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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Capsul Moderators: bert
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  Author    Capsul  (currently 1163 views)
Posted: July 4th, 2007, 11:17am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Capsul by Brian Sharpe - Short, Adventure, Fantasy - Six antropologist researchers uncover the oldest civilization known to their time. 8 pages - doc, format

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Posted: July 5th, 2007, 8:33am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

My UZI Weighs A Ton

Northern Hemisphere
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Hey Brian,


While I absolutely loved the ending I didn't really like any other bit of the story. The script, even though it's only 8 pages, seemed to drag along mainly because the characters all seems so much alike. It's the same with the dialogue, it all seems like it was spoken by the same person, there is nothing that sets them apart (except the names and they're pretty strange). It's important that you have look at this.

Your descriptions are pretty solid. I particularly like the opening shot, it's inventive and sets a great tone. Very well done.

Your format is off a bit. Parenthesis, like dialect, should be below the character name but above the dialogue (like you do with "beat") and once you have established that the character speaks with a dialect then there's no reason to repeat it every time that character speaks.

The action paragraphs should not take up more than 3-4 lines, otherwise the paragraph looks bulky and unattractive.

Also, don't write what can't be seen or heard. Example, you write:

"URJASZ, intelligent-young male"

Really? This guy has two lines worth of dialogue: "Surari! Professor!?!" and "Somethingís there isnít it? About 9 feet down", neither of those line suggest that he has any more intelligence than a piece of plywood.

Don't tell - show.

Please spell-check your work. Unfortunately this script is riddled with typos. Even the title Capsul, don't you mean Capsule?


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Posted: July 5th, 2007, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

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I agree very much with sniper and since he gave a thorough critique you should listen to him. I will not rehash his points.

Have you seen A.I.? That script shows an excellent portrayal of the future archeologists. I think you tend to anthropomorphize the aliens a bit too much to the detriment of the story.

I always wonder about these short scripts too. What kind of story are you trying to tell? I understand vignettes but do not think visual arts is where it belongs (I know someone will prove me wrong but I still stand by it). Mainly I feel this way because so many people like to just blurt out snippets of ideas without any attention to the characters or plot, they just have to get them down and out.

While this is great for you it is not so great for us readers. Give me fully developed characters revealing genuine insights into the human condition, and IF you can do it in 8 pages then I will recant.
Till then, learn to develop your story and sweat over it, love it, imagine it, dream it, exist in the body of each of your creations until you love them as you love yourself, bear them through the corridors of your mind until they draw blood from your brain and steal life from your spirit.
If you aren't in pain, genuine pain, while writing - then you aren't experiencing the beauty of creating something original. Till then, you're skimming the surface of your conscious mind. Find the deeper layers, the ones that you're scared and disgusted by, then show me what is beautiful about your fear.

DUST AND ROSES - (Western) 7 Pages


THE GHOST OF JOHN (Horror) 94 Pages
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Posted: July 10th, 2007, 7:10am Report to Moderator

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I agree with the comments above (apart from the last para from electricsatori about pain - weird).

The characters need fleshing out and the pace needs to step up in the first two-thirds.

Here are some specifics to be getting on with:

- 'The researchers wear  estranged  attire' - too many spaces and the word estranged isn't right - strange will do.

- 'SURARI and LAZARZ, early 20s, assistant, rugid-young man' - you mean rugged?

- If Urjasz works with the group (or is a student) wouldn't he know what a L Scan was, therefore he wouldn't be surprised or comment on it.

- 'ZENOBJA (O.S)  HEY!?!' no need for 2x! and a ? and CAPS.

- 'SURARI is startled by the outburst as her attention is drawn over to' full stop missed.

- Several occasions of 3 full stops rather than just the one needed.

- Don't put DRON in speech marks.

- 'acculminates' - spelling error

- 'JOACHIM  (dialect) There sure is?' - why is this a question?

- 'agressively' - spelling error

- 'Starled' - spelling error

- 'disguested' - spelling error

- 'tommorrow' - spelling error

- 'civilaztions' - spelling error

- 'scorpians' - spelling error

- your intro says the script is about 'antropologists' - which is spelt wrong. But my point is that these people are more likely to be archaeologists.

I hope this helps.

best wishes


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