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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Alex Cooper's Christmas Cheer Moderators: bert
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  Author    Alex Cooper's Christmas Cheer  (currently 1404 views)
Don
Posted: December 26th, 2006, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Alex Cooper's Christmas Cheer by Alex Cooper - Short - A Christmas tale about a young Chimney Sweep who only wants a red bicycle for Christmas. 11 pages - pdf, format


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chism
Posted: December 26th, 2006, 9:05pm Report to Moderator
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Ape,

As usual, this review will probably be a bit bias, but I actually likde this one quite a lot. It's been a while since I read it, so I did a re-read and my opinion didn't change. You've created a nice, sweet Christmas story without giving all of us readers diabetes.

I also liked the Olde English venacular that you've captured here. The use of that old timey language was very well done, it felt like Olde English people speaking Olde English. Well done on another good script.


Cheers, Chismeister.
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spencerforhire
Posted: December 27th, 2006, 8:47am Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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This was a really good story. The olde english was a nice touch. Gave the reader a real sense of a poor worthless little boy who means well and isnt affraid to work for what he wants.

I was a bit confused by William saying, "He knows my name." I read back and didnt see where that came into play. I probably just missed it.

Also, in your descriptions you referrence the name William as you begin many of these actions. The reader knew who you were talking about. Try and confine the use of the characters name in the descriptions. Hey, thats just my vice.

Overall, the story was an A+ and thats what really matters anyway.

Great job!

Spencer McDonald


I got nothing.  
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Alex J. Cooper
Posted: December 27th, 2006, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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Thank you chism for a official review.

And cheers Spencer for giving me an A+! If only i'd gone so well for my english...


Quoted from spencerforhire
I was a bit confused by William saying, "He knows my name." I read back and didnt see where that came into play. I probably just missed it.


Santa said his name, but William never gave it. The magic of Santa.


Quoted from spencerforhire
Also, in your descriptions you referrence the name William as you begin many of these actions. The reader knew who you were talking about. Try and confine the use of the characters name in the descriptions. Hey, thats just my vice.


I spose your right. I was thinking the same thing when writing. I'm not one for repetitivity, but i wanted to make sure readers knew i was talking bout William.

Thanks and thanks again, this short is dedicated to christmas and the many, many presents it brings.


Shorts:
I Named Him Thor
Footloose, Cut Loose
Tainted Milk
Marshmallows
Confucius & The Quest For Nessie
Wondrous Presentation
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tomson
Posted: December 27th, 2006, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Alex,

very nice little Christmas story you have here.  I like this script a lot.

I just have a couple of questions,

spoilers:

I think in England Santa clause is called father Christmas.

Did you intend for Santa to give William a bicycle and money too?  It just seemed odd to me that he would give William money so he could buy a bicycle, but when William goes to buy it, it is gone.  Then it turns out that Santa bought the bike.  Other than that I think you did a really nice job.

Pia  
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mcornetto
Posted: December 27th, 2006, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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I thought that was a charming little story.

I thought the Olde Englishisms were appropriate - but they need a bit more work.  For example, I think the monetary amounts were a bit steep for back then - you might try lowering them. Also, I'm not certain but I don't think 'mister'  is the right address - try using Guv instead (you use it once) though I think that would only be for a patron.  Also Santa Claus (no 'e') is most definitely Father Christmas.

I think the one other place that needs some work is the part where he meets Santa. I don't think Santa should give him all that money and the bike and the milk and cookies. It's a bit too much, make him work for it more.
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Alex J. Cooper
Posted: December 27th, 2006, 11:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tomson
Did you intend for Santa to give William a bicycle and money too?  It just seemed odd to me that he would give William money so he could buy a bicycle, but when William goes to buy it, it is gone.  Then it turns out that Santa bought the bike.  Other than that I think you did a really nice job.


He's a generous man, that Santa Claus. Thanks Pia for the reading, maybe the gifts are a little over the top. Something i can work on for next Christmas.


Quoted from mcornetto
I thought that was a charming little story.


That's all i need to hear. No, thanks for clarrifying the Father Christmas thing. It's strange how each nation usually has a different name for a god or mythical person. Except Australia, we're the multicultured country! Yep, the frankenstien monster of continents. I was going to say "guv" but i spose i just pictured a litttle english boy saying mister more. Like, "Mister, mister!" I had him saying sir at one point but that didn't sound right.


Quoted from mcornetto
I think the one other place that needs some work is the part where he meets Santa. I don't think Santa should give him all that money and the bike and the milk and cookies. It's a bit too much, make him work for it more.


Hahaha, i don't want Santa to come of a slave driver. "Oh and while you're here, could you shine shoes...", "Shine, boy, shine!"

Thank you both for the read.


Shorts:
I Named Him Thor
Footloose, Cut Loose
Tainted Milk
Marshmallows
Confucius & The Quest For Nessie
Wondrous Presentation
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mcornetto
Posted: December 28th, 2006, 12:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Alex J. Cooper

i don't want Santa to come of a slave driver. "Oh and while you're here, could you shine shoes...", "Shine, boy, shine!"



Lol. I can see how you would interpret what I wrote as wanting to make Santa a slave driver but it wasn't my intention.

Santa gives "good" boys and girls their presents.  He isn't a charitable institution - you have to work for what you get. Santa isn't driving the work but he's watching - making sure you do it. I didn't get the impression from the story that William earned the bike and the cookies and the money. And while it was sweet and charitable that he got the bike and the money and the cookies - it was a bit more than he earned in the story.  If he is going to get such a nice reward - he needs to get it for some reason.
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Alex J. Cooper
Posted: December 28th, 2006, 4:48am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I should have gave William the black lung or something, since he's working in those chimneys all day. A little bit of disease always brings out a charitable soul.


Shorts:
I Named Him Thor
Footloose, Cut Loose
Tainted Milk
Marshmallows
Confucius & The Quest For Nessie
Wondrous Presentation
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