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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Remember Me Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 14th, 2008, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Remember Me by Robert Spence - Comedy, Romantic Comedy - Tom Rester thought he had everything until his world was turned upside down when the girl he knew he was destined to be with dumps him. Months later, a rendezvous with a beautiful girl in a cafe sets his world alight once again, but he never encounters her again, not until ten years later when some truly unique circumstances are involved. 102 pages - pdf, format


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RobertSpence
Posted: February 15th, 2008, 12:25am Report to Moderator
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Hey, just to let everyone know, I've just re-submitted this script again due to me making drastic changes, so if anyone wants to read would be better reading the update.

This is my first feature so all critique welcome.


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Reservoir Pups

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RobertSpence
Posted: February 15th, 2008, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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The updated version is now up so would appreciate some feedback. Thanks.


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Scripts

Reservoir Pups

Short Comedy 14 pages

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1348865321/

The Break-Up Chronicles


Short Comedy/Drama 20 pages

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1388849749/s-0/#num4
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JD_OK
Posted: February 16th, 2008, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
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Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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Pg 6- holding the stereo, lol

pg 12 - mohammed thing, sounds little bit from super bad, but it works here
by page 21, I would think with all their prior fun, they would have exchanged phone number by now, so i find it odd he has been waiting these morning non the wiser or her where abouts

pg 22 I would reframe from using any camera directions,"we see, we hear" thoses types of things, write it so it comes across
that way. and just stick to DAY or NIGHT in slugs

pg 22, all these scenes, GYM, Bathroom, living room, all inside his house?

SIDE NOTE** I dont know if it is just me, but ur pages seem alittle longer then
theyshould. Like its not 1 inch margins, bottom and top. Which in return make ur script longer then 105 pages

pg 26 - Dunno if just me, but naturally when someone wants me to meet their girl friend, my first question isn't usually her name, its  like is she hott, she got big titties, i mean stuff like that. If they dont offer her name already, seems strange to ask since he will introduce them (giving name) at the time. So askin for the name prior to this seems forced (for the setup), cuz I assume its goin to be his lost girl, DARA

28-, good twist, if that is what u wanted us to think, but im still have hard time chewing he dont recongnize her, and let alone, he spent so much time with her and never got her last name

page 29 - Tom's demeanor toward Dara seems out of character, not a guy that would get bitter and have verbal altercation with someone that didnt deserve it

By page 30, there hasnt been a clear end of act one, where a major change in Tom life takes him a new direction. The job

wouldnt be it, cuz he is just gonna be doin what he was goin to do before and it wasnt even aiming himself to get it. Rusty

just casually says that he is up for the promotion.  So if ur change is goin to happen, his realization of DARA needs to come

quicker.
**Side note, what is a lorry?

pg 32, ah, i was right about the girl friend after all

pg 35, powdering nose, no, lol
pg 37,  always need brief description before dialogue in new scene
pg 39, Tom causing big scene, while trying to aviod some one - kinda of cliche
pg 43, this seems to be ur end of act one - the contest -, andthis needs to come way earlier, by 30
pg 44, im not buying he is looking for  a place to stay since his door is broke, shouldnt he be looking  for new door or someone to put it up, its still early in the day. and if u say he doesnt have money to, then why did he even go to hotel? i dont believe
someone would leave their house with no front door, welcoming all to loot it.

