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The Office: The Break-In by Chris Marsh (EasyMac742) - Comedy - When the offices of Dunder Mifflin are broken into, the safety of the staff is jeopardized. Fearing that this vandalism is payback for everybody's past wrongdoings, Michael makes a plan to improve everyone's Karma. 30 pages. - pdf, format
I thought it was pretty good. You had the voices down, and there were some funny moments.
I'm not sure Ryan should be in there. I was trying to figure out where in the series this fell, I assumed it was after season 3 because Jim and Pam were together, at which point Ryan would have already moved on to that job in corporate (and later prison).
Also, I think you have too much going on. You have three separate stories here, and they don't really mesh.
1) There's a break in at the office. 2) Jim fools Dwight into believing they are being monitored. 3) Everyone in the office goes to the high school.
You can take each one individually and craft a story out of it, but together the logic begins to fall apart.
I like the break-in premise, and how it would unsettle the office atmosphere. This would definitely be the impetus for Michael to respond in some overblown manner. The paranoia over the office surveillance can be another separate storyline (or subplot), although I understand that Dwight might believe the break in was attempted so the office could be bugged. Likewise, I think the high school visit is promising, but it doesn't really fit into the break in plot. The karma device doesn't naturally lend itself to visiting the school to try and do good. I think it would play better for Michael to make amends to each person in the office (vis-a-vis My Name is Earl), and try to allay the fears he projects on them over the break in incident.
Oh well, those are just my thoughts. Again, nice job. Keep up the good work.
I liked this, thought it was funny and had the Office feel.
I disagree with John about Ryan, I expected him there. Ryan is from corporate and I would expect someone from corporate to be there for a break in. But we were missing the owners of the building, Dunder-Mifflin just rent the space. Minor detail, it was an afterthought.
I liked initial premise and the "My Name is Earl" list, you should've continued with that. The high school trip seemed a little random. Like John said, separate would've been good episodes but together seemed meshed.
Elaborate the break in scenario, Angela should be real upset about it, her posters being stolen. The situation with corporate being audited came up and was dropped as quickly as the break in was. Build it all up.
Maybe in the end, Creed confesses he broke in because he forgot something unimportant like his iPod. He ransacked the place and forgot it was in his car the whole time.
Why is a Raven like a writing desk? onus - Three men, three guns, no escape. (WIP) the Deal - What would you do for a million dollars?
After reading your take on it, I realize I misread Ryan's involvement after the break-in. I was picturing him still in his "temp" role, and that didn't make sense. But you're right that he could have been there from corporate, in which case it does make sense. Sorry about that.
And agreed about too many loose ends in this story. Creed is set up to appear to have something to do with the break-in, but just ends there without the payoff. And there could be more focus placed on the individual reactions to the break-in.