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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Short Comedy - April '07 One Week Challenge  ›  Another Day, Another Dollar
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  Author    Another Day, Another Dollar  (currently 8332 views)
Don
Posted: April 29th, 2007, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Another Day, Another Dollar by Sean Elwood - Short, Comedy - After being fired from her job, Madeline searches for another one. She finally finds one with high pay, but first, she has to talk to her husband. <15 pages - doc, format


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Don  -  May 13th, 2007, 1:17pm
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Shelton
Posted: April 29th, 2007, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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This one reads like a joke, in that it ends right at the punchline.  I think you could have extended this a little, if not quite, a bit.  There was definitely more of an opportunity for comedy there with Dane's reaction.

In the end, somewhat funny, but REALLY predictable.  An extension would have improved this tenfold.


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Heretic
Posted: April 30th, 2007, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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This could be the start of a hilarious conversation.  Right now it's just a punchline.


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jerdol
Posted: April 30th, 2007, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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I guessed it would be along those lines right from the synopsis.  Very predictable and not very funny.  It would work better as a verbal joke than as a script, especially since it's all verbal anyways.
The one positive point - I think the opening set-up was very well-done.  I really did envision the scene well; the news was a nice touch.  Which leads me to believe that your script-writing talents are good, even if this concept wasn't.


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James McClung
Posted: April 30th, 2007, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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This was okay, I guess. Unfortunately, I saw the punchline coming a mile away. Predictable jokes usually don't go over too well. I suppose it merits a half-smile but still, that's not much. I think the problem here isn't so much that the joke isn't really funny so much as it's the only joke here. You need a little more than an additional handful. With just one, this is going to be hit and miss. Personally, I'd call it a miss.


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CindyLKeller
Posted: April 30th, 2007, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, but I have to agree with the others here. I think you gave away too much in the logline. I had already figured out how it would end before I read it. I would have liked to see a little more craziness, too.
You did write a script in a week though.  


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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 30th, 2007, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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I've read the previous comments to make sure that whatever I have to say I wouldn't repeat them because this is such a short script, but they've pretty much pointed out everything.

This really wasn't that funny. Like those above me had said, it seems like a joke written out like a script, and the ending is the punchline, let alone, which was also predictable. And with only one joke, there's nothing else really left for us to smile about.

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Jonathan Terry
Posted: April 30th, 2007, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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I just feel....so bummed readin this script.

It almost feels like I'm reading part of a conversation.  And the ending (even though I saw it coming a mile away) left me confused.  I literally scrolled up and down the last page five or six times.  I couldn't believe that that was it.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't bad.  But, of course, there's not much for me to judge.


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mcornetto
Posted: May 1st, 2007, 6:01am Report to Moderator
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It was great that you wrote a script for the OWE.  

But this read more like a skit than a film.  Perhaps that was what you were after, a skit...If so you acheived it.
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GM
Posted: May 1st, 2007, 8:30am Report to Moderator
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Characters need a bit more work. Other than that, I didn't find it funny. I understnad what the aim was but it did not prove succesful. Maybe revise this later.

Gabe
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tomson
Posted: May 1st, 2007, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hi there,

I agree with everything the others have said already, so no point in repeating.

I think you overdescribed things in the beginning.

There's no need to say that "the couple eats what looks to be TV dinners taken out of the trays and set on plates" for example.

You can just simply state that they eat some unapetizing looking food.

You don't have to mention that they are in the kitchen. That has already ben established by the scene heading.

(maybe I'll come back and add some more here later, especially if you are reading and commenting on the other scripts entered)
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alffy
Posted: May 3rd, 2007, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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This was ok, nice punchline but not much to it really.

I don't think there's much left to say about this, maybe extended it would be better?
I don't think there's enough build up at the moment, a quick conversation to reach the punchline - it's all a bit quick to be honest.


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RobertSpence
Posted: May 3rd, 2007, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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I agree with the rest of the guys, you really did over describe the opening of the script. It would be good told as a verbal joke, which it obviously was originally, but the thing is, my classification of a script is one that has a begining, a middle and an end. Your script did not have this. Well that is my classification of a Screenplay which most of this community is trying to achieve. However i did like the punchline, and had a laugh at that. I didn't really want to predict the ending which is why i found it funny.

On the whole, not bad attempt. But not great either.


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Mr.Z
Posted: May 3rd, 2007, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
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I don't like to jump on the bandwagon without adding nothing new to the table, but I agree with the previous readers. Feels more like a joke than a comedy script. Her new job could have sparked quite a funny exchange between these two, but the script ended right after the reveal (which was predictable).


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Abe from LA
Posted: May 4th, 2007, 1:55am Report to Moderator
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The problem for me is that this story is too short, too predictable and not funny.

Although it still wouldn't be a story, I was at least hoping for a twist ending.  
All the steam was shot by the time Madeline described her new job hours and her reference to "customers."  Yes, I too saw the end coming way before the end, which sort of petered out.
I think I liked the "tackling the old woman" part of the story better.

Maybe it would have been funnier if Madeline didn't say what the job was, but broke down into 6-8 Kama Sutra positions and had Dane take a flying guess.  I dunno...

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