pg 45 - Ok, u are having a lot of unrealistic things going on with ur script which takes me out of the story.
Eric *new* girl friend, just happens to be at Tom's parents house, its 2am before he even know she there, let alone, where are the parents? if they let her in before they went to bed, Tom would have know by 2 in the morning Dara was there. and O yea suddenly, her and eric are fighting, which they always see me happy in earlier scenes together. I mean there would have had to been slight foreshadowing of them not doin well then just the sudden BAM, we r fighting...Plus, she is talking like her and eric have been together for years... Do u feel what Im saying?  Also Tom seems a bit bipolar, his moods/actions just take strong turns, dunno if that is ur intent or not... but without a medical reasoning behind this in the script, Tom just seems out of character al ot

pg 48 i might be jumping the gun, but this would be nice twist if it is, they she wasnt the one in the paper. But then again, if she wasnt, I'm sure Dara would have come to tell tell she was leaving, which leads me back to them having each others #s before
hand ( ignore this comment if isnt how it plays out)

pg 49 i might be net picking but can a car really just start smoking by itself without being on/running?Cuz more then likely she would have seen this problem when she parked her car. I understand why u need this to happen, but something else needs to
be thought up to get her to ride with him.

***********************************************
I will have rest of my review posted by mid day tomorrow! I'm eager to see how the rest plays out.  I just have prior obligations to attend to for the rest of the night


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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JD_OK
Posted: February 17th, 2008, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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pg 64 i think this would be ur raising the stakes for the protagonist, by having him have sex with dara this should have around
pg 55, but if ur page count is off due to margins, it could be right

pg 69, its takin granted minus one year to recover, so about 9 years to finally try something, new/hypnosis??!!

pg74, hmm forced to leave the jacuzzi cuz the bubble are out? Thats pretty far fetched especially saying its unhygienic, what difference does bubbles make if u are still sitings in water? The water is still warm until the pressure has built back up and bubbles start again

78- Eric almost finding out, and Tom having to hide it sounds more to me raising the stakes, but right now by 75 or so, ALL IS LOST from structure should have been hit, and it hasnt, I assume

83. Brother finds out and he leaves dara standing in the wind, sounds to me this is ur ALL IS LOST hit point
85- Im really not buying his excuse to be mad at dara, he already know this and talked about it before hand

SIDE NOTE** arent they suppose to work on this project together? That whole concept just really faded away and went to Tom doin it alone...

pg 89 - mick and George, both calling tom son, might wanna change to one of them calling him son. they sound alike. Also
Its is very cliche the other person quits the job so they wont be around and starts to pack up from thier home...

pg 90 I like the eric found the video tape

pg92 LOL, the also cliche/convient neighbor who saw her moving and they told them she wa flying out...I dont know how many movies this happened in, but was alot! I think Tom should eve say how convient/fate  or something how it gets the info he needs and just shrugs it off or something. Make it comedic and not serius since it been done many times before so has to be somewhat different to pull it off. I ould recommend this to all of these cliches u have in the script

pg94 I like the paris plant and u came back to it.
pg 95, i find it odd that he has $800 in his wallet and earlier, he didnt have money to get a hotel or new door...
pg 96 and he just so happens to have his passport w him?
pg 97 weed up his ass from the kid - LOL
pg 98, if someone tried that hard to get to the girl, he would have at least tried ONE call, but i am glad he didnt make it onto the plan, that was good twist
pg 99, i would think a psychiatrist would only see patients during business hours, at night seems kinda funny/odd
104, i like the words u end it on.

All done!

PLOT- You log line was promising, yet ur execution of the event were filled with problems (to me), which didnt ring true realistically. I pointed these out.

Structure - Is pretty off, and it could be bcuz of the margins. Becuz of the structure being off it sometimes felt things were dragging at points. I think alot of stuff can be cut out and others ideas re thought to the believable factor is there for ur setups

Dialogue - Great for the most part, it seems natural, but alot of ur supporting characters seems to talk alike. Tom fell in and out of characters for me at times, which i listed.

Originality - Hmm, I really felt I have been this whole movie before from bits and pieces of other movies. I feel u need to make it more ur own voice, alot less predictable

Proof reading - u have typos/ missing words and letters through out, wasnt to bad but i would say around 10 or so

Effects - You did good on some foreshadowing, paris thing and surprises, eric find tape

Comedy - The parts that made me laugh, really, I listed

Characters - Rusty, Dara, Tom, Julie all seemed fine.. remember able

descriptions - there was good and clear i could see what u wanted! But u tend to over do the telling and not showing. I would work on this.

