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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Six Hours Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 17th, 2006, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Six Hours by Lawrence Gilliam (bigspeed) - Action, Drama - Two brothers find ten million in blue diamonds while working on the docks of Philadelphia. The diamonds where originally stolen from Africa by the Russian mob. They are given six hours to get them back. The two brothers stay on edge as it seems everybody in their little world has eyes for the blue stones. 86 pages - doc, format


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coffee
Posted: December 18th, 2006, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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Downloaded, printed and started reading it but I have to say that although I'm really interested in the script/concept I had to put it down and stop reading. As a director it made me try to figure things out from the get go which is bad. Examples of what I mean is there's no place setting, (EXT DAY ?WHERE AM I?) no locations, and also if the beginning where the interpol get involved, there stuff like the interpol know is so and so but how did thet know this? Did they use sign language or draw pictures to communicate with each other until they figure out who it was? Not trying to sound sarcastic there.

I'd like to read it but there's too much trying to visualize/fighure things out for me to continue.
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lawrence gilliam
Posted: December 23rd, 2006, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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I had sent the wrong script the revised one is on there now.
Thanks for your comment and Interpol had a list to choose from.


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JD_OK
Posted: December 24th, 2006, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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Quoted from lawrence gilliam
I had sent the wrong script the revised one is on there now.
Thanks for your comment and Interpol had a list to choose from.


I opened your script and You still have camera directions/ calling shoots, sequences, credits.  Remove all these references and Just tell/show the story using on INT. EXT. then fade out


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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lawrence gilliam
Posted: December 26th, 2006, 3:34am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your comment JD-OKbut that is only on the opening shots its to be viewed in one frame to give you the opening feel.
But thanks getting ready to read unholy cry


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lawrence gilliam
Posted: November 7th, 2007, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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Has anyone have an action filled cop story looking to read???


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TestamenT
Posted: November 12th, 2007, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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all answers to this life denied

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The story seems a bit too cliche`, it seems like i reading something i've already seen before countless times. i also find your descriptions to be lacking, "their assault is brutal" how is it brutal? are the robbers clubbing people over the head? shooting them? raping hem? what about it is brutal and ho are they remaining stealthy? and the description "they are professionls and it shows" how does it show? you can't leave it up to the reader to fill in the blanks, you have to do that. the idea is to set a mood and paint a picture using words, that can be translated to visuals and this didn't do it for me. i could sorta see what was going on, but i was having to imagine to much of it on my own. i generally like to finish before i critisize, but the sstory couldn't hold my attention. forget format, and foget all that proper sttuff, if the story is lacking, none of that matters. if you really want to pursue this idea. then i suggest you work on your descriptions and make more convincing dialogue. i do not intend to offenfd you, but by posting this you are asking for opinions and critisism. this is just my personal opinon, so take and do withit what you will.


coming soon:INGEAR
out now:The Victorious Dead
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lawrence gilliam
Posted: November 13th, 2007, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your opion Testament i understand, if you have something for me to read let me know glad you told me i will look into the script and rewrite some thanks again.


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