The Birthday by Justin McGuire (MusicGod06) - Short, Drama - One Woman's stories about the bleak out look at opinions on life. 5 pages - doc, format

Hey Justin thought I'd give this a read.

OK, first you have some format issues.  Slugs should be capitalised at all times and would strongly recommend giving your attractive woman a name, it becomes tiresome reading that over and over.

I would also suggest you break up the dialogue, simple character movement or even a montage of things she describes like the reverse parking.  As it is, the dialogue block is too large.

Try not to include camera directions, I know it's difficult but in spec scripts you just tell the story.  The director decides how it should be shot.  Also don't include 'we', it's a no no.

Enough of format and on to the story.  I'm a bit confused really, a girl talks about a guy who I assume hurt her mentally and physically but nothing is really shown except a scar.  In all I'm not sure the story holds up, there's not enough to hold my attention, there's too much dialogue.  Remeber show don't tell, at least if you can.

Hope this helps.

Hey Justin,

I don't know how many posts I've written that have started out this way, but add this one to the collection:  Definately some problems with formatting.  If you do like writing and are serious about it, I recommend heading down to the library or nearest Barnes & Noble and investing in a screenwriting book.  I don't think it really matters which one, they all say the same thing.

And now the story.  I'm sorry, I have to admit that I didn't really like this one and, like alffy, was confused by it.

The jist that I got and had in my head throughout the story was that the scar on her stomach was from a cesarean section, and that Ted is a 'customer' of hers, that's why he gave her a fake name.  And I'm just guessing, but is the 3rd thing that she does best f*cking?

I think there's a lot of things that need cleared up in this 5 page story.

- Mark

Ditto to all of the above.  Just a few things to add:

Your backflashes are too layered.  It gets even harder to keep track when we don't have a clear picture of what we're seeing.

I like the fact that we don't ever see Ted.  But, I don't like the part of it being her 21st birthday.  It also seems very bizarre that she would be "working" on her birthday and have brought a John to where someone would have put a birthday banner.  Not impossible.  Just bizarre.

If the whole audition preperation was for a scream, then it really seems too silly of a comedic beat for this script.

All I'm getting from the script is that this is a failed actress turned whore, or a burned-out whore fighting to change her career.  The scar and the story about the guy parking his car seem like filler because it's never made material.  If you're wanting us to get more, or care about the attractive woman, you'll need to do more.