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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Helloween: Myers Vs. Pinhead Moderators: bert
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  Author    Helloween: Myers Vs. Pinhead  (currently 1486 views)
Don
Posted: August 31st, 2008, 7:52am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Helloween: Myers Vs. Pinhead by Mike (scifislasher) - Horror - no summary 70 pages - pdf, format


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slabstaa
Posted: October 13th, 2008, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
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Okie doke, first thing first: You don't need to write about a production logo. Your fan-fic is most likely not getting picked up so you should avoid stuff like that and save for more story/character development.

In the beginning - give these Nurses names. This way they aren't just another one of Michael's faceless victims.

Sara not taking the pill is pretty cliche. Maybe the nurse forces her to take it? Add some suspense here...would she be able to stay up so Michael won't get her? How long can she fight for?

Cut out the POV's in the first chase sequence. It's really interrupting everything. You also mention twice that Sara has stopped by the river.

OK, Montage time.

"Michael stabs his Judith, numerously, violently"

His Judith? Now for those who don't know the Halloween series too well, you should put in his sister Judith, to clarify things.

"Michael is being shot by the police, violently"

I don't believe you can get shot violently. I mean, the scene might be violent, but maybe a better choice of words would be: rapidly.

Try and cut the amount of times you use "Lament Configuration" in Pinhead's montage, because the more I see it the more it's reminding me of Midnight Run's "Litmus Configuration" scene. lol

Having John talk to a tombstone and explain a lot of things instead of showing any of it is kind of a cheap way of writing. And what kind of a van is John driving? Is it new? Old? A shit box with wheels? Tell us, this way we get a sense of the character's personality.

Once again on page 8 you're going overboard with POV's.

Instead of

"Tommy turns away from them, shifting his gaze to the
windshield. His gaze becomes suspicious.

TOMMY’S POV

The SHAPE stands beside a tree, gazing emotionless at
Tommy.

END POV

Tommy closes his eyes and opens them instantly.

TOMMY’S POV

The Shape is gone.

END POV"


Try something like this, which is short and sweet and saves you space:

"Tommy shifts his gaze to the windshield.

He sees The Shape standing beside a tree.

Tommy closes his eyes and opens them again: The Shape is gone."

However, as much as I am a fan of VS stories, this one needs a helluva lot of work. I would love nothing more than to continue reading this but it looks like you just hastily typed up something and didn't even bother to edit/go over it....there are a lot of obvious typos and errors that just scream out 'helloooo'. I mean they're desperately obvious. It doesn't look like you put the time and effort forth in something here and I don't want to read a script if it doesn't look like any type of effort was put forth.

Revision History (7 edits; 1 reasons shown)
slabstaa  -  October 13th, 2008, 9:39pm
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