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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  N I I L O Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 16th, 2006, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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N I I L O (Episode 1.01: "Demolish" (the PILOT) by Gary Benjamin Holt Jr.  (yeaster) - Series -  The "Demolition" is known as the day when the world ended. In the year 3995, a group called the "Renewers" fight to find an ancient spell called "Niilo", a spell with the power to change worlds. When there's good, there's evil. While they fight to restore the Earth, someone else fights to destroy it.  65 pages - doc, format


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Yeaster
Posted: May 16th, 2006, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for uploading this script, Don.

I decided to enter this script in the contest instead of UNFORTUNATE. Reasons being, is that I'm better at writing Sci-Fi/Fantasy/Drama as opposed to just strictly drama.

The due date is June 1st, so comments are greatly appreciated. I want to know if this script is good enough to submit into the "People's Pilot Contest" before I enter it and then...well, lose. lol. I don't expect to win, my main goal is exposure.

But I have faith in this script, and hopefully, others will too. So, detailed, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is wanted/needed. Also, I want to make sure my format is perfect before submitting in the script (or at least, readable).

Quick comments are appreciated. Thank you.


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bert
Posted: May 16th, 2006, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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Do you have more than one episode written?

If so, you should really consider taking some action from the second episode and moving it up into this pilot episode.

Then -- get to the comet much, much, much quicker.  Trim about 20 pages from the front.  Really.  The comet should arrive within five pages or so.

A pilot needs to grab -- right away -- but nothing happens here for the first 30 pages.  People will have patience for these long stretches once the series matures -- and they are comfortable with the characters -- but a pilot needs some "BAM" right up front that this does not have.  At least, not yet.

Otherwise, I wouldn't enter this if the contest costs a lot of money.  That's just my opinion, but I am just being honest, too.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Yeaster
Posted: May 16th, 2006, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the comment.

The contest is only $41, and I'm pretty undecided whether to submit this one or UNFORTUNATE. I'm leaning more towards this one because fantasy is more up my alley, and while UNFORTUNATE (so far) has gotten more positive feedback, ironically, since I think NIILO is btter, I'm already bored with it. I'm not good with strictly drama.

I'm in the process of writing the second episode now. The reason why the first two acts may have seemed a little slow was because I wanted to get the viewers (or readers) to get to know the characters' overall personality before the "big hit". I wanted to get the basic plot expressed before I went into the action (which is happening now) in the first episode so the viewers/readers wouldn't feel too overwhelmed. I guess that didn't work out the way I had hoped.

However, I'm entering anyway. I mean, you win some, you lose some. I'm only eighteen years old, starting college this fall, I have plenty of time to grow and improve.   


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Yeaster
Posted: May 19th, 2006, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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Does anyone else have anything to say? The format, the characters, the plot, etc? How are they? Sorry for double posting, but the deadline is approaching, and I want to take everything I possibly can from this so I submit a quality script to the contest (for exposure. you know).

I want any comments, just be honest. Please don't bash me or my writing, or by telling me "I shouldn't enter", because I really believe I have a talent for this and a shot at being successful. Please tell me my strong points, as well as my bad. I'd really appreciate it, thank you.


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James Fields
Posted: May 19th, 2006, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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You should make a review exchange thread for your script. I'll read it in the meantime.


Coming Soon:

I finally found the title for my short.

Acronym- You've been warned...

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eljefedetonto
Posted: May 28th, 2006, 10:15pm Report to Moderator
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-minor spoilers-

-When you introduce Arturo, your description of him is a bit redundant.

"He is of Spanish dissent with very long, wavy brown hair. He is a Spanish male and has dark, brown eyes."

could be shortened to:

"He is of Spanish descent, with long, wavy brown hair and dark brown eyes."

-The first scene doesn't really pull me in... also, I think we meet too many characters at once in said scene. You could move it around so that some of them are introduced in later scenes.

-Nice touch on the fish sticks... reminds me of living at my dad's.

-Things finally get interesting when the comet strikes, albeit a little suddenly. So does that mean most of the characters you introduced are dead, or should I be looking for more on them in future episodes?

-Because this is a Sci-Fi, you should have that comet hit way earlier. For the first half of it, it seems like I'm reading a drama or something of the like.

overall, not bad. hope this helps. for what it's worth, I wrote my notes as I read.


Beginnings - It's high school all over again. Seriously. (now fixed and cleaned!)
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