A Peasant's Concert by Jimmy Dangles - Short, Comedy - When a poor beggar named Victor Danley asks the wealthy Paul Hawthorne for a donation to help his dying wife, he is laughed off and excused.  Later that day however, Paul and his new bride Matilda find themselves in a helpless situation of their own, and it is the same Victor Danley who helps them. 20 pages - pdf, format

Jimmy,

Wow, period speech and horse-drawn carriages interspersed with service stations and take-out restaurants.  Not sure how I feel about that dichotomy.

This script was amusing, but there were instances where the characters would drop character.  For instance I think someone asks "Who are they" with respect to the Howling Montagues.  You probably want to keep it in character with a line like: "And whom might they be?"

The major problem I had with this script is that the chunks of dialogue are WAAAAAAY too long.  It seems as though every line is either a miniature or full-blown monologue.  While cleverly written, word after word of dialogue means a lot of standing around and very little action.  Try to follow a rule of three 'beats' or short sentences with most dialogue.  If you absolutely need more, use it sparingly, for instance at the climax of a film.

The ending seems rushed, but amusing.  If you want maximum shock value for the ending, you'll have to not have a gas station or take-out place.  Change those to period businesses like a blacksmith's shop or something.  Also, avoiding the name of the performers until the very end might be another way to make the humor of the ending hit harder, the audience will assume they are going to see chamber music or something along those lines.

I can tell you can write.  Check out some of the recommended scripts on this site and take note of their use of screen dialogue.

-Bob

Thanks for the input and thanks for reading!

I know the story was quite wordy, but it was like 3 in the morning and I had just finished reading Mary Shelley's Frankenstein again, which somehow reminded me of an ex-girlfriend and the experience this was based off of.

I'm working on a couple of other things now that are feature length and not so hastily thrown together, so when I finish one I'll post it here.  I just posted this because I'd never posted anything online before, and I kind of wanted to know what people thought of my humor and my formatting since I have no experience at all as a screenwriter.