Hey Chris How's it going. I just finished your script. Now I haven't seen the movie, and from what I have heard it wasn't very good, and I also haven't read the book so I have nothing to compare this to, which is always probably a good thing, maybe now I will check out the movie sometime and see how the two compare now that I have read your script.
First off I'm not really a fan of these kinds of books, I don't mind movies in this genre, I liked LOTR, Conan the barbarian, Excalibur, Chronicles of Narnia, but I never got into reading them for some reason, just not my cup of tea I guess. The names always get to me as well, here we got Merlock, Galbatorix, Morzan, Garrow, Horst, Durza, Arya, whatever happened to Joey and Jackie and Johnny and Phil, Bobby and Tommy and Danny and Bill, haha, just kidding, I know this is fantasy so it makes sense, but where the heck did Luke come from in star wars, the only guy with a normal name. Okay I'm just rambling now, I should get to the review.
Now doing an adaptation is a hard thing to do, so I commend you for being able to do it, and for your age that is even more impressive. I did have some problems with the script though.
Some of your descriptions seem kind of off and there are a few grammar mistakes(which I make a tone of as well)
page 3 you write
"Arya jumps off the horse AND lightning speed and lands on the
Maybe "Arya jumps off the horse AT lightning speed"
Page 5 you have
"A DOE is limping around on the edge of the herd because of a
Maybe "A Doe with a broken leg limps around"
Page 7 you have
"Suddenly, a tall, thick man walks into the building. This is
HORST, a rough looking man."
Maybe "Suddenly a tall, thick, rough looking man enters the building. This is HORST"
page 10 you have
"Eragon walks into the house with a dragging pace. He looks
Maybe "Eragon, tired, drags himself into the house."
Page 12 you have
"Garrow is sitting at one end and
RORAN, a nine-teen year-old man."
Maybe "Garrow sits at one end of the table, and RORAN (19) sits at the other end"
Page 35 you have
"They are bleeding badly through his
pants on the inside of his thighs"
Maybe " The inside of his Thighs bleed through his pants"
"Brom is quietly smoking his pipe and looking into the fire"
Maybe "Brom smokes his pipe quietly as he looks into the fire".
"Eragon and Brom slowly ride into the city on their horses.
Eragon is behind Brom."
Maybe 'Eragon follows Brom as they ride their horses into town."
There are a few more lines like this, I think you can see how to re phrase these kinds of lines.
You seem to write "a few moments pass" or "a moment passes" a lot, some times right after each other, it does get a little repetitive.
Page 34 in Eragon's Dialogue you write "EGG.S" you have a period before the S
I'm not sure if I like the fact that the Dragon talks, even if it is in V.O, reminds me of DragonHeart, I think I prefer a non talking Dragon, but this is probably in the novel though, at least I'm guessing that.
On page 35 you Capitalized "HE"
On page 41 you have the dream sequence you write it like Dialogue, that seemed kinda weird.
I don't need help, but you can
That line is just weird, I would recommend getting rid of it all together.
HAHAHA page 72, The WERECAT is cool
On page 79 Brom says "If you were to scry the Raz’zac" What do you mean by SCRY
As for the story itself it isn't bad, but it does slow down to a dead stop in the middle after Garrow is hurt, From page 40-48, I think you could cut out a few pages here, there is a lot of dialogue here that just seems to go on and on.
Also there really isn't much time spent on the Villain or villains, so it lacks suspense, I wish we would get a chance to have more of them, especially in the middle, there is the fight with the Urgal's which was cool, but I think the story needed more of that. The last act does pick up though, but I felt the first two acts went by a little slow.
In the end this was a good effort, I think you need to work on your descriptions and how you word your lines, it does slow down in the middle, I think it needs something in there to make it move a little faster, also some more of the bad guys would be cool. Still to do something like this takes a lot of time and effort and to be able to follow through is commendable.
Hope this helps.