the 'hot girl'.

You did all the embarrassing stuff nicely.  Might have added to his pain if all those full trolleys were in front and behind him to show the lengths he'll go to avoid Meghan.

I think some of the dialogue between Ronda (Rhonda?) and Jason was a bit hit and miss.
Few typos - Wally World should be capped. ' Come help an ogre out, would ya' (not 'and'), and insert comma.

I'd leave Jason's last line out. Only cause you don't need it. A shrug, a smile, from him, might demonstrate his modesty more, and finish on her smile - he's won her over.

It's not bad. Needs tightening up imho, but the essence of it is sweet and feelgood. A kind of drawn out 'meet cute' which is why you want that dialogue to be sparkling.

P.S. If you need free software: trelby.org or: Writer Duet.
P.P.S. Also not sold entirely on the title being as good as it could be. One of my fav writers on these boards wrote a   script called Out Of Character... That's by the by. If I think of anything else I'll let you know.



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LC
Posted: October 9th, 2018, 2:52am Report to Moderator
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Hope I didn't scare you off, Michael.

You should submit this to Don.

Then, get some more feedback.

And, give it full exposure so Producers can find it easily.



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khamanna
Posted: October 9th, 2018, 10:43am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Michael.

Nice script.
I would shorten the first part about Jason and Rhonda to one page though - I think you should keep the funniest stuff and try not to go overboard with Rhonda. Also, I would get rid of the part where Megan tells Rhonda to stop talking this way to Jason.

Libby gave you a lot to work with. Sorry, it's too little from me. And welcome to the boards.
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MStandage
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LC - thanks for taking the time to read my script, your feedback is highly valued and frankly - spot on.  You didn't scare me off; I've been working like a slave lately.

I would like to apologize for the errors, Iím quite embarrassed.  I will be more conscious when it comes to grammar and spelling.

Youíre right, having the flu is enough.  I had a gut feeling while writing it that I should leave out the broke, done with life part.  I was thinking of something like - If Jason's happy in life, you wouldn't know it, because heís got the flu and right now, heís miserable.  Or perhaps, just say he has the flu, and leave it at that.  Lately, Iíve been reading a lot of scripts, and I think Iím starting to mimic other writersí styles instead of developing my own - especially when it comes to description.  

Ronda, is Rhonda.  I donít know how to get better at all this.  I guess I should just check every little word and make sure itís right.  Hopefully with time it will come.
  
Rhondaís dialogue was actually pretty hard for me to write.  I just couldn't seem to get her to sound natural.  She defiantly needs more work.  I think Iím going to trim a good part of her interaction with Jason out as well.

The title really isnít that good.  I considered some variations: In the Keeps of Character, Keeping in Character, To Keep in Character.  To be candid, I donít like any of them.  Perhaps I should just name it Ė Character.  I donít know.





  
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MStandage
Posted: October 9th, 2018, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna
Hey, Michael.

Nice script.
I would shorten the first part about Jason and Rhonda to one page though - I think you should keep the funniest stuff and try not to go overboard with Rhonda. Also, I would get rid of the part where Megan tells Rhonda to stop talking this way to Jason.

Libby gave you a lot to work with. Sorry, it's too little from me. And welcome to the boards.


khamanna, thank you for the feedback.  

Rhonda is overboard, and she needs a lot of trimming.  I'm just confused at which parts land as being funny, and which parts do not.

Thanks again.
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MStandage
Posted: October 9th, 2018, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
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LC -  Who's Don?  I see he's an administrator, but why send it to him?
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LC
Posted: October 10th, 2018, 12:19am Report to Moderator
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Michael, yes, Don is Admin of Simply Scripts.

On the main discussion board home-page you will see: Submit Your Script There you can fill out all the details of your script - Title, logline, genre, etc., then upload the file, and Don will put it up on the site. You can then get feedback from other members of the site, and Producers (who frequent SS) will be able to get in touch with you to film it if it appeals to them.

Make sure you either purchase the FD software  (I wouldn't upload the trial version of FD), or rewrite your script on one of the free software Apps I mentioned above

Also, on your title page, insert the following:

Your email address.

(c) 2018 All rights reserved.

This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.


...

You have a good script for filming potential - contained location, three main characters, and an appealing genre.

As for rewriting, play around with Rhonda's dialogue. It's not bad, and she does make a good foil, so I think the concept of her character is good.

One final note: Simply Scripts is a great site to showcase your work. The best on the Internet imho - all credit to Don.

It relies on quid pro quo, however. Which basically means, you get what you give. Read and critique other member's scripts and they will give back in return.

I don't require any return feedback at the moment btw, but you might want to check out some of the active member's scripts on the board at the moment.

It's relatively quiet on the boards at the moment due to time of year, and also a 'horror challenge' that is currently underway.

...

Four times a year (I think it's four) SS also has a One Week Challenge for writers that you might like to enter. There might be one coming up soon...

P.S. I'm very glad I didn't scare you off.  





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LC  -  October 10th, 2018, 12:34am
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LC
Posted: October 10th, 2018, 2:04am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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A few title suggestions:

The Checkout Girl
In The Bag
Smooth Operator
On Special
The Girl At Register 9
The Girl At Checkout 9
Insufficient Funds
All Figured Out
Between The Lines


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MStandage
Posted: October 12th, 2018, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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LC

Thanks for the help.  I will rewrite and then send it to Don like you said.  How do I give it full exposure?  Just by sending it to Don?  Are there other things I can do?

I'm already playing around the Rhonda's dialogue and making progress.  

Thanks again.  
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