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Addiction by Gregory J. Baldwin (Greg) - Comedy, Internet Period Piece - Buddysearch.com is the nation's social networking obsession - until a dorky teen stumbles over the webmaster's evil intentions. 41 pages - pdf, format
Yeah, I'll have to either do some serious reconstruction or think up a clever name. Cause really, in the end the story doesn't support the website. I didn't realize there were so many online friend websites, yeesh
I had a read of this yesterday and it was quick and easy read. I found it pretty funny at times, the pacing was good, as was the structure. The character's were likeable and i liked the way you build up a buzz around friendfinder. "You can view profiles and leave comments!" etc lol
This is a lighthearted comedy and an entertaining read. There's not much that sets it apart from other movies in the genre but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I can't really suggest areas for improvement (except changing the website name) since it's a pretty tight script that achieves what it set out to do.
Well, I enjoyed this, but the two male leads were hard to separate based upon the dialogue alone. They spoke alike, you know, and I sometimes got confused as to who was who. But I always knew when I was listening to the nerd.
And I enjoyed the spiral into addiction; it seemed allegorical, and it may be an angle to pursue should you choose to expand this (it's kinda' short) at some point.
The formatting was good, and this was refreshingly free of typographical errors
I liked it, but I think you could make it so much better, but it needs to be longer.
anyway, heres some notes I took while reading it:
I liked the gag about how illegaly downloading music is actually sharing.
Some of your dialogue could use some work, it doesnt seem to be thing that your chracters might say.
you use a lot of exclamation point and it gets kind of annoying.
I like how realistic the addiction is, how it's only a slight exaggeration of te truth.
of my own curiosity what does the erm "ECU" mean? Ive never heard this before, and it looks like something I could use.
Ben is a good character, and if I were you I would make him the main character. I would actually have everyone become obsessed but ben and brian ( who is the funniest character in this entire thing) team up to stop danny an don. Id have don get alot farther too, like a plan that gets stopped at the last second by brians boring rant. It would make it a lot longer, but I think it would be a really great read.
When danny drags ben out of burger king, you describe ben as "resilient" which means able to bounce back. I think you meant to describe him as resistant.
you mention that brooke goes more insane than derek, but you mentoin derek going insane after brooke, which is confusing.
you randomly capitolized the verb PACK any reason I missed?
anyway, I kind of liked this, but I think if you took it just a bit bigger, it would be so much better.