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Still and Smiling by Helio J Cordeiro - Short - Unconscious desire becomes a dangerous reality when Ross Spencer uses it against his parents. 23 pages - pdf, format
I'm sorry but I've seen some old scripts been reading then I decide to get my my Still and Smilling out of the ostracism and given him his first reading rewiew! Myone. In fact it had a rewiew from a guy that wrote me an email he was Kotton Everett. Thanks Kotton!
Another entertaining short you have here. I didn't see the ending coming at all (the part at the birthday party). As usual, you have a bunch of whacky characters and the dialogue is a bit funky at times, but always fun to read. I think you have a really good concept here. It's very Twilight Zone, like a lot of your work.
A couple of notes:
You should introduce the "woman's voice" (his mom) as Emily right away. I was confused for a moment. It seems strange that Judy calls back right away to say the police want to talk to Ross. Maybe you can cut to later on in the evening. There wouldn't be a homicide detective unless there had been a murder. Just call him a detective. "puffy fighter" is probably the funniest character description I've ever read.
I like this story a lot. The dialogue could use some work, but it wouldn't be Helio without its little nuances. Good job.
Hi Martin! Thanks for you review. I'll take a note of your observations and I'll do all the best to make it nice to read and understandble. Thanks a lot. I've read Aniversary!
Sure I'll check your Light Dance. I need time enough to do it, because now I'm very buzy with a pre-production of a short film that I'll direct and it has been a hell to me. It is my first attempt in film direction since long. long time ago!
Have you watched a movie named Dandelion directed by Mark Milgard? Take a look at it and tell me whether it has something with Still and Smiling..
I'm buzy with a pre-production of a short film that I'll direct and it has been a hell to me. It is my first attempt in film direction since long. long time ago! Helio
Way to go Helio! Good luck with it and hope we get to see it, even if it's in a language other than English.
I will read this short of yours as well, somehow I must have missed it when it got posted. You are my favorite quirky writer here
You are my favorite quirky writer here You are my favorite quirky writer here You are my favorite quirky writer here You are my favorite quirky writer here You are my favorite quirky writer here You are my favorite quirky writer here You are my favorite quirky writer here!
Tomson this is the most enjoyable mantra that I have listen to!
Thanks for kind words, I'll try to do my best in this short film experience it is a homage to Charles Chaplin called Fishing with Charlie. I'm trying also to participate to Axn Film Festival ( a Sony International Cab Channel) that starts in August this year.
SPOILERS Hey, I just finished reading this. Very dark. Ross's decesion to photograph the rest of his family was what really made this story work well. In addition I enjoyed the idea of a camera killing the person who's picture it takes. Well not killing but causing the person to 'vanish'. You played it well off of that old belief a picture will steal a part of your soul.
I remember reading a Goosebumps books with a similar premise when I was six or so. A young boy finds an old instant polaroid camera in an adadoned house and takes pictures of friends and family realizing the objects in the photographs he takes meet rather grim fates.
I'm not trying to speculate anything here. Don't worry. From what I can remember from the book your's is much different and much darker.
Even though I'm a softy for dark humor that doesn't mean I have my list of things to touch up on. From what I read in other posts I'm assuming your from a different country correct?
I found some odd dialogue choices and wording (in both text and dialogue) throughout the script.
Ross's response to the detective "we were playing" seems as though a rather weak response for a teenager to give a police officer. Especially when he was Trespassing (i know it turns out later his mother owned the property) Also you refer to the detective as a "homicide detective" when Jeffery has not been reported dead. That's just me being picky.
As timid as Emily was around John, I didn't understand why she would bring juice out to him with a smile and then when he hugs her in gratitude she shys away bringing up Ross. If she was sad enough to turn from him, why would she go out of her way to bring him juice?
Christine dancing and some of the cookout conversations could be shortened. I felt you almost went overboardin showing the adults immaturity and jerk like qualities (I'm assuming you intended for them to be shallow, correct?) When you ended it so quickly you spend quite leanghty introductions into characters while the major questions posed What happened to Jeffery? What's the deal with ross's past? and What next with the camera? were shoved to the side.
I found the family almost unrealistically unsympathetic about Marvin Jr.'s missing dog. Maybe it was to just make the process of them getting 'photograph' funnier, but the dialogue they used to reassure Marvin Jr. was so cold. In addition I found Ross even a little cold towards Marvin Jr.
