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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Carol Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 7th, 2006, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Carol by Bryan James (bryan00009) - Short, Drama - Bears aren't the only fearsome creatures in the woods. 11 pages - rtf, format


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dogglebe
Posted: May 7th, 2006, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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I did like this story, Bryan.  It's interesting how you got into Ted's brain (I'm trying not to include spoilers here).  I did have a couple of problems with it.

For starters, you wrote this as a shooting , which isn't really that big of a problem.  In fact, it's very easy to turn it into a spec script which is pretty much what we post here.  To do this, eliminate most of the headers.  You just have to do it when a scene changes.  There's no need to include them when you cut back and forth between Ted's apartment and what goes on outside.

The big problem I had with this script is that Ted just went on and on and on with his narrative.  He was, essentially babbling.  You can easily cut what he says in half.  Don't be so artsy.  People normally don't talk like that.


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del
Posted: May 24th, 2006, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bryan.

Don't get mad. I just did something...

... I went thru your script in WORD and deleted all the dialog. Every single bit of it.

Then I went back thru the script, and imagined all the scenes. The story still came thru, which was pretty errie to me! The ending was especially graphic/effective.

Maybe make it a slient film. Really...



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DanMilitello
Posted: May 24th, 2006, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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Del...wow...I just read it the way you did as a silent film...that was a really good twist to it
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darthbrion
Posted: May 29th, 2006, 1:23am Report to Moderator
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I'm seriously troubled.....

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cool script, kinda wordy which has already been brought up.  

overall a fun read with a great ending.

brion
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