Format - avoid all camera directions u have here, there was some. Also its 3 "..." not ".." as u have through out.

Overall, I feel alot of rethinking needs to be done on ur setups and structure needs to hit its points. Good job on completing this feature! I liked it, but needs abit of work ( in my eyes). So take in what u agree with and wish u luck with the rewrite!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Limey
Posted: February 18th, 2008, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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Hey Robert

As promised I've checked out your script and it was an entertaining read. I made my own notes as I was going through but I've just checked out JD's review and have to say that I agree with practically everything he says, so I won't bother including my page by page points.

The main thing I think you need to focus on is originality. JD said he felt like he was reading lots of bits of other movies and that sums it up perfectly. The plotlines have been done many times before (falling for brother's girl, can't get over woman who dumped you, finding your soul mate and then losing your memory) but that doesn't bother me too much as this is a genre where sources of conflict are pretty limited and really you can't avoid the genre staples.

What you do need to work on is your choice of scenes. I think you've fallen into the same trap as me when I wrote the first draft of my script - not enough planning. That first draft had the same sort of stock scenes as this (even down to the failed chase at the airport  ) and when I came back to it again after a month's break I thought - a*se, this is one big cliche. So I pretty much scrapped everything and started again at the planning stage (think I've kept two scenes but changed them quite a bit, so maybe 5% of my first draft has made it into the 3rd draft). Before you even start writing a scene you should have been through 9 other options for the scene and rejected them because they're not good enough. I got the feeling you did what I did and thought "well I need such and such to happen" and followed the first idea that came into your head. It's really important to work through a number of ideas until you get to the right one - and you'll know when you get it.

The other reason you need to spend longer planning the scenes is because I felt you've got quite a few that don't really serve a purpose and at the same time you're missing important ones that would make the story more powerful. For example, p78 - the scene between Tom and Rusty serves no purpose. Scenes like this are taking up space that you need to use to develop the characters' relationship more, and by that I mean;

1) Tom / Eric - I never got the feeling these two were close because we never really see them doing anything together / interacting. As such, I knew "logically" Eric would be upset about Tom and Dara and "logically" Tom would feel guilty but I never felt it emotionally. Show us how close these brothers are, make us feel their bond.

2) Julie / Tom - Julie's "self discovery" feels like it springs out of thin air because we never see her change, she just tells us about it. Think of some scenes that will demonstrate her changing attitude both to life and to realising she loves Tom because at the moment there's nothing to back-up her sudden desire to marry him - they've barely spoken.

The other major point I'd make is that you use coincidence a lot (and I think this happens far too often in RomComs, where the excuse of "fate" is often bandied about). Dara happens to be in an accident and loses her memory (why not show she's a bad driver and give a reason for her being in an accident), Dara happens to work at the same place as Tom, Dara happens to be dating Eric, Tom happens to bump into Julie at the restaurant/gym... you should be able to think of logical causes for the situations you create and if you can't, my advice would be to get rid of them, look for that 10th, perfect scene.

I'm not going to go into detail about specific scenes, dialogue exchanges etc because if you agree with anything I've said (and I'm certainly no expert so please feel free to ignore all this  ) I suspect you'll change the vast majority of what's currently there.

I'm aware this sounds horribly negative and I really don't want to put you off continuing with the script. Everything I've said is because I went through exactly the same with my script and I think I've got a much better result now for being hard with myself (but that's subjective  ). You've written some great dialogue and it's not like it's a terrible script that I couldn't finish, I'm just sure you can do a lot better with some thorough planning. One of the screenwriting books I've got says that 65% of your time should be spent planning a script and only 35% writing - shame I didn't take more notice of that before launching into my first draft.

