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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Eragon Moderators: bert
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  Author    Eragon  (currently 2897 views)
Don
Posted: July 21st, 2007, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Eragon by Christopher L. Harris - Adventure, Fantasy - When Eragon finds a polished blue stone in the forest, he thinks it is the lucky discovery of a poor farm boy; perhaps it will buy his family meat for the winter. But when the stone brings a dragon hatchling, Eragon realizes he has stumbled upon a legacy nearly as old as the Empire itself. Overnight his simple life is shattered, and he is thrust into a perilous new world of destiny, magic, and power. With only an ancient sword and the advice of an old storyteller for guidance, Eragon and the fledgling dragon must navigate the dangerous terrain and dark enemies of an Empire ruled by a king whose evil knows no bounds. Can Eragon take up the mantle of the legendary Dragon Riders? The fate of the Empire may rest in his hands. . . . 115 pages - pdf, format


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Elmer
Posted: July 21st, 2007, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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Yah, this was my first feature length script. I wrote it last year and haven't really touched it since the third draft...but I figured I'd post it up here to see what everyone thinks of it.

I don't know what to say about the screenplay other than it was written before the actual real life film was released. I just wrote it as a fan fiction so I could stay in practice and so I could write a long screenplay and get that under my belt.

So thanks in advanced for any reads! I hope you enjoy it...

-Landon


"A writer is a person for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people." -Thomas Mann

http://www.wordswithlandon.com
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The boy who could fly
Posted: July 27th, 2007, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Chris How's it going.  I just finished your script.  Now I haven't seen the movie, and from what I have heard it wasn't very good, and I also haven't read the book so I have nothing to compare this to, which is always probably a good thing, maybe now I will check out the movie sometime and see how the two compare now that I have read your script.

First off I'm not really a fan of these kinds of books, I don't mind movies in this genre, I liked LOTR, Conan the barbarian, Excalibur, Chronicles of Narnia, but I never got into reading them for some reason, just not my cup of tea I guess.  The names always get to me as well, here we got Merlock, Galbatorix, Morzan, Garrow, Horst, Durza, Arya, whatever happened to Joey and Jackie and Johnny and Phil, Bobby and Tommy and Danny and Bill, haha, just kidding, I know this is fantasy so it makes sense, but where the heck did Luke come from in star wars, the only guy with a normal name.  Okay I'm just rambling now, I should get to the review.

Now doing an adaptation is a hard thing to do, so I commend you for being able to do it, and for your age that is even more impressive.  I did have some problems with the script though.

Some of your descriptions seem kind of off and there are a few grammar mistakes(which I make a tone of as well)

page 3 you write

"Arya jumps off the horse AND lightning speed and lands on the
ground lightly."

Maybe "Arya jumps off the horse AT lightning speed"

Page 5 you have

"A DOE is limping around on the edge of the herd because of a
broken leg."

Maybe "A Doe with a broken leg limps around"

Page 7 you have

"Suddenly, a tall, thick man walks into the building. This is
HORST, a rough looking man."

Maybe "Suddenly a tall, thick, rough looking man enters the building.  This is HORST"

page 10 you have

"Eragon walks into the house with a dragging pace. He looks
very tired."

Maybe "Eragon, tired, drags himself into the house."

Page 12 you have

"Garrow is sitting at one end and
RORAN, a nine-teen year-old man."

Maybe "Garrow sits at one end of the table, and RORAN (19) sits at the other end"

Page 35 you have

"They are bleeding badly through his
pants on the inside of his thighs"

Maybe " The inside of his Thighs bleed through his pants"

Page 53

"Brom is quietly smoking his pipe and looking into the fire"

Maybe "Brom smokes his pipe quietly as he looks into the fire".

Page 66

"Eragon and Brom slowly ride into the city on their horses.
Eragon is behind Brom."

Maybe 'Eragon follows Brom as they ride their horses into town."

There are a few more lines like this, I think you can see how to re phrase these kinds of lines.

You seem to write "a few moments pass" or "a moment passes" a lot, some times right after each other, it does get a little repetitive.

Page 34 in Eragon's Dialogue you write "EGG.S"  you have a period before the S

I'm not sure if I like the fact that the Dragon talks, even if it is in V.O, reminds me of DragonHeart, I think I prefer a non talking Dragon, but this is probably in the novel though, at least I'm guessing that.

On page 35 you Capitalized "HE"

On page 41 you have the dream sequence you write it like Dialogue, that seemed kinda weird.

Page 50            

                      ERAGON
I don't need help, but you can
come.

That line is just weird, I would recommend getting rid of it all together.

HAHAHA page 72,  The WERECAT is cool  

On page 79 Brom says "If you were to scry the Razízac"  What do you mean by SCRY


As for the story itself it isn't bad, but it does slow down to a dead stop in the middle after Garrow is hurt,   From page 40-48, I think you could cut out a few pages here, there is a lot of dialogue here that just seems to go on and on.

Also there really isn't much time spent on the Villain or villains, so it lacks suspense, I wish we would get a chance to have more of them, especially in the middle, there is the fight with the Urgal's which was cool, but I think the story needed more of that.  The last act does pick up though, but I felt the first two acts went by a little slow.

In the end this was a good effort, I think you need to work on your descriptions and how you word your lines, it does slow down in the middle, I think it needs something in there to make it move a little faster, also some more of the bad guys would be cool.  Still to do something like this takes a lot of time and effort and to be able to follow through is commendable.  

Hope this helps.



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Elmer
Posted: July 30th, 2007, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I was at the beach all weekend and was too tired when I got home to do anything online. ha ha.

Names in our world differ culture-from-culture. So I guess that's why it's like that in fantasy books. To nudge it farther from reality and to give it a sense that the cultures have depth to them...but what do I know? ha ha.

I still suck at grammar nowadays, but I'm probably better than I was back when I wrote this screenplay. I use "a moment passes" quite a lot with everything and need to work on that and find another way to describe it. ha ha.

I'm glad you enjoyed the Werecat. He was a fun character in the book and is actually quite an important character in the second and third books, so I wanted to find some way to introduce his character without drawing it out too much since he really isn't that important in this script.

I agree that the second act of the screenplay is rather boring and needs a lot of reworking. But the fact is that I was being way too faithful to the source and got to page 82 and realized I still had like 250+ pages of book to adapt and freaked out...so then I sort of read through those last book pages and took the minimum of what I needed and adapted it. The final battle and the third act in general is very rushed and needs some work.

The lack of time spent with the villains was how it was in the book, which goes to show my lack of experience with adapting books. I didn't think about the fact that in a book, characters can talk about the villains and it's fine...but in a film, you have to actually get to know them, as listening to characters talk is quite boring. So I agree and will fix it in the next draft. The real-life film does a much better job at dealing with the villains than I did.

Anyway, thanks for checking my script out. I'm glad you were able to get through it without too many eye-injuries. Hopefully you'll enjoy the sequel much more if you get around to reading that. =D

I'll have the review for your script up hopefully by Wednesday night.

Again, thanks!

-Chris


"A writer is a person for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people." -Thomas Mann

http://www.wordswithlandon.com
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