The Fish Bowl by Helio J Cordeiro and Spencer McDonald - Short - Louis Armsweak is an Aquarium Servicing Specialist who makes a housecall only to be face to face with trouble. 11 pages - pdf, format

Helio and Spencer, well done with the script..

The story is much better than the shorter and has a good resolution although I did like the earlier script too..

Love the ASS reference, this works very well and is a nice thread through the script.. Good characters, and good dialogue.. Loved the magic chanting..

Well done..

Kevan

Nice to hear from you Kevan!

If you don't do a good work alony then join to someone!

Kevan

Thank you so much for the kind remarks. Writing with Helio was a great experience and I really think it made both of our writing stronger. I look forward to writing more partnered works. Keep up the great comments... and if something needs improvement please let us know.

Spencer

Hi Helio and Spencer, just finished reading this script. It works well for a fantasy/comedy short and, storywise, there´s nothing important I could bust you on. The script if focused, so I guess you get along well writing together.

The only thing I would suggest is to trim this down a little bit; it will read faster and improve the pace of your story. Cut everything that isn´t essential (i.e. the exact height of Butch´s mom, Louis saying to himself "This day is starting to suck" when we already know his day is sucking big time, etc).

Format was good, but there are a couple of tiny details I can point.

*Don´t include descriptions in scene hedings: QUIET STREET should be just STREET. You can include in the action below that it´s quiet.

*Avoid the infamous use of "we see" "you see", etc; I takes the reader out of the story. Instead of writing "You see a sign", just describe the sign.

*To avoid confusion, keep your scene headings always the same. I noticed: "INT. TOYOTA TRUCK", "EXT. TOYOTA FISH BOWL and "EXT. TOYOTA". If I understood correctly we´re talking about the same vehicle here, so just call it in one way and stick to the denomination first given.

*Only write in present tense. "Louis is wearing" should be "Louis wears".

Nothing more to add, guys. Congratulations for writing this piece and for finding a good writing partner.

Z zhanks so much, man!

Yeah you are right about these things we have to rid them off quickly before they scare the pros!

About my new partner it couldn't better happened. Spencer is a clever and and also sarcastic writer...and of course a patient guy!

Again zhanks a lot for one more serious and competent review!