Ultimately Ross wasn't the nicest guy. But since non of these characters (witht he exception of poor Marvin Jr. haha) had many redeemable qualities I found myself too detached and not really caring about what would happen next to them.
My complaints aside I enjoyed your sharp TWO twists at the end.
I've been meaning to read some of your stuff for awhile, so I read this. I thought the concept of people disappearing when they had their photo taken was a good one. I also liked the fact that a photo of them looking scared was left behind; the photo of the snarling dog was a nice touch too. Story wise I don't have too many suggestions to make, other than a sequel could be about what happens to the people who disappear, although that would probably kill off the suspense.
I liked the way you formatted the script e.g. EXT. EMPTY LOT -DAY, unlike some of our fellow SS members I think you should have DAY or NIGHT tacked on to the end of scene descriptions.
There where a few typos in your script. In pages 2, 7 and 9, you spelt Jeff with one f instead of two.
OTHER MISTAKES
Page 3- JEFFREY- Hey, Ross! Don't go inside, man. It can be dangerous.
It should say: could be dangerous.
Page 8- EMILY - Hello.. Oh, okay Judy we going right now.
It should say: we're going right now.
Page 8-KARL- It's going to be all right... Don't cry darling. Our Jeffrey will appear soon. He is a very smart boy.. Come on Judy... Don't worry honey. The detective Brown from the homicide office will take care of it won't you, Mr. Brown.
Karl should just say: Detective Brown, not the detective Brown
Page 9- There is a description that says The Detective Brown goes to Ross. Once again it should just say: Detective Brown, not the detective Brown.
Page 9 - ROSS - I don't know...When I saw he just wasn't there anymore. It should say: I don't know.. When I looked up he wasn't there anymore.
Page 14 - JOHN - What I said?...Women!
It should just say: Huh..Women!
Page 14 - The Marvin Jr.'s pet dog barks at John. It should say: Marvin Jr's dog barks at John.
Page 15 - JOHN - Hey what is that? It would sound more natural if he said: Hey, What's that?
I noticed you did that a bit. The dialogue would sound more natural if you wrote, we're instead of we are or they're instead of they are and it's instead of it is.
Page 15 - Hey, buddy, this for you, take it... Wait, wait...Hmmm...Smells good...What is it?
Should say: Hey buddy this is for you etc.
Page 16 - All people look at Monster and laugh. Should say: Everybody looks at Monster and laughs.
Page 17 - MARVIN JR - Huh, it is an instant camera! Will it work? Should say: Wow, an instant camera.
Page 18 - LUCY - Hey, hey. Come on, Junior... Look, if that stupid dog shows up we will tell you, okay? Now, we are tired and is late. Should say: and it's late.
I agree with tony tuff nutz comment about the parents being unrealistically cold about the dog's disappearance, when they said: when you come back for Ross's birthday Monster will be here.
That rang very false to me too.
But apart form these mistakes I thought the story itself was good. I think if you polished it up a bit it could be even better.
i haven't seen dandelion yet.i checked out the trailer and read some summaries and comments about the film.
from what i have gathered, it doesn't seem to have any relation to your story.
i thought it was funny that the title mentioned is DANDELION, at first i thought you were refering to that chapter excerpt that i sent you, titled DANDELION AND FISH FACES.
i have an imbedded fear of titles which is a little quirk of mine.i usually go through, it must be a hundred title changes to a single script before settling.then even when something gets picked up, i start second guessing even that choice.
i'm a little, okay, alot cumpulsive in that regard.
sorry i'm just rambling on, been up for two days now and i'm just freaking out, there i go again
well talk to you later
---kotton
This account is no longer used. I am still on the boards as screamer.
Hey fellas, I've receiving a mensage from Will Walters Production, ask me about Sitil and Smiling and I don't know about them. Have you any information about this company? Have you Wilson? And you Phil? You Sheldon? Please, whether have any guy here that know about them send a mensage for me.
yeah, they've been looking at a lot of scripts lately from here. Several of mine too. They asked me to do rewrites and such. Don't know if anything will happen. They seem legit.
I only heard about them yesterday and couldn't find anything with a search. There were no names or references. I got the impression that they are very new at this.
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