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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Numb Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 18th, 2004, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Numb by Brian Lakes & Doug L. Starks - Thriller - Mitch Taylor, a reluctant drug user, awakens from an auto accident only to find out that he has visions of brutal murders.  With his sanity in shambles, he has to discover what these murders have to do with him. 91 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  February 11th, 2006, 1:15pm
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Posted: January 3rd, 2005, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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Cool story, I mean very vivid.  You really got me on this one, had me guessing left and right.  It wasn't till the end when I started putting your ending together.  At first I thought oh shit another cheesy, it was all a dream type thing.  Then you busted out the killer at the end, fucking brillant.  Another good job man.


"A great numb feeling washes over me as I let go of the past and look forward to the future; everything is preordained.  Manifest, destiny.  You can stop time from happening no more than you can will the oceans to overwhelm the world or to cause the moon to drop from her outer sphere."
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Yeaster
Posted: March 29th, 2010, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure what the rules are concerning necro-posting, but since the writer here is still an active member, I hope it will be alright...

Anyways, thanks again for reading Goblin. I decided to give this a read par your request and I don't regret it at all. Very cool story.

Technical stuff:

Formatting-wise, I found absolutely nothing wrong. You clearly know how to write and made sure that absolutely every line in the script served a purpose. Even when some of scenes were a little boring, they were quickly to read through, so pacing wasn't a problem for me. Good job here.

Characters:

Poor Mitch. Dude really suffered torwards the middle of the story onward. He's probably the kind of character I shouldn't really like, being that he is a dope fiend and not the happiest/nicest guy in the planet (understandly so, mind you!), but he was pretty interesting and fairly likable, all things considering. I did kind of feel that Anna was too good for him though, but she gave it her all to make things work, bless her. Anyways, I felt you did a good job developing your lead character and making me root for him. I was surprised to learn that dude was in his 30s, however. I figured he was around 25/26, at the oldest. He kind of had this man-child way about him, that is oh-so familiar to me being that I am from Baltimore and is surrounded by former/present dope fiends daily.

The other characters served their purposes well. I really liked Detective Snow a lot. He was pretty cool to me and he had some great lines. Jake and Dale were blah. Anna was blah too and seemed like a typical "movie love interest," but she also seemed to be hot so that saved her. Okay, that was pretty shallow, but I did sort like her too. She wasn't featured a whole lot, but she was pretty sweet, driven and seemed that she wanted to make something of herself while Mitch did not, which made me wonder "why is she dealing with this loser???" But there were some lines that suggested that Mitch was once a very different person, and she stayed with him I suppose in hopes that he would return to his former self. Charlie sort of reminded me of my former supervisor (who retired), but a more profane version.

Story:

While your script itself is very well-written, and I found the story to be...while good, kind of unmemorable (until the ending that is, but more on that later!). Granted, this isn't normally my kind of movie, but I wouldn't mind watching it if I was with someone else who wanted to to see it. That said, I would (well, I will) probably enjoy it, but I doubt there would a scene that I'd remember about it months after viewing it. This would make a really good movie, but probably not 'great' for the ending aside, I found to be kind of typical and "safe", as in fairly run-of-the-mill. I should state however, that this may not have much to do with you per say, since I do tend to favor OTT-gore-and-camp-dialogue over the more serious, suspenseful thrillers. But to summarize, this would make quite a good movie and fans of this genre would probably have little to complain about.


Also, I took a few notes as I was reading. A lot of this is small, nit-picky stuff, so take it for what it's worth. SPOILERS AHEAD!



P8: ANNA: "It's luckly someone was around to call 911." - Maybe she should say "you're" instead of "it's?"

P10: SNOW: "Damn, someone really went to town on her" - I am reminded of Horatio Crane. Instant like.

P14: ANNA: "Oh, I'm sorry. The same dream?" - That might sound better.

P22: SNOW: "Good God! Have someone hot dog with your ketchup." - *dead* I thought that was pretty funny.

P26: The scene where Mitch day-dreams about the young woman turning into his mom pushing a younger version of him on the swing was all kinds of cheesy, but I can't think of anything else you can possibly replace it with, haha. Then again, I can imagine some people going "awww" at it, so yeah.

P41: Well, I certainly didn't see that coming. [/sarcasm]

P48: ANNA: "I know something's bothering you." -- Well, yeah. He pretty much just said so.

P51: Did Anna know Mitch was a druggie before she hooked up with him? If so, the devil in me is tempeted say "that's what she gets!" but if he wasn't on drugs and she made an honest effort to get him to change his ways, then I really feel for her. It's rough seeing someone you love sink deep and deeper into the abyss. Then again, either way it's rough. If she knew he was on drugs but saw some good/potential in him and thought she could change the direction his life was taking, I'd imagine it'd still be hard for her to finally give up and accept the fact that he may just be a lost cause (in her eyes).

P61: Anna certainly moves fast. I wonder if she was seeing Dale behind Mitch's back.

p87: OH MY GOD!

Ending: Wow. At first, I thought you were going to pull a High Tension and make Mitch the killer-who-doesn't-really-know-he's-the-killer, which has been done enough times already, but you pulled a Star Wars instead (just kidding). I kind of predicted that the killer was going to be Mitch's father after the flashbacks became more frequent, but I thought his reason for killing was kind of weird. He killed because he needed to "release"? Okay, I buy that, but surely he wasn't expecting his son who's over 30 years old now to welcome his abusive father back into his life after discovering he was a murderous lunatic. Perhaps the whole point went way over my head which, I tell you, would NOT be the first time, as I am horrible with figuring out plot-twists unless they're totally obvious and spelled out for me (I am a stupid American who enjoys mindless explosions, after all), but nonetheless, the ending stuck with me and made me think, for I hopelessly tried to figure out what it meant/what was going on/what was going to happen next. So well done.

And that's a wrap. Great job and best of luck to you!


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Yeaster  -  March 29th, 2010, 12:17pm
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anti
Posted: March 31st, 2010, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Yeaster for the long and in-depth review.  I will take your comments and suggestions into consideration.


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