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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Dark Release Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 3rd, 2008, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dark Release by Justin Kremer - Short, Drama - An aging Sheriff in a small midwestern town must balance his professional and personal duties on the anniversary of his wife's death. 13 pages - pdf, format



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Pants
Posted: April 9th, 2008, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


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The story was okay. I thought your dialogue was well written, except that's now quite how people talk in the midwest. Ever been to Illinois before? There didn't seem to be much of a point to the whole story. How long ago did Brown's wife die? It seems recent. I think this should be a bit longer so you can describe more and build this story more. I think that would greatly improve your script.
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Dr. McPhearson
Posted: April 9th, 2008, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
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At Page 7, I like where you're taking this story, although I don't know if I buy the idea that Brown would buy a meal for his dead wife as well. Reminds me too much of John Cusack calling up his answering machine and leaving a voicemail to his dead wife in Grace Is Gone. You can only tug the heart strings so much before it becomes a tad hard to buy.

What I'm trying to understand is how Jacobs not dying, and his wife's anniversary have any correlation. Sure, this shows a scenario where the same tragedy doesn't happen twice, but I don't understand how any of that gives Brown closure. And if closure is so important that you named the entire script after it, I believe you need to tie in said theme somewhere along the plotline.

Also, why is Randy (he's the Mayor, is he?) putting Brown on a leave of absence? Surely Brown isn't being punished for Jacobs taking his spot in the raid.

Good script, but I don't see parallels like you apparently were hoping for. If this is a story about closure, then show us exactly what it is that gives him said relief. I think the parallels and plot correlations need some work.


PLEASE review my first SimplyScripts submission....

Re-Right (short comedy)
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