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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Bride Slayer Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Bride Slayer  (currently 950 views)
Don
Posted: November 4th, 2007, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Bride Slayer by Rajesh Bhardwaj - Short, Horror - Three American tourists are on a train looking for the ultimate horror story until they meet Anil who tells them the tale of the Bride Slayer. Who is Anil? How does he know this story?  8 pages - doc, format


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dogglebe
Posted: November 4th, 2007, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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A couple of quick comments about this script, Rajesh.  First off, your formatting has problems.  When you describe things, you should describe them only as the camera can record them.  On page one, you describe the guys as close friends on a trip backpacking, like friends would do.  You're telling us that they're friends when you're supposed to show us.  You do the same thing at the end when you introduce the newlywed couple as the newlywed couple.  You have to describe them visually (you do later on, but it's too late).

The biggest problem with this script is that you have Anil telling his story for three pages.  Instead of showing us the visuals, we are watching an old man talk to us, and that's wrong.  Movies are a visual medium; you need to show us things, not tell us things.

Reads some scripts here.  Some of them are great learning experiences.


Phil
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spencerforhire
Posted: November 7th, 2007, 8:47am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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Hey Raj

Right off the bat you have a formating error. You state India 2007. This should say, SUPERIMPOSE: India 2007.

Some of your descriptions are overwritten. Here is an example.

"A GROUP OF three TOURISTS sit in a train cabin chatting away as the train splutters away past the various villages and towns."

I was taken back by the use of AWAY twice in one description. Could you tighten this up?

Your descriptions also tell us things and should be showing us. Here is one description that almost had me laughing.

"Dean can see the fear on Fred written all over him and for his pleasure decides to even escalate his fear."

I imagined a man who had been all marked up with a magic marker. The words fear all over his body. I am sure that is not what you meant, but that is how I read it and I am sure other may read it the same way. Is there away to tigten this up?

Overall, your script needs a rewrite to edit out the ambiguous stuff and show us pictures of your characters doing things.

Spencer McDonald



I got nothing.  
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