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The primary purpose of the SimplyScripts Discussion Board is the discussion of unproduced screenplays. If you are a producer or director lookng for your next project, the works here are available for option, purchase or production only if you receive permission from the author.
NOTE: these screenplays are NOT in the public domain and MAY NOT be used or reproduced for any purpose (including eductional purposes) without the expressedwrittenpermission of the author.
Rain by Ted von Heiland Jr (tedinamo) - Thriller, Supernatural - A guilt ridden dectective investigates a series of brutal murders caused by a mysterious and powerful young man. 155 pages - html, format
My first thought, looking at the page count, was: too long. Opening it, though, I was impressed. The writing is engaging. Still, I have to ask -- how does one exhale in sloppy exhaustion? What does that mean? I'm not sure.
I see, the man "coughs up a mouthful of blood." Knowing this, you might want to rewrite the above line. Rather than describing his cough as sloppy (a vague discriptive), you might describe it as wet, broken by gasps. Whatever the case, the line threw me. It's weak.
You go on to write: "A large and cavernous space..." A space that's cavernous is, by definition, large. That said, the line is redundant.
The writing is, I think, a cut above. still, it's not, if you examine it, good. It is, though, interesting.
Doubt I could do better. It's much easier to critique than to write. That said, I'll continue to read and comment -- if you're around. By that I mean, if you show an interest in the opinions of others.