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Triplut by Kenney Ponsaert - Short, Western - One quiet little General Store in the Old West seems to be the chosen place for a confrontation between three men each wanting a different thing. - Entry for the January '06 One Week Writing Exercise Thing - html, format
I don't know, this just didn't do it for me. The main problem with this piece is that, well, the descriptions aren't written very well.
"With a swift move and smoking gun Stranger ducks as big guy shoots four bullets at stranger. Big guy runs for the storage room, stranger shoots two bullets back but misses."
This is just far too confusing and much of the script is written this way. First, I think these guys deserve names. In a way, they're all strangers, but since this is the old west and they're all there for one reason or another, they deserve names. Reading things like "stranger fires at big guy, big guy fires, ducks, dirty guy comes back at stranger fires."
I mean, that's what I was reading for the most part. Also, what's with the CONT'Ds? Get rid of those, man. Aside from that, your structure is pretty good except for that eight line description. I don't know, this was a western but it didn't seem like one. It was just confusing. But this was a piece written in a week, possibly less, so it's not like a life or death thing. Just pace yourself!
I am pretty sure I know who the author of this one is -- a quick read with no shortage of firearms.
* Early on, some of the descriptions could have been more concise. I noticed this less as the story evolved and the action began. * "A buzzing sound erects as if on cue". This confused me for a while. Later, it occured to me what you meant. "Erects" is what confused me. That's the wrong word. * "Suddenly in slow motion" is an oxymoron, isn't it? * I don't know if the shop owner should aim for the big guy right off the bat. I thought the big guy was coming to the rescue, and I think the store owner would, too. * The twist is cool, but you should have set it up earlier in the story -- emphasizing exactly when this occurred (I think I missed it) -- but not paying it off until the very end, like you do now.
The story here is interesting, and the characters engaging (although moreso, perhaps, with actual names) but it is really the enthusiasm of the author that carries you along to it's conclusion. You can tell the author had fun writing this.
It was nicely written but it didn't do justice for me. It was too blah and not interesting. I think it needs to be spiced up some more but i don't know how. And the dialouge could be fixed a little. Some parts seemed rushed and other did not seem rushed. 3/5
Store owner gets bugged by a fly? The whole fly bit was kind of pointless in the big scheme. It didn't really even build much in the way of character, which is something that lacked throughout this whole scenario.
The stranger is over-described. Just describe what you want him to be. "30's would be perfect" isn't a description. "He is in his 30's" is better. Not "a stranger because people are watching him closely," rather "People watch him closely." Make it more concise...and I just picked up that Stranger and Dirty Guy are two different people. Names, perhaps?
The Dirty Guy plays almost no part in this whole thing. He doesn't do anything. He could have been completely cut out and we'd've lost nothing.
I kind of got lost in the action, but understood the end result.
Your end twist was decent, though. The basic plot, was a little thin, but it worked ok.
The basic idea was in my head after 15 minutes, wrote it in 30min rewrote it after a couple of days. I wanted to catch the Wild West real good, I guess I failed. The basic elements of a Wild West story are present: good vs evil, greed, main character = hero and alone, guns, robberies.
You are right, I'm a foreigner and I haven't mastered the English language yet. About the names, in my first draft I had named the hero, Big guy, Gordon. But since I didn't have names for the other characters I decided that everyone should have no name. Now, if I do give them names, does it only help the reader? Because nobody in the short calls them by their name. The cont'd, I guess they don't belong there and I should keep it empty.
I am pretty sure you didn't know it was me! I know descriptions should be concise, but because of my limited language skills it'll be even harder to visualize what I'm trying to write. I knew I shouldn't have used erect! Well you could say it's an oxymoron but, as the good devil that I am, I say it isn't, look at the context. If filmed, then all of a sudden it will go in slow-mo. Big guy was mean looking and had two guns and Stranger aimed for Big guy too whilst Storekeeper has a shotgun at his disposal, he's a smart and calculating man so he aimed for Big guy. The main hints were Big guy looking for guns, he stood at the guns way too long and the background of the cavalry thing. I couldn't fit in more at the time I was writing it.
As said before I used basic elements, and it was a short if I have to spice it up I'd write a full feature with more characters, more action and a bigger plot of course.
No hard feelings. I'll name 'em next time.
I wanted to have some humor in it before all the violence. Triplut(Triplet): good, better, best Storekeep(kills a fly!), Stranger(kills Storekeep), Big guy(kills Stranger) The Dirty Guy wasn't present in the first draft but I just needed some shotgun fodder, I'm sorry.
Yesh, I understand.
Everyone: thanks for reading and commenting!
By the way: did anyone noticed that the sixshooter has seven bullets? An error made whilst rewriting the first draft. "...in slowmotion the store owner gets shot in the head..." 1 "...stranger shoots two bullets back but misses..." 3 "...in a reflex Stranger shoots a bullet at it..." 4 "...he shoots two back..." 6 "...he shoots one..." 7
This was okay but I think it could've been better. The twist was good but a better buildup would have made for a more satisfying conclusion. The dialogue was a little shaky. It was decent some of the time but other times, it was somewhat confusing (e.g. "good deals mean good money, good money means good deal for me"). Then again, you said you're a foreigner and haven't mastered the English language just yet so I can't really fault you too much. At one point, you got the store owner and the stranger's dialogue revered. I do agree with everyone about the names though.
All in all, it was a good effort and, again, I liked the twist but I think a few adjustments could make it better.