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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Rain Moderators: bert
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  Author    Rain  (currently 1436 views)
Posted: April 8th, 2006, 8:16am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Rain by Ted von Heiland Jr (tedinamo) - Thriller, Supernatural - A guilt ridden dectective investigates a series of brutal murders caused by a mysterious and powerful young man.  155 pages - html, format

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  February 18th, 2007, 1:45pm
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Posted: March 3rd, 2007, 4:55am Report to Moderator
Been around a while

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My first thought, looking at the page count, was: too long. Opening it, though, I was impressed. The writing is engaging. Still, I have to ask -- how does one exhale in sloppy exhaustion? What does that mean? I'm not sure.

I see, the man "coughs up a mouthful of blood." Knowing this, you might want to rewrite the above line. Rather than describing his cough as sloppy (a vague discriptive), you might describe it as wet, broken by gasps. Whatever the case, the line threw me. It's weak.

You go on to write: "A large and cavernous space..." A space that's cavernous is, by definition, large. That said, the line is redundant.  

The writing is, I think, a cut above. still, it's not, if you examine it, good. It is, though, interesting.

Doubt I could do better. It's much easier to critique than to write. That said, I'll continue to read and comment -- if you're around. By that I mean, if you show an interest in the opinions of others.



Stranger Than Yesterday

And Sweetie XD

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