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I hadn't decided whether or not I wanted to read this, yet, so I looked over the first few pages of it. I like the title, which is what drew me in, but there are some execution problems that scream "amateur" in here, and make me want to back away.
First, every action paragraph is "we see" this and "we hear" that. We who? This should be told like a story with directing what "we" are supposed to see. Just say what happens.
Another annoying thing that popped up twice in what I read is "Is he Dark Star?" we wonder. I wondered "who the hell is Dark Star?" You indicate that we are supposed to wonder about a character when nothing much has been told about anyone.
Your format is fine, and you appear to have some knowledge of screenwriting in how you're writing it, but since your early pages are all action paragraphs, they need to make a good impression. I don't know if I'll read further or not to determine if the plot is paced well enough to carry me for 137 pages. I'll figure it out later.
I've now read all of DARK MATTER. Even by my quick reply I seem to have sparked controvesy!
Anyway, here goes. First let me state where I'm coming from. I've been writing for about ten years, TV Spec Scripts and script editing, I work in the film business as a technician and my first love is Screenwriting.
I've read hundreds of scripts and the first draft of Lethal Weapon 1 is what excited me enough to want to make it as a screenwriter, clarity, character excitment and humour...enough.
I've only just found this board and, as some have said the title I like.
DARK MATTER...It starts well, though also as some of you have said screams amateur...no problem, we're all amateurs unless our bank balances say different, and I'm allowing for the fact that K's first language is not english!
Buried in the twisted syntax, the tortured dialogue, the bad layout, the poor structure and the too large budget is a gleam of originality.
This script is fixable. If it is to be made as real feature then the budget is way too large, unless you are personal friends of the Wykowski brothers, in which case can I hang out with you!
If this film was done as a manga animation/cartoon whatever, then it makes more sense.
I read it all and it's murder to understand, and for my small brain barely makes sense, but first off I'm not 16, I don't live and breath GAMES, I'm not Japanese and I don't do drugs, all of which probably you need to be/do to get into it.
It seems to be a part of something, and is already too long, so maybe it's a work in progress?
I've emailed him but it came back so maybe he has dissapeared into the dark side...either way I think it's a good first effort and maybe deserves some encouragement.
I'm the writer of "Dark Matter" I wrote this long time ago and totally forgot about it (i.e. didn't work on it to refine it as you can tell) Few days back I got an email from sombody who said he read my script and actually liked it. So just to refresh my own mind I searched for it (yes I don't even have it in my working computer right now) and the search came out with this thread which I never knew existed and I dont even remember how my script ended up here (let alone why I didn't write a logline that everybody is screaming about).
Yet it is very helpful to get feedback. Just for the record, yes English is not my first language and this was my first script ever so if you said it was NOT amaturish that would be strange.
In my defence I have to say the "dark star" is just a code name in the com talk and has no significance in the story. It is meant to be enigmatic, confusing and mysterious. I am awaere of stretching the vfx budjet because I'm in the vfx industry myself so part of the reason I came with this is to stretch the limits of my own craft (though I'm not exactly ILM grade).
If any of you who said you havent read it yet actually did continue please let me know what other thoughts you guys have.