Trash Day by Spencer McDonald - Short - In a bizarre twist of fate, one angry old man seeks his own revenge on a trash company and winds up getting action but not in a way he had dreamed. - pdf, format

Read your short so that means....

* SPOILERS! *

* I caught a couple typos here and there and I also noticed a weird character popping up all over the place.  It was like an "O" with dots on top.  Maybe it was something to do with your formatting?

* During the brawl at the beginning maybe have Pedro taunt Tom completely in Spanish at first.  Nothing aggravates people more than when their is a lack of communication.

* Sure there are stereotype characters all over the place but I felt this was more a spoof than anything.  

* I think I would have liked the story more if it had stayed as a battle between Tom and his garbage man.  The whole mob thing didn't really do it for me.

* All in all a decent and sometimes even funny short  

This story does a good job of showing the angriest a person can get over such a small thing. The dialogue was good, you seemed like you went into a bit of effort including the proper slang and common errors that some people with english as a second language have.

I liked the part between Tom and Pedro,
and in my opinion it should have stayed between them.

As Darthdrion the mob part didn't do it for me.

Cut the mob, and stay with the fight between Tom and Pedro.

Thanks guys for the read and critique. I have to agree with you that the mob thing was over the top. I also thought it should have just been between Pedro and Tom. I guess I used the mob as a device to get to the end and twist in into a bit of a twilight zone ending. Maybe more thought would have worked for me on this one. This was my attempt back at writing after a two month layoff. You know rejection, pain, and the such. And as for the wierd character O. I just don't know why that is there, but good catch. Originally, this was formatted in Movie Magic but it wasn,t working for me so I turned it into a PDF from my movie maker format. Maybe that was the glitch.

Spencer "For Hire" McDonald

Hi, Mc, I'm sure you will think about my message and I think you have a good premise and just keep it simple, my friend. Like Pedro said you have to stay with the Tom and Pedro row.

The rest is okay and you have a refined way to be humorours, dude! keep looking for your best, MC, you will succeed in this f*****g business!

I thought this script missed the mark, Spencer.  It started out well and escalated nicely, but it peaked too soon.  It could've kept going, almost to a schwarzenegger-esque type story with some camp added for flavor.


Phil

Thanks Phil

I totally agree! Pedro and Tom were great then the air in the tire of the story went flat. Not my best work.

Question:  When you say some camp added for flavor could you elaborate on that for me. I don't get it.

Spencer