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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Be A Man Moderators: bert
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  Author    Be A Man  (currently 1329 views)
Don
Posted: August 31st, 2008, 7:51am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Be A Man by Fechete Cristian - Short, Comedy - Every man needs his private space. Every man needs a break. Every man needs to be a man sometimes. 6 pages - pdf, format


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: September 8th, 2008, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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Your title is really good. I think the question of what makes a man is an intriguing subject.

Then the first thing I find out is that your main character is just called ďThe Man.Ē This is about the fourth script I know of just within the last month or so with a pivotal character just called ďThe Man.Ē Itís not a good thing when a character important to the story isnít important enough to the writer to give some kind of name.

Okay, the toilet scene just seemed to come out of nowhere. Necessary? What did it have to do with anything?

Now the ending. It went the way of so many stories. Guy just goes crazy and starts slaughtering people.

The big problem here is that the main character is unlikable. Most everything is his own fault because he tolerates so much. The dog that pees on his leg for example. If he knows the dog pees on his leg, he should simply stop allowing the dog to do so. Being alone at the bar; itís his own fault. I mean, his situation, his unhappy life, is his own doing. So I had no real sympathy for him in the end.

I can accept a character whoís simply shy and put upon. Such characters elicit tremendous sympathy in films. But those characters usually head toward some sort of triumphant resolution. So we accept their shortcomings. Your character resolution basically undermined everything that happened prior. Iím left wondering if it was the intended direction when you started writing or the copout ending when you got tired of writing.

It didnít work for me. Sorry.


Breanne



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walford
Posted: September 10th, 2008, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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Fechete

The story didnít seem to be a comedy at all. Not even a black comedy.  

The man seemed to be suffering from depression. Its more likely he would have killed himself rather than anybody else. I agree with Breanne there was nothing much to like about the character at all.  Was there a reason for his state of mind, something that might put the story into context? Empty coffee containers, dogs peeing on his leg, was just not enough motivation to kill everybody.

Balls, that was what is missing. Explain why his balls had gone missing then we might be able to get into the character or understand what was going on.  The descriptions were good and it read well. Sorry just the story I didnít get. Cheers Walford
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cristianfechete
Posted: March 14th, 2012, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hi.
Just wanna say that this site rocks. Had a bunch of requests for rights on this script but ignored them all until the start of this year, cause I was too busy.. living. All but one. The script got produced, even if not in the exact form posted here. Please do NOT ask for production rights on it anymore. Thank you simplyscripts.


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IMDB link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7521287/?ref_=fn_al_nm_3
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