Hope this helps

Adam


Bored of shorts? Try a full length feature;

Red Balloons and Rollercoasters (Comedy / Romantic Dramedy)

Read it...

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/REDBALLOONSANDROLLERCOASTERS.pdf

And rip it to shreds in a review...

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1202674615/
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dresseme
Posted: March 3rd, 2008, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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Robert-

So, I'm up to about page 30, and I usually like to stop here and give my initial thoughts.  I'd like to start off by saying you're a great writer, and I haven't rolled my eyes due to poorly-worded dialogue or overly-wordy descriptions.  Everything flows smoothly.

I do have a bit of a problem with some of your jokes falling flat and your character development so far.

I think the "2 Minute" joke might come across as more awkward than funny.  I think the swallowing the ring joke doesn't make any sense.  I like the pay-off, but I think you're suspending too much disbelief for us to believe he's in so much shock he'd drink from that glass.

I think that in the beginning you don't develop Tom's character enough, so some of the more goofy/cute moments come off as pathetic/desperate/creepy (and not in a good sort of way).  Because you didn't spend all that much time developing his character, the radio bit outside her window would instantly make me dislike him.  But that's just my thing.  At first I liked how quickly you jumped into the story, but then I thought it might have been too quick.

I don't like how she just joins him at the table.   I just don't see anyone doing that, and I think more motivation is called for.

A couple of other things I noticed were that she slaps his hand away when he reaches for her face when just a few scenes earlier SHE was stroking his leg.  It just seemed odd.

Also, the line about destiny on p.20 seems very cheesy and unnatural.  I know she's supposed to be quirky, but it doesn't work for me.

Finally, my initial reaction to the whole car accident thing is that I hope you explain why he didn't track her down during those 10 years.  It would kind of bug me if that was NEVER addressed.  Because they had been on several dates, he knew her name,etc.

I like where the story is heading.  I can see where it's going and I think it'll certainly make for some good twists and  turns.  Looking forward to finishing.

Revision History (1 edits)
dresseme  -  March 3rd, 2008, 11:11am
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dresseme
Posted: March 3rd, 2008, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, I'm about 20 pages from being done, but I don't have anymore time to read, so I wanted to post my comments before I sign off.

I just wanted to say, before I begin, that I am enjoying the script.  It has its problems (which you'll see below), but I'm breezing through it pretty quick.  And like I said, you're a really great writer.  That being said, I do have the following critiques:

p.33- "Thank you Lord for bringing bitches to the table."  -- this seems way more mean-spirited than funny.  In fact, a few pages after this whole scene, I started to dislike Tom a bit for being so whiny and immature.

Why all the Pulp Fiction references?  Granted, so far it's only two, but it's two too many in my opinion.

p.38- As far as I know, the need to go to the bathroom doesn't strike people THAT quickly.  I mean, it was instantaneous.  And then, the need disappears completely and is never addressed again.

p.51- "Apparently your date's a big lesbian then."  - Awkward.

In the coffee house, I would have liked SOME kind of realization moment.  He doesn't need to completely figure it out or anything, but it was too close to the beginning for him to not even pause.

p.55- Here's where I started to think "I can't think this anymore" to myself.  There are WAY too many coincidences in your script.  I know the point you're trying to make, but I feel like you're beating me over the head with it.  Especially with all the winks at the audience, with the characters talking about fate, destiny, etc.  I think you can tone this down and still get your point across.

p.58- “It’s the spritzers we have before we came talking”- REALLY awkward

p.78- "Eric is stupid." is all I kept thinking to myself.

Once again, don't think I'm completely dogging on your script.  I think it's good, and really impressive for a first attempt.  I'm just being honest about some of my critiques.  I'll finish later.
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dresseme
Posted: March 3rd, 2008, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Finished.

