SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 24th, 2019, 11:38am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Rain Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Rain  (currently 1436 views)
Don
Posted: April 8th, 2006, 8:16am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13193
Posts Per Day
1.94
Rain by Ted von Heiland Jr (tedinamo) - Thriller, Supernatural - A guilt ridden dectective investigates a series of brutal murders caused by a mysterious and powerful young man.  155 pages - html, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  February 18th, 2007, 1:45pm
Logged
Site Private Message
Seth
Posted: March 3rd, 2007, 4:55am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Twin Ciites
Posts
314
Posts Per Day
0.07
My first thought, looking at the page count, was: too long. Opening it, though, I was impressed. The writing is engaging. Still, I have to ask -- how does one exhale in sloppy exhaustion? What does that mean? I'm not sure.

I see, the man "coughs up a mouthful of blood." Knowing this, you might want to rewrite the above line. Rather than describing his cough as sloppy (a vague discriptive), you might describe it as wet, broken by gasps. Whatever the case, the line threw me. It's weak.

You go on to write: "A large and cavernous space..." A space that's cavernous is, by definition, large. That said, the line is redundant.  

The writing is, I think, a cut above. still, it's not, if you examine it, good. It is, though, interesting.

Doubt I could do better. It's much easier to critique than to write. That said, I'll continue to read and comment -- if you're around. By that I mean, if you show an interest in the opinions of others.

Seth


Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006