SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 26th, 2019, 10:23am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration


The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)


Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Served Cold Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Served Cold  (currently 1062 views)
Don
Posted: September 25th, 2006, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12815
Posts Per Day
1.93
Served Cold by David Bradley - Drama - When the average man loses his family there is only one path for him to take. Clashing with Detective David Riley, whose family was murdered as well, Derek Wilson will stop at nothing to uncover the truth behind the death of his wife and two daughters. Sloshing through the grey areas of right and wrong, one man seeks the truth, while the other struggles with his own demons of whether or not Derek is right. 91 pages - rtf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
iamyourfather
Posted: October 9th, 2006, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
Red


May the force be with you...

Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
8
Posts Per Day
0.00
I like the concept of the script. Tying all the loose ends together believably is difficult. It seemed like you were figuring it out as you went along, and when you needed to insert a bad guy you would do so. I liked the whole plot, and how you built the story around a secret deal with the chinses government for weapons.

I had a big problem with Derek throughout the script. His personality changes from one extreme to another. First, he starts off confused and scared, then he becomes rambo, killing off gang members and assasins. This would be a huge extreme to show on camera. If you were going to show him taking revenge, do it on a smaller scale. One guy. One gun. By keeping the reality level down to earth it makes the story more believable.

The other characters who switched back and forth were Det. Riley and Elizabeth. Either one liked Derek or the other hated him. One minute Riley is begging for a chance to prove Derek's innocent and then he's saying how he wants the bastard locked away and how he wants to kill him. You have to stick with one central path for your characters.

Again, this is a very difficult script to write. Professionals have a tough time, creating a unique plot, as well as interesting characters and still giving the audience a surprise at the end. You got two out of three. Not bad. Figure out exactly what it is you want the story to be and build characters around that. Also, one last thing, you can cut down your descriptions a lot. We don't need to know how sticky the floors are. Good job man.

Luke Bradshaw

Revision History (1 edits)
iamyourfather  -  October 9th, 2006, 7:50pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006