Matt Among The Pigeons by M Lancaster - Series, Horror, Comedy - Hell hath no fury like a pigeon scorned  Pound for pound, the pigeon is one of the smartest, most physically adept creatures in the animal kingdom. It was only a matter of time before they became a threat.    - rtf, format

Matt Among The Pigeons: Episode 2 by M Lancaster (Requiem) - Series, Horror, Comedy - Matt arrives home after one of the worst mornings of his life only to discover his nightmare is just beginning. - rtf, format

Thanks Don.

This is episode 1 of 3. I had planned to write this as a feature but decided to release it in parts to get some feedback as I go along. Episode 2 is already complete and I'll submit it in a week or so. Once all the episodes are up I'll probably rewrite it as a feature based on the feedback I get.

Hope you enjoy

I knew this one was coming from previous posts, and was curious enough to have a look at it right away.  It’s pretty good, too, for such a silly subject (and I don’t mean that in a bad way).  Your writing flows well, it’s easy to read, and it’s nice (and all too rare) when somebody has taken the time to fish out the typos.

Here are some thoughts (and spoilers) on your work in progress:


*  I just don’t know about that title.  Keep thinking.  If something brilliant comes to me I’ll post it, but you might ask some of the clever folks around here for input. They’ve got a comment for everything, you know?
*  While this is kind of an absurdist piece, that thing with Tammy shooting Matt…that’s assault, man, and the subsequent interactions between Matt and Gloria rang pretty false. You should pump up the confrontation between these two instead of having them play so nice together.  Conflict is always more interesting than people getting along, and you should use it whenever you can.
*  Matt’s boner is from the pills, right?  That point is not clear (and even less clear if it's not the pills), but more importantly, he should ingest these pills by accident.  Like, in his cereal or something.  Why on earth would he take random pills on purpose?
*  I really like the sign at the pub.  It seems real.  I’ll bet you saw that somewhere, didn’t you?
*  This piece is solid, and a fun read, with a slowly building sense of dread.  But here is the main problem I’ve got.  We are 30 pages into it, but still kind of clueless.  Our central conflict has not yet materialized, and I am feeling that we should know a little more by this point.  Part II should get around to establishing these things pretty quick.  I look forward to checking it out.

Thanks Bert, I appreciate your comments.

You're right about the Gloria convo, I actually already made changes to this since submitting but I think I'll make some more.

I agree about the title too, it could be better but it's just a working title for now.

I thought I'd hinted at the whole thing with the pills being Dave's viagra but I guess it needs a lttle more. Thanks for pointing that out, I'll work on it in my next draft.

I can see how it feels a bit directionless at the moment but the second part has a somewhat clearer direction and I've got a few changes to make to this episode which give the characters more depth,  purpose and motivation

Pretty soon I'll submit an updated episode 1 as well as episode 2.

Absurd and silly was my goal with this one, and if you think this is absurd, things get a whole lot whackier in part 2  

Thanks for reading

Professional script-readers are only required to read the first ten pages before they make a decision.  But if the wording's tight and the voice is interesting, they'll read the entire script before they make a decision.  I don't claim to be professional of any sort, so I only read the first page, and then I skimmed random parts of dialogue throughout the script, and I can tell that you have talent.  You format well.  Your wording is tight, and your voice is interesting.  Plus, the concept sounds fun.  If I were a producer, those merits alone would assure me that I wouldn't be taking a risk to greenlight this project.  In other words, you're a good writer, and I wish you luck!

Thanks Alan. That means a lot, especially coming from someone with almost legendary status on these boards.

I admit I haven't read Banana Chan yet but I hear nothing but good things. I did read the first chapter of your novel and found it refreshingly different. I'll try and read the rest when I get time. Not enough hours in the day...

thanks again

Okay fellas, episode 2 is up. I'd appreciate any feedback. A revised version of episode one is on the way but there was a problem with the upload. Hopefully it'll be up soon.

thanks

Req:

Pulled this up to take a look and something weird has happened to the file.

It's so skinny.  I am sure this is not how you intended it to look.

It's not completely unreadable, though, and I'll get around to this soon, fixed or not.  Just thought you should know.

Yeah, i noticed already. I've sent Don an email and I'll resubmit if necessary.

Strange that the first script I've written in Final Draft ended up with dodgy formatting

Ok ok, I read the first one, and I've got to say, made me laugh a lot, but I do see some things that bothered me.  Those things are that this whole thing is Shaun of the Dead with Pigeons...not to be rude, but even the best friend is a pot smoker named Ed, just like in Shaun of the Dead.  Shaun loses his girlfriend too, and travels around in his suit as well, the erection thing is original and funny, but it's sorta like the "You've got red on you thing."  It's also in the UK if I am not mistaken, just like Shaun of the Dead.  With a pub and all, it is really cool how much Matt Among the Pigeons is like Shaun, it is cool to look at both, I think this is Exellent!  Keep them coming I Love Shaun of the Dead and am a big fan of British comedy, and this seems good, well time to read the second.

Thanks for reading TC, I hadn't really thought about similarities to Shaun of the Dead until you mentioned it. I can see what you mean though.

The Ed character is actually based on a real friend of mine right down to the his physical description and the way he talks. I suppose I could rename him.

It's set in the UK because I am from the UK. I haven't lived anywhere else (except Germany) so couldn't really set it elsewhere.

Arghh, now you've mentioned Shaun of the Dead, I'm seeing more and more similarities. It's over a year since I saw that movie but I'm thinking maybe it subconsciously influenced me. Definitely something work around for the rewrite.

Thanks for taking the time to comment

NO NO!! Don't rewrite! It is good, it is like a parody of a parody.  It is really good!  Just sorta don't go towards that way as much in further Matt Among the pigeons, it is very good.  And when I write I look back at Shaun of the Dead and use stuff from it too, it is an excellent film, my Second favorite of all time!  I base all my best friend character in my scripts to my real best friend, who is just like Ed from Shuan, other than the drugs, and he is chunky and looks just like Nick Frost.  People say I act like Simon Pegg (Shaun for those who don't know)  other than the fact I'm not blond and I have a ton of hair, and can't grow facial hair.

Thanks but eventually I will rewrite it. This was only posted as first draft to gauge a bit of public opinion since it's my first attempt at anything resembling comedy.

Part 3 is well underway but that won't be the end of it. I plan to leave this for a few weeks and then tie it together as a feature, time permitting.

This is a wacky, little story, man. But somehow, it's working. Go figure. It helps that this episode is heavier on the blood and guts.

Some spoilers follow:



I have to retract my earlier problems with Tammy. She makes a perfect foil for these two, and has emerged as my favorite character. I didn't see this coming at all, which also makes it nice. She had better survive, man, or I'll be pissed.

You need to reign Ed in a bit, though. He is supposed to be a little over the top, sure, but you are taking him too...um..."high", you know? And he definitely needs to find something besides drain cleaner to drink in the basement. Absurd is fine, but that detail is too much. He would be so dead, even in this strange universe you are creating.

I had my doubts when you first pitched this, but I am really looking forward to seeing where you go with this.

Quoted from bert Absurd is fine, but that detail is too much. He would be so dead, even in this strange universe you are creating.

I think that Ed would pull it off high the entire thing, High people think clear something believe it or not, my cousin(s) are stoners (ALL OF THEM)  They think pretty clear sometimes and feel little pain.  But who am I to prove you wrong Bert?