Bodies in Motion by Dino Barlaam - Short, Sci Fi - In the near future, a young couple decide to break the law in order to have a better life for themselves. 10 pages - pdf, format

Well come on, Dino! What happens next?

Liked the short, good set-up, great characters that I cared about and rooted for.

Liked the fact that Wayne stopped to help well-dressed man. Showing, not telling about his character.

Would have liked to have a name assigned to well-dressed man, but no big deal.

Good job, now get them kids to Canada, alright?

The best compliment i can give is that it kept me interested.

I was interested in the characters, the story, was excited for what would happen next.

Congrats.

SO, what happens next in their adventures?

Good short. Couple of suggestions and crits:

Where did the handgun come from? It says that she still has the handgun pointed at him. Where did it first show up and when did she start having it pointed at the well dressed man?

It seems a little much that agent's are breaking into people's houses for having children. I don't say it in the respect that it's a bad concept. far from it. I think it just needs a better set up. You're main venue to display this is the commercial. A little tweaking of it may go a long way.

The kitchen scene runs pretty long. You may want to think about breaking it in half. I could be as easy as moving half of it to packing in the bedroom.

I would like to see what happens after this. Good show.

Dino,

This was an interesting concept.  Good characters who are distinct and have their own voice.  I would suggest, as a means of raising the tension even more, of puttting the officer/well-dressed man/Hank dude in there sooner...and have the bulk of the film be about them trying to escape him.  That's when it got interesting.  Maybe Wayne and his girl GO with him and discover that he's really transporting them to a prison and they have to escape.  Sounds over the top, yes, but, scale it down, and you have a really tense sci-fi drama.  Otherwise, keep on going with it....

Hey Dino!

Nice work. I really liked the dark concepts you are dealing with in this.

I like constructive feedback when I post, so I'm going to list a few points that weren't clear to me.

Ariana rubbing her stomach on page 1 is a bit obvious. It seems when ever a woman is pregnant this action is always used to indicate that. Maybe having her watch two kids (legal kids) playing in their yard. Or a woman walking her toddler down the side walk.

I am not entirely sure about Ariana's point of view on keeping this baby. The dialogue between pages 3-4. Would she really rather give it up to stay in America if they have been trying so long?

Great story and excellent writing. Just a minor suggestion because it's set in the near future, maybe have the guy turn off the tv with a voice command, ala Siri.