So, I'm a sucker for a happy ending, so I really did appreciate the ending.  Odd though, because I never write happy endings for MY romantic comedies.   In fact, the first thing that occurred to me was; wouldn't it be great if he ran to the airport, and while running, ran into some girl, letting Dara get away.  And then it's revealed in the end that destiny just wanted him to be at the airport then so he could meet THAT girl. It was all an intricate plan to get him there at THAT-EXACT-MOMENT, so he could meet the other girl. It was never about Dara!  People in the audience would be like "WHAT?!!?" But I digress...

I didn't really dig the airport chase scene.  I've seen it SO many times before.  That being said, everything else was cute, and it ended very well.  Good job!
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escapist
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Ok, you start off pretty solid.  I like the montage right away.  We definitely can see he's getting set up for disaster, and Tom really comes across as sort of oblivious and endearing here.  The break-up scene goes pretty well, and I like the "2 minutes later" gags.  I loved the "Total Eclipse" scene.  I know getting specific songs can be really iffy, but I really liked your choice here.  Even if it has to be changed, I think the things that worked particularly well were singing as far into the song as they did, and having Rusty on the falsetto back-up.  I loved it.  The "Pulp Fiction" comment fell flat for me, which feels a bit hypocritical for me to be saying, since I recently used the expression "go Tarantino" in a review.  I think the problem was that it was a bit of a non sequitur.  Maybe try something like "the next time you wanna pretend you're John Cusack...", and reference one of his other roles.

Starting with "6 months later", I starting having issues.  First of all, stunningly beautiful women don't randomly start conversations with awkward, quirky guys.  You already gave him a model for a girlfriend, so this is really pushing believability for me.  If Dara's going to start a conversation with Tom, she needs a reason.  I'd say this probably goes double for NYC.  I think they actually have laws prohibiting friendly conversations with strangers.  Secondly, their initial conversation feels a bit unnatural and scripted.

The biggest problem for me in this section, however, was Dara.  I didn't really like her.  She came across to me as somewhat creepy, and seemed like she was trying to hard to appear smart and fun.  She felt a bit fake.  Actually, the more I think about it, I realize that simply changing her description would change things a bit.  If she's described as alternative or ordinary looking rather than "stunningly beautiful", it seems more believable, though I'm still not in love with her personality.  I hope I'm not sounding like I have issues.  

Starting with "10 years later", Tom has apparently become a total douche.  He's conceited and pathetic, so now I don't like him.  And as if that isn't enough, why doesn't he remember Dara?  WTF?  She got hit on the head - what's his excuse?  I think this is a huge flaw, particularly since their earlier connection was supposed to be extremely meaningful.  If it was so significant, he should really remember it, even after ten years.

The date with Gabby scene felt a bit off to me.  I didn't dislike it...but it seemed a little haphazard.  Probably because Gabby and Jay were both throw-away characters.  It seemed like it didn't contribute quite enough to the story.  Julie's success could be shown in other, more succinct ways.

The angry gardener scene was another one that didn't sit well with me.  If you really want me to believe him capable of something that drastic, you need to set it up more ahead of time.  Show Tom being a dick to the gardener, or show us the the gardener is a bit of a psychopath.  Or both.

The cafe.  He still doesn't remember her?  What's his deal?  Also, the transition from hate to infatuation seems to be taking place a bit too quickly.  Similarly, once they begin hitting it off, Tom's reversion to the fun, quirky guy seems to happen to fast as well.  On a positive note, Dara starts becoming more likeable to me after this point.  Yet, in all these interactions we see them in, the most legitimate one is never shown.  Why aren't they ever working on their article together?

The reunion scene with Julie in the gym works really well.  I also like the subplot with George's story, but it really needs to be developed more.  Would Tom really stake his work on waiting for an old man to come out of a coma?  Would he really break down in front of him like that?  For the reader, it's only the second time he's been there.  Simply having Rusty point out on pg. 86 that Tom keeps visiting him doesn't really cut it.  Neither does the "it's not about the story" comment.  What is it about?

