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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  All The Good Ones Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 11th, 2007, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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All The Good Ones by Jentri Chancey - Drama - A seventeen year-old small town girl, Story, falls for a twenty year- old, eccentric college boy, Billy, in her hometown. When they decide to move to Austin, TX together, Billy’s addiction to drugs and a steady past leads to the quick demise of a perfect love, resulting in paranoia, sexual confusion, and infidelity. While Billy is a whimsical dreamer, faced with internal demons, Story’s blinded optimism keeps her believing that she can change him. His plans for them include traveling around the world and visiting his birthplace. When multiple tragedies provoke Billy to proclaim his freedom from Story once and for all, she feels compelled to participate in the life style that inevitably tears them apart.  111 pages - pdf, format


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Seth
Posted: February 12th, 2007, 3:15am Report to Moderator
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A spec script should, ideally, be a quick, easy read. With this in mind you might want to shorten sentences.

For example: on pg 12 you wrote, "slowly, she reciprocates the affection by snuggling up close to him and touching his arm.

You could trim seven words from this sentence with little or no loss of meaning.

"She riciprocates, snuggling up close, touching his arm."

Also, you shouldn't include camera shots -- we see, we hear, etc. There are three reasons not to do this. 1) anything that's on the page, given that it's a screenplay, will, by definition, be seen or heard. That said, it's redundant. 2) It's not your job. It's the directors. And 3) Again, in the interest of a quick, easy read, you do not want to employ unnessary words.

Which brings me to your descriptives regarding bit players. Is it, in terms of the story, important to know that the hispanic child's mother is in her late 40s with short, black hair and a chunky build? Is it important that she be hispanic? It might be, but given that you didn't bother to name her, I doubt it is. If it isn't critical to the story, it shouldn't be on the page.  

The above comments aside, you're, imo, a competent writer, but a wordy one. I enjoyed many of the visuals. For example, the one on page seven that lets us know Billy is trippin'. Nice.

Nonetheless, I stopped reading on page thirty. There wasn't enough conflict or tension to hold my interest. There simply wasn't anything that grabbed me.

Seth


Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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patrickjasonrodriguez
Posted: February 12th, 2007, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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I have to agree with Seth on just about everything he touched on. Like Gordon Gekko once said, "Brevity, for lack of a better term, ladies and gentlemen, is good." Or whatever he said. I don't really remember.

And in reference to the character having been described as "Hispanic", I'm always confused as to why writers use such a hazy -- and often, lazy -- discription. I understand why you have a Hispanic character -- the setting of New Mexico, home to a rather large Hispanic population of various diasporatic orign makes that obvious. But how could someone look Hispanic? It's like saying, "He looked like a barista." It's very obtuse. Remember, the term Hispanic was invented during the '70s as a ethnic label, not as a race, and definitely not something to portray someone's skin color. The fact is Hispanics come in all skin colors of the rainbow, to use a dated hippie saying rather liberally. The same goes for usage of the terms "African-American," "Asian," "Middle-Eastern," "Mexican," "Puerto Rican," "Anglo," and so forth.

I don't mean to knock you, author, personally; This really is a shout out to everyone who's posted on this site. and I don't mean to play the role of the know-it-all line judge; I've just seen the above terms used all too often in scripts. And I find it funny that so-called "White" people are rarely given this special descriptive modifier; as if we are just to assume. Personally, I feel that "ethnic" descriptions should be left out completely, or that every character should be given one.    
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Jentri
Posted: February 12th, 2007, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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Dear Seth, thank you so much for the commentary. This is the first complete screenplay I've written so I'm grateful for all constructive criticism you've offered.
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chernochan
Posted: November 18th, 2013, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Hi Jentri   Here is my review of the script:



The script starts in 2004, in Gallup, New Mexico. We meet Story Leonard, 27. Immediately there are some great images: "The skyline fades and blossoms an array of colors over stacked mountains behind a modest, tasteful community." "Story stands in front of a mirror and stares at her reflection. She splashes water on her face and pats it dry with a hand towel. She observes the fine wrinkles on her forehead, lifts the skin above her eyes, smooths over her cheeks with her hands, gives a wide smile as she runs her tongue over her teeth." The imagery is sharp and concise. It's extremely articulate.

Now there's a flashback to the Leonard House, circa 1993. Story is 17, and her mother and father are splitting up. Furthermore, Story is not very popular in school, and she's not passing her classes. Michelle, Story's best friend, sets Story up with Billy (he's doing drugs on a toilet, when we first meet him). Story and Billy get along well, and start dating. At one point Story's ex-boyfriend (Will) calls her, but she wants nothing to do with him. (Early in the script, as well as later, there are some funny scenes of Story's cool mom, working at a retirement nursing home.)

In one scene Billy and a friend are smoking marijuana, drinking cheap beer, eating shrooms, and popping back codeine (Billy tells his buddy that he stole the codeine from Story's mom's medical cabinet.) Billy says to not tell Story what they are doing. And then the boys are on the front lawn, tripping out hard. We see what they see: a moonflower blossoming before their eyes, Billy's jeans melting into the ground, and other whacked-out images. There are also more of these scenes later in the screenplay, where we see things from Ryan's drugged-out perspective. These all need to be removed, and instead, the writer needs to just show things from an outsider's perspective. Showing these images is pointless, cliche, and uninteresting.

Story flunks out of high school, and gets a job at Walmart. One night she confronts Billy, saying that she knows what him and his friend were doing, and she's not happy. Then, the next day, her ex (Will) stops by her house. Story reluctantly agrees to see Will (because she is mad at Billy) and they end up spending the night together. The next morning Billy brings his parents by, unaware of Will's visit. Billy promises Story he will be better to her.

Three years later, we're in Austin, Texas. Billy (in college) and Story get their own place, and we find out that they're engaged. The script details their time in Austin; mostly Billy's drug addiction getting out of control, and Story's struggle to break free from the man she loves. The story has a lot of detail, and the dynamics between the many characters are intricate, and believable.

A lot happens in the "All The Good Ones", but especially for a script with so much detail... but nothing ever really happens.  Yes, we see the deterioration of Billy and Story's complex relationship. And the story surrounding this is woven with many intriguing threads; characters; relationships, secrets. But there is nothing special, or compelling, about Story and Billy's love for each other. (Which, I don't even believe they love each other. Billy is trying to love himself through Story. And Story-she doesn't love herself, as she puts Billy before herself and allows him to hold her back. So if she doesn't love herself, she couldn't love Billy!)

"All The Good Ones" is about an extremely average couple's problems, and the dull, unromantic reality of them. Story and Billy are poison to each other,and would be better apart than together. But as their partnership implies, they only live with what feels easy, safe, and comfortable. Everything in the script is genuine. But these two lovers, and their friends and family... are just plain, ordinary people.

Like the characters, the script is wandering and aimless. The piece could be shortened significantly by cutting out small, unnecessary things. But this needs more than just shortening. Even though I read the script with laser-like focus... it really was boring. And usually, I like boring. So if I think it's boring... it must be pretty uninteresting.
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