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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  The Swindler Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Swindler  (currently 2141 views)
Don
Posted: January 21st, 2006, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Swindler by James McClung - Short, Western - The fastest shot in all the West offers an ambitious cowboy the challenge of a lifetime. - Entry for the January '06 One Week Writing Exercise Thing - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 28th, 2006, 12:02pm
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George Willson
Posted: January 21st, 2006, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
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This was great! Nice little setup and cliched lead-in to the big challenge. Good characters perfectly fitting the genre and awesome twist at the end. The cliches and genre conventions made this one very easy to follow and a lot of fun to read.

I'm not sure what else to say on this one except that you mixed up your and you're at the bottom of page 2.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not saying enough on these, but I just enjoyed and don't have any beefs with it at all. That's kind of how I am with stuff that works for me. Good job!


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KenneyP
Posted: January 22nd, 2006, 1:02am Report to Moderator
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Hahaha, I liked this a lot, such a feelgood script. The characters were likeable, the chief almost stereotypical, but that was SPOILER of course just played
The writing was good and so was the speed. A good job indeed!
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Shelton
Posted: January 22nd, 2006, 1:29am Report to Moderator
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I really liked this.  I think the characters all worked well, and the dialogue and descriptions were on the money.

I wasn't too sure about the amount of the wagers though, I mean, I know that this is supposed to make them rich, but those bets probably equated to an entire weeks salary in those days if not more.

And lastly, I was rolling after reading where they were headed next.

Nice Work.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Heretic
Posted: January 25th, 2006, 3:06am Report to Moderator
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Great!

Very enjoyable.  I saw the ending coming but it's the kind of thing where you just have to sit back and enjoy the ride, even if you know where it's ending up.  The dialogue was excellent and natural, and it was a nice light story.  Don't know what else to say.  Good!


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Martin
Posted: January 25th, 2006, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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Good stuff. I really liked it. Dialogue and descriptions are good. You could probably be a little less wordy at times but overall it was a quick and enjoyable read.

I only spotted a couple of typos

page 3 "Stumble covers his chiseled features" - I think you mean stubble

page 10- you have 'road' instead of 'rode'

I like the story but I think you could have ended it sooner. The final scene with Sam and the chief went on a little longer than necessary. We can work out it's a scam just by seeing them together. The scene could probably work just as well without dialogue.

Other than that, very little to complain about. Good work!
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bert
Posted: January 25th, 2006, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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Catching up on another one after taking a little Western break.  Wish I'd have hit this one earlier.  I like it.  Format and dialogue are all up to snuff, but it looks like it's in bold though, which is kind of weird.

(SPOILERS)

*  It is a trifle wordy, particularly up front.  "Bodily secretions"?  Eww.  Let's just say "sweat-stained" and leave it at that.
*  Too many "(a beat)" for my tastes in this one.  Most of those could probably go.
*  I am surprised there are not more of these stories with Indians in them.  And this one even says, "How."  Do you think they really said that?
*  The last line is pretty darn funny.  There isn't an "n" though, I think.

There is a big hole in this one, I'm afraid.  If six-shooter Sam is so renowned, it seems to me that Sam the Swindler would be pretty well known, too.  Seems like they haven't heard of the latter, though.  But that really doesn't diminish the charm of this story too much.  It's just a nit-pick.  Nice work here.


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Andy Petrou
Posted: January 27th, 2006, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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This was excellent!

An original piece which held my interest throughout. I think this is one of my faves so far.

Dialogue was really good and you caputured the western era well too. Can't fault it to be honest.

I totally didn't see the scam coming, so ya fooled me too. Now I feel thick, but oh well!!

Really well done!

Andy x
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James McClung
Posted: January 28th, 2006, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the comments, guys. I guess it is pretty cliched but hey, I'm not fluent in westerns. The only real western influence in this was Sam who's supposed to be a spoof off the Sundance Kid. All the rest, I kinda just faked based on what I thought a western was or should be. I also found this an opportunity to do something funny and more on the light side. Glad you guys enjoyed it anyway.

Bert. Yeah, I did think about that being a plothole but didn't think it was that big a deal. When Sam says some people call him The Swindler, I figured people would think his friends or a few people he ripped off. And even if Sam The Swindler and Six-Shooter Sam are equally known, people still might think they're different people.

Also, I figured the 'n' in Brokenback was funnier. But it seemed to have the same effect.

Thanks again, everyone.

P.S. Yeah, the script's in bold. Normal font doesn't show up well on my PDF.



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James McClung  -  January 28th, 2006, 4:24pm
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spencerforhire
Posted: January 29th, 2006, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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A really good read. You have talent and a good sense of humor.

Spencer McDonald


I got nothing.  
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greg
Posted: February 5th, 2006, 3:17am Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Well this was a fine piece of writing you got here, James.  In fact, there's not much to criticize here except Sam has obviously done this more than once, so wouldn't word spread?  Just a thought I guess.

But the dialogue and characters were enjoyable, and the ending was perfectly executed.  I thought Garth had sabotaged the challenge somehow, but when the truth came out I was laughing.  

This had an overall good feeling and a funny after-thought.  Well done!


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Helio
Posted: February 5th, 2006, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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I use this words as if they were mine: "Sometimes I feel like I'm not saying enough on these, but I just enjoyed and don't have any beefs with it at all. That's kind of how I am with stuff that works for me. Good job!"

Sorry George to use your words!
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The boy who could fly
Posted: October 29th, 2006, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey James,

This one was very cool,

I liked the dialogue, it had a neat western ring to it.

When Cletus said "I'm gonna get tanked tonight" I instantly pictured James Parks as Earl Mgraw from "Kill Bill and From dusk till dawn"

anyways, the descriptions were good, the story flowed well and it was a quick and easy read.  A lot of fun.

Good job


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James McClung
Posted: November 13th, 2006, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Jordan. I'm glad you liked it.


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