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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Stranger Than Yesterday Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 11th, 2007, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Stranger Than Yesterday by Seth Hamilton - Short - Porn, suicide & death. A short, low-budget, account of a junkie.  23 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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bert
Posted: November 11th, 2007, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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This is a nice, trippy piece.  The highlight for me is the dialogue -- short, small bullets loaded with undercurrents and exposition while never telling us much explicitly.  That was nicely done, Seth.

ďItís morning -- Iím fixing a drinkĒ.  Wonderful.  We know all we need to know about her with six little words.

But you defeat yourself to a point by trying to be too elusive.  So many characters introduced so briefly.  But the unconventional names help a bit.  We need SHELL in caps, by the way, when we meet her.  And all those boxes.  I don't get that.

But that series of shots is so dreamy and cool -- effectively done.  I imagined the V.O. as distorted, drifting in and out of our consciousness.  And the conversation that follows, with all the talking where nobody is really listening to each other, that is also good.

Technical nit, you occasionally go right from a slugline into dialogue.  Some description, even if itís minimal, is necessary.  Thatís what Iíve heard, anyway, and it sounds reasonable to me.  It does look awkward on the page without it.

And the ending.  Usually I hate stuff like that.  That WTF kind of stuff.  But I'll give this one to you and say that it works great.  Do I get it?  No.  Do you get it?  I wonder.

But it is a WTF ending that actually feels worth thinking about, and that is what's important, I think.

It's good, Seth.  Probably a lot better than you think it is haha.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Seth
Posted: November 12th, 2007, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
This is a nice, trippy piece.  The highlight for me is the dialogue -- short, small bullets loaded with undercurrents and exposition while never telling us much explicitly.  That was nicely done, Seth.


Thank you.


Quoted from bert

It's morning -- I'm fixing a drink.  Wonderful.  We know all we need to know about her with six little words.

But you defeat yourself to a point by trying to be too elusive.  So many characters introduced so briefly.  But the unconventional names help a bit.


Each character, I feel, is necessary. Some, though, could be better introduced.


Quoted from bert

We need SHELL in caps, by the way, when we meet her.  And all those boxes.  I don't get that.


How I forgot to cap SHELL'S name is a mystery -- I've been told to do just that several times by previous reviewers. Change made!

The boxes were originally described as just that, boxes. Mcornetto suggested that I be more specific, so I changed them to cardboard boxes, indicating that someone, we later find out who -- Frank -- is moving in. Maybe I should go one step further and describe them as moving boxes?



Quoted from bert

But that series of shots is so dreamy and cool -- effectively done.  I imagined the V.O. as distorted, drifting in and out of our consciousness.  And the conversation that follows, with all the talking where nobody is really listening to each other, that is also good.


Nice. I'm glad this worked for you.



Quoted from bert
Technical nit, you occasionally go right from a slugline into dialogue.  Some description, even if it's minimal, is necessary.  That's what I've heard, anyway, and it sounds reasonable to me.  It does look awkward on the page without it.


My thinking was, in the late pages of the script, when moving from one room to another, where the shot is continuous, that it wasn't necessary. Apparently it is. In any case, it a simple fix.


Quoted from bert
And the ending.  Usually I hate stuff like that.  That WTF kind of stuff.  But I'll give this one to you and say that it works great.  Do I get it?  No.  Do you get it?  I wonder.


I understand it. I'll pm you an explanation.


Quoted from bert
But it is a WTF ending that actually feels worth thinking about, and that is what's important, I think.


I'm very pleased you enjoyed this. I am attempting to strike a balance between art and craft.


Quoted from bert
It's good, Seth.  Probably a lot better than you think it is haha.


Thanks,

Seth


Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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Yosef91
Posted: November 16th, 2007, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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The beginning was very confusing to me, as well as the end.  I felt that it was too concise at times, as I found myself reading back to see what was going on.  You're obviously a talented writer, but there are times I was wanting someone to utter a semi-complete sentence.

The montage of Shell shooting up was great.  All in all, a gritty read that I enjoyed.
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sniper
Posted: November 16th, 2007, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Seth,

Haven't you posted this script once before? I could have sworn I've read and reviewed this a couple of months ago. Maybe I'm getting old...please teel me I'm not...


Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Seth
Posted: November 17th, 2007, 1:10am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from sniper
Hey Seth,

Haven't you posted this script once before? I could have sworn I've read and reviewed this a couple of months ago. Maybe I'm getting old...please teel me I'm not...


Rob


Yes, you've already read and reviewed this one, as have a few others.



Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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Seth
Posted: November 17th, 2007, 1:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Yosef91
The beginning was very confusing to me, as well as the end.  I felt that it was too concise at times, as I found myself reading back to see what was going on.  You're obviously a talented writer, but there are times I was wanting someone to utter a semi-complete sentence.

The montage of Shell shooting up was great.  All in all, a gritty read that I enjoyed.


Thanks for the review. Gritty? I like that. The story is, no doubt, difficult to follow. It's a bit convoluted -- purposely so. Still, I wonder if there isn't a way to make things, in terms of story, more obvious? Or if it's even necessary to do so?

As for the dialogue, I think it's appropriate given the subject matter.

Again, thanks.

Seth


Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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The boy who could fly
Posted: November 18th, 2007, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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I read the log line for this and it sounded pretty cool so I decided to give it a read.  This was one weird tale, but I like weird.  To be honest I was lost for the first couple pages, I had to re read them a few time, but once you get into the flow of things it actually moves pretty well.  The characters are interesting, but not likable, but I think for this story that isn't what matters, even though you don't like them you are still interested in seeing where they go.  Once Frank and Bay showed up I thought it worked the best, the snappy dialogue was fun to read.  The ending lost me, I had to double back and I still didn't get it, I'll probably have to look over it again, could just be me.  Anyways I liked it, this is definitely not for all tastes but I think that's a good thing, I did these kind of stories and it was a weird ride even though i got lost in the end it was still worth the trip.


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Seth
Posted: November 19th, 2007, 4:28am Report to Moderator
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I read the log line for this and it sounded pretty cool so I decided to give it a read.  This was one weird tale, but I like weird.  To be honest I was lost for the first couple pages, I had to re read them a few time, but once you get into the flow of things it actually moves pretty well.  The characters are interesting, but not likable, but I think for this story that isn't what matters, even though you don't like them you are still interested in seeing where they go.  Once Frank and Bay showed up I thought it worked the best, the snappy dialogue was fun to read.  The ending lost me, I had to double back and I still didn't get it, I'll probably have to look over it again, could just be me.  Anyways I liked it, this is definitely not for all tastes but I think that's a good thing, I did these kind of stories and it was a weird ride even though i got lost in the end it was still worth the trip.




Jordan,

Thanks for the read and comments. I agreee, this story isn't for everyone, which is a good thing.

As for the ending, it would, I think, make more sense if it was more obvious that Dori killed her mother (and with good reason) -- just before she left the apartment in the opening scene.

Again, thanks.

Seth



Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: November 19th, 2007, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Seth,

Very cool story. Very deep. The dialgoue was something out there(which is a good thing). The story flow was interesting.

I just found the number of characters involved to confuse me. The names though were fascinating.

I'll have to read this again to understand it some more, but I've got the gist of it. This reminds me of Memento where the viewer (in this case the reader) has to go back and watch it( read it in this case) again.

Hope this helps in any way,
Gabe

P.S. I'll re-read this again to hopefully come back with a longer review.


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Seth
Posted: November 25th, 2007, 1:56am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Hey Seth,

Very cool story. Very deep. The dialgoue was something out there(which is a good thing). The story flow was interesting.

I just found the number of characters involved to confuse me. The names though were fascinating.

I'll have to read this again to understand it some more, but I've got the gist of it. This reminds me of Memento where the viewer (in this case the reader) has to go back and watch it( read it in this case) again.

Hope this helps in any way,
Gabe

P.S. I'll re-read this again to hopefully come back with a longer review.


Hi Ripley,

Thanks for the read. Having read a script of yours, I think we are, in ways, on the same page -- both of us writing kind of esoteric scripts.

Like yours, this does have a logic to it: Fucked up as it may be -- or as I may be!? Anyway, I am pleased that you, on some level, enjoyed it.

Seth



Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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