Can't Sleep by Rhys Roscoe (rross) - Short, Mystery - David is worried about is life, he's looking for something to change it. Little does he know change is just around the corner, but how will he take it? 14 pages - doc, format

Hello Rhys,

I've just read your script and thought that it wasn't unique.  You need to fix some of your grammar, the spelling and in some cases you write here instead of hear or know instead of no.  So you will need to re-write your script and fix the errors.

SPOILERS.

I felt the characters of David & Hannah jumped back and fourth which seem odd.  At one moment Hannah is normal the next she's suicidal and wants to be killed.  David's personality changes stance too.  
As for the Young Lady character.  This has been done before.  The premise is good, but the conclusion seemed a little over-the-top.  Plus, the sirens appeared awfully quick.  

May I suggest a spooky idea.  Have the Young Lady dial for the cops to come on time.  I know she doesn't exist, but if you have the young lady not acknowledge Hannah.  This could screw with David's head even more.

If you re-write this script, I'll give it another go.

All the best.


Javier

Thanks for reading my script. Its a first try for me so its good to get other opinions. I'll re - write it and try to do the best i can with improving the grammar.

Just some questions in relation to your comments. I wanted my characters to be fairly indecisive about what they want in terms of their relationship and their own morality, so i guess their own attitudes change througout the script. I also wonder what you mean by the sirens appear awfully quickly, do you think the story boils over too fast? If so do you think i should hold back a little more? Thanks again for your comments.

Any other ideas to further imporve this would be much appreciated.

Hi Rhys,

The sirens appear after he thrashes a knife at Hannah.  Were the police lying in wait outside?  As for the attitudes, Hannah appears 'normal' then 'suicidal' then 'normal'.

I hope that makes my earlier thoughts clearer.

All the best.


Javier

oh ok. Hannah calls the police before their final confrontation, this is explained in the script. The fact that the police arrive on the time that David kills Hannah is totally coincidental.

like i said before, what i was trying to do was make both characters unsure of themselves. David hates his wife, its only after he discovers the young lady that he realises he has deadly thoughts about her, he's still unsure whether or not to kill her. In the end Hannah is sort of the same, she hates him but she doesn't realise how much, when she finds out that David is contemplating on killing her she's shocked but tries to diffuse the situation. After recognizing things aren't going to change the only way for her to "get back" at him is for her to sacrafice herself so that David in away is in a worse place than he already is (which is ironic because he thought killing her would solve all of his problems).

This is what i'm trying to get at. I'll re -write it to try and make it clearer. Having said that i want to leave enough open for the reader (or if i decide to make it into a short, the viewer) to make their own judgements, i don't want to wrap things up in a little package.

I would love more comments from anyone.