First of all, welcome on board.
I'm sorry but I'm not the right person to say something about you story because my English is not good, but I have one comment and one advise for you:
Your script has a lot of words in each paragraph and it makes me tired to read it the being to the end, but I did. It seemed to be more a novel than a screenplay.
A word of warning: directions words like "we see"- "cut to" we hear ďand other things that no camera would film, is a great problem in your script.
Please donít blame, okay. Try to read other scripts posted here from guys like George Wilson, Mike Shelton, Breanne, Martin Lancaster, Bert and many other great screenwriters on here and how they format their scripts.