Maybe you can let Tom interview George for a few days, but have him fall into a coma before the interview is finished.  That way, he has an investment.  Also, you should really share what exactly George's story is.  There's really not enough there to merit an award-winning story, based on what we know now.


Tom's cold shouldering of Dara works really well.  I think this is possibly one of the strongest parts of the movie.  It feels very realistic.  However, Dara's departure is another thing that I don't buy.  Why would she quit an excellent job because a relationship (particularly such an undeveloped one) goes sour?  Let alone relocate....and where the heck is she flying to?  She's back in town one month later!

I do really like the airport scene, however.  The gags here are pretty decent, and you throw an interesting curve by presenting then circumventing the traditional airport climax.

To summarize, most of your major plot points are great.  The real problems were how you got to each one.  There are far too many situations in which believability is just stretched too far - even for a romantic comedy.  Most importantly, I think your theme of "lovers reunited" is really overshadowed by the themes of "dating a coworker" and "dating your brother's ex".

Minor issues:

NYC setting - I'd really call this a major issue, except that it's so easy to fix.  Your story isn't really set in NYC.  You say it is, but it plays no part in your story at all.  There's nothing in your script that ties the story to NYC, but plenty of things that don't really fit the setting - everybody lives in houses rather than apartments, Tom has a gardener (implying a lawn), there's a paintball field, everybody's lives keep interacting!  Why limit your script unnecessarily by declaring it to be in NYC?

You repeatedly use "common" instead of "c'mon"

Paintball guns fire paintballs, not bullets.    Also from pg. 51 "...injuring a team member."  Did he really injure them, or just hit them?  And was it a team member or an opponent?  Finally, why was there a large pile of manure on the paintball field?

A 24 year old guy dating a 30 year old woman is a little odd.  Having her over to spend the night at his parents' house is really odd.  Changing Eric's age to 28 helps negate this a bit.

In the strip club, Frank says his wife is gonna kill him.  I'm guessing this should be Rusty's line?

The bathroom prank seems really lame.  In the first place, bathrooms are generally set apart, and hard to confuse with other rooms in an office.  Secondly, the excuse about maintenance for the lack of a sign should be pretty transparent to Dara.  Finally, it would be really easy for Dara to simply go "oops, sorry, wrong room" and play it off.  Then throw it back in Tom's face for coming up with such a lame prank.

Similarly, the grace scene didn't work for me.  It was an equally pathetic maneuver.  If Tom's going to use the dinner prayer to take jabs at Dara, I think his insults should actually sound like something legitimate (bitch - beef isn't close enough) or he should go for sarcasm.  Ex.  Thank you lord, for protecting this family from job stealing bitches...

I'm assuming you're writing this for the American market since it's set in America and you used American spellings.  There are a few UK terms in the script, which I'm guessing were oversights - lorry, queue, rung (vs. called) - and it seems like there were one or two more that I can't remember at the moment.

Dara waxing her legs - this really isn't a spur of the moment type thing, afaik.  And it implies that she was planning on going out with really hairy legs...which a woman really wouldn't do if she's getting dressed up for a night on the town.

I'd rename the shrink.  You've already got a Cathy, so adding a Catherine just makes things unnecessarily complicated.

Woman intuition - not sure if this is just a typo.  I've heard it called women's intuition, woman's intuition, womanly intuition, feminine intuition, and female intuition - but never "woman intuition".

There are a few places where the dialog feels really unnatural.  Some examples:
Pg. 26 - The exchange between Tom and Eric feels very contrived.  Why does he need to be there earlier to meet her?  Why won't he give her name?  The reader/viewer knows it's Dara, anyway.
Pg. 51 - Same problem.  Another painfully obvious foreshadowing of Dara's future appearance.  Is it really necessary?
Pg. 66 - This family exchange seems awkward.

You're missing commas everywhere...it's like they're striking.  


I have nothing that you can read.
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