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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  Trapped - OWC
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  Author    Trapped - OWC  (currently 1473 views)
Don
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Trapped by Jerry Stroud - Short, Drama - When a college Frat Brat continues his weekend benders playing a drinking game called THUMPER, he finds himself faced with a Christmas Slut from Hell Warden who continually drowns him after each night of bingeing.  - pdf, format


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Don  -  March 8th, 2008, 3:55pm
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pwhitcroft
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
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There is some quite unpleasant stuff in this. More troubling than that is the fact that youíve probably put me off beer for a few days!

This is well worked, moves quickly and has a point. You get a real feeling of being caught in the out of control spiral. Itís also good that you donít go for an ending that somehow ends the cycle.

I think this would work better without the electrocution element. The floods make sense, they even have a very contemporary edge what with water boarding being so widely discussed.

Philip


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Zombie Sean
Posted: February 28th, 2008, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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This one was okay. I think what I liked most about it, though, was the overuse of the f-word in the descriptions. That kept a smile on my face while I was reading the whole thing.

This whole script is repetitive and got tiring after a while. I pretty much skipped over the dream sequences because I knew what was coming. Same with the thumping game business stuff. The only thing that changed was Butch either quitting or not quitting drinking. If he quit, nothing happened. If he didn't quit, he'd go through the same thing. So really, I don't see a point in this script, I guess. I don't know.

Sean


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BPeterson
Posted: February 29th, 2008, 3:11am Report to Moderator
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twisted stuff, this was an okay entry. i agree with sean about the repetition of the story. while it was interesting and well paced, it almost got a little redundant. I'd recommend losing some of the SOUNDS, they reinforce the repetition.

there was some cool ideas, good visuals and some good transitions as well.
this script is more of a shooting script then a spec script but there's a few unfilmable lines. The other parts of the action are really visual and moving then there comes a line that can't be seen. you should utilize your visual ability and SHOW us these things.
your writing is crude, while i like it and others will find the metaphors and profanity funny, it can alienate some readers/producers.
keep writing.
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MSnyder
Posted: February 29th, 2008, 7:56am Report to Moderator
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Very strange entry, and that's exactly what I like! You have a sort of Tarantino writing style in that you like to say F___ a lot, which I find amusing.

Nice Stuff!

-Michael K. Snyder
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: February 29th, 2008, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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Some we see's and chatty unfilmable elements in the descriptions, however, I didn't care cause it was fun. What happened to the not breathing tatooed Christmas chick? She was just an element in his dream within a dream? Maybe that should have been indicated as a dream sequence. I'm ready for a brewski now.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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cybercelt
Posted: March 2nd, 2008, 11:05am Report to Moderator
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  Didn't like it. Very hard read.
  I like the description to have some element of style but this crossed a line.
  
  Personal taste aside and shifting topic.
  What is being produced here, I'm under the impression, is something that will lead to something that someone will eventually have to read. Want to read. I can't see many readers making it through the first couple of pages and not putting it on the pass pile.
  
  I reread this and feel old. Like I should shut up, grab my walker and go back to the home. But, dagnabbit! I don't think I'm wrong here.
  Scruffy whippersnappers with their PC's and fermenting Software. Fermenting decent! Decent people can't even enjoy a beer, Script had beer, could sure use a cold one. where was I? Where are my keys? Did someone say Beer?
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