Runaway Girl by Christian - Short - Marie is a privileged girl who had the fortune of being born in a rich family, however that life is not enough for Marie.  Forced into an engagement without her consent, Marie runs away so she can be free despite her parents wishes to marry a rich, successful guy. 8 pages - fdr, format

This feels like a scene from The Graduate, did you just get done watching that movie? Ben and Elaine... 1967 Alfa Romeo...
I honestly didn't get the point from this story, maybe I missed something but it sure feels like a clip from something (Graduate) rather than a wholesome story...

pages 1 and 2...Ben and Elaine's conversation does not relate to the rest of the story; Ben is asking his wife if what they did in the previous night is best for their daughter, what did they do?

* He turns off the lamp and tries to sleep but can�t. *  How can we see he can't go to sleep if the lights are off?

I keep reading and I need to say it again that the first part of this story does not relate at all to the second part when the flashbacks begin. Ben is wondering if whatever they did to their daughter is for her best, but as it turns out they really didn't do anything. You tried to build up tension between Marie and her parents and between the parents themselves but you left many questions unanswered. Maybe you need to expand on this a bit more, maybe Marie is in love with someone else, maybe it's the guy who played Romeo in the play?

Also, in the first part Marie comes off as a rebel teen, coming home at 4:30 in the morning and slamming the car door shut. But later I got the impression that she is nothing but a hopeless romantic looking for true love...Bu the way how come she is dating Ryan but she doesn't love him and thinks he is a complete idiot? Her personality is inconsistent.

Page 4 * BACK TO MARIE, BEN, AND ELAINE * you really don't need this line. Marie didn't leave the kitchen and the scene is continuing and you also don't need to say Ben (V.O) because Ben is still with her in the kitchen as well...

INT. HALLS AND STAIRWELL -- LATER (FLASHBACK)
* A couple hours have passed. *  How do we know that?

* to which ELAINE nods blankly [dialog on separate document]. * what do you mean? what document?


* INT./EXT. ALFA ROMEO/FREEWAY -- DAY
The car, is moving speedily on the highway.  MARIE is driving while she listens to loud 1980�s rock music (may be the Rolling Stones or something like that), her hair flowing freely in the wind.  She is happy at last. *

You might as well do "Mrs Robinson"

Hey Christian.

There were many phrases that were oddly worded. For example:

She is finally awake and not in a good mood, a pretty woman in her early forties.

The "pretty woman in..." comment probably should have followed up right as you introduced her, rather than stapling it awkwardly to the end of a random sentence. Also weird wording:

We can see that they both had a rough night in their faces.  

I see what you're getting at, something along the lines of "We can tell by their faces that they had a rough night." However, the way that you wrote it on the page is a little clumsy, and needs some editing.

And, I'm sorry, but I don't buy the idea of an arranged marriage in the late 80s. Maybe that's just me, but I find that extremely unbelievable, also more so than this dialogue:

ELAINE
Sweetie, you have to change... No man will want to marry you if you keep acting like that--

MARIE
(cutting across her)
And who said that I wanted to get married?  

BEN
We have been through this already.  Ryan is a very nice guy, I?m sure you and him can be happy together.

MARIE
No we can?t.  He is a complete idiot. He is inconsiderate, conceited and -- and--

ELAINE
But think about it.  You?ll have a great life.

Am I to understand that the parents acknowledge Ryan's conceit? One moment Ben says that he's "a very nice guy," and the next Elaine is not refutting Marie's insults of him.

At the top of Page 4, you remind us repeatedly that Marie isn't listening to her parents. And though repetition is the key to absorption, I think the best way to say this is, "we heard you the first time." No need repeating it over and over again. It just takes up room on your page.

Bottom of page 5, you call Ryan "Marie's girlfriend," right before she pulls away from his kiss. I doubt that even the parents could force her to date him, so why is she?

The "princess, prince" scene is labelled FLASHBACK. When did that happen? Are you trying to make a note of parallel universes, or hinting at what already took place? If it sounds like I'm incredibly confused, it's because I am. This scene seems completely out-of-joint with the confrontation between Marie and her parents.

Also, decide what your focus is going to be. You start with the parents, but then follow Marie into her fantasies (and you end with her), while we never see Ben and Elaine again. Whose story is this going to be? Is this the story of two parents who want what's best for her daughter? Is this about a young girl forced into marriage? Or is this about a cocky guy who fancies a girl who hates him? Choose one. Don't try to fit too many subplots into one screenplay, especially a short one.

The ending is entirely unsatisfying. In 8 pages, we see a reckless girl who is practically being forced to marry a cocky sunuvagun... and after having a little flashback-fantasy whatchamacallit, she runs away from home? I have to say, this idea is definitely in need of some development.

This gets a HUGE rewrite suggestion from me. Fix this thing. (and pick a title that doesn't necessarily give away the ending straight away)    

I haven't read anyone else's responses so forgive me if I repeat anything, but I didn't want to ruin the story by reading these first.

Ok at the start of the script, you have commented that 'Ben is laid on the bed, thinking hard about something'. This you wouldn't be able to show  on film, so a simple line like, 'a frown is evident between his eyebrows' would tell the reader that he is thinking about something, and could also be shown on screen.

On page two you have a slug line that tells the reader they are in the kitchen, so there is no need to repeat it on the next line down.

'We can see that they both had a rough night in their faces', you couldn't see this on screen, a simple line like, 'bags under their eyes and tousled hair', reads much better and could be evident on screen.

'CLOSE ON ELAINE’S HANDS:
They are inpatient and nervous',
Again you can't see this on screen, something like 'she fidgets with them, rolling her rings and interlocking her fingers'. This would be evident on screen and shows her nervousness.
There are many times where you describe certain parts too much, but i'm not going to comment on them all. Maybe have a re read and take on my advice about over descriptive uses.

A few typos in the script but nothing major.

On page 5 you've put 'Not here' shouldn't this be Marie speaking?

The story line is not really that clear, I think it needs to be rewritten and extended, as the ending is really not an ending at all. There is no time to empathise with any characters, and this is a must in a good script, you need to understand the people you are reading about.

Another suggestion is that you maybe write short stories instead of short scripts as you seem to enjoy describing things, an aspect that really isn't needed in script writing. Sometimes less is more.