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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC- Invasion
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  Author    OWC- Invasion  (currently 1188 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Invasion by Joe Garza - Short, Young Adult, Horror - Two kids out trick-or-treating start running into dead people and then they run into things making the dead bodies. They have to fight their way home by themselves because no one believes them. - pdf, format


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Don  -  October 31st, 2008, 8:44am
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MBCgirl
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one...the humerous, natural "pestering" communication between  an older brother/younger sister worked well.

Horror "spoof" with a twist...the tale ends with the samde back and forth dialogue as the beginning.

For a fun read...this was the one.

~m~


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walford
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
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A mini war of the worlds. Some good dialogue between the main characters makes them both believable and enjoyable.  But they were too good and too nice. For me the threats (aliens) were not strong enough to present real danger.  Almost a cartoon style of disbelieve.  walford
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2008, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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This is very well done!  A bit over the top on the humor, but still well done.

The dialogue between the brother and sister is great, but again, a little over the top in the end.  I personally don't like horor spoofs or horror comedies, but this one worked.  I'd prefer it to be a little toned down though.

I think you hit on all the requirements as well, and there are very few that have even tried in here.

Good work!  Easily top 5, if not higher.


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mcornetto
Posted: October 22nd, 2008, 3:18am Report to Moderator
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I'm going to have the be the naysayer here because this didn't really work for me.  Sorry.  

For the most part it was well written and you met the challenge but the silly bickering between the two kids really got on my nerves.  While this might be what you wanted to represent, it hurt the likability of the characters and my enjoyment of the script.
And that isn't to say you didn't get a chuckle out of me once or twice because you did.

Also, I found the kid with the shotgun at the end to be a bit much.  

I did like that you used the word 'ichor' though.  


  
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GM
Posted: October 22nd, 2008, 10:02am Report to Moderator
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As Michael,

Didn't find it much scary. It's more comedy especially having the alien pissing. The kid with the shotgun is too much.

What i did like was the dialgoue. For me, it showed character to these children.

Mr.R
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bobtheballa
Posted: October 22nd, 2008, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
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I have to agree with mcornetto on this one, the dialogue between the two kids was entertaining and believable for the first few pages but eventually it got to be annoying. At the part where Tristan corrects his sister's grammar and again with the reptile dysfunction, it honestly felt too unnatural and almost like the writer was trying to be funny rather than two kids bickering.

I did enjoy the brother-sister dynamic though, a refreshing change from most of the other protagonists in this competition. It was certainly an enjoyable read, but the moments I highlighted earlier took me out of the script's world and ultimately turned this into a comedy rather than a horror script. It didn't completely fit the challenge but it was still a good script that only has a few minor technical or grammatical things to fix. Well done.

EDIT: Also forgot to mention the shotgun at the end. This was another of those unbelievable moments, with the kid somehow owning and knowing how to use a shotgun, despite nothing earlier in the script hinting at this. It felt like a cheap way out, though it may have been due to the page limit.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 22nd, 2008, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't feel like this started off with a bang... Get it? LOL- firecrackers? Bang? But seriously, I really felt it pick right up as we moved along. The Humanoid description was excellent even if it was long-- at least that's what I thought.

Why did Katie say, "Shoes!"?

I loved some of your dialogue between Tristan and Katie. It was funny and entertaining!

I would lose the dialogue where Mom says, "Kiss your sister, children." That part didn't sound real at all. At least not today. If it was "A Wonderful Life" with James Stewart, I could see it. They seemed to talk like that a lot back then.

I loved it when Tristan says, "I knew you wouldn't believe us." And I was thinking: Yeah! I did too! Go figure! I just feel like you were having a good time writing this in parts and it is coming through.

I think you're pretty much right on for the genre. I'd maybe tame it down from sizzling people and make the aliens turn people into animals or something.

To me, your work with Tristan and Katie was the fun part of this.

Good job!



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.

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Sandra Elstree.  -  October 22nd, 2008, 7:47pm
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Cazale
Posted: October 23rd, 2008, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this a lot.  The characters were well rounded and their banter back and forth was funny.  Toward the end the dialoge got a little wierd.  It seemed more awkward.  Like them arguing over who's going to clean up the mess when there's still more murdering aliens running around town.  I would think there'd be more shock and fear still in them.  

Overall though this is the best I've read so far.


--Jessie

"Life is short, Art is long"
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Abe from LA
Posted: October 24th, 2008, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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The writing was very good, the story less good.
I thought the story line was a bit all over the place; a lot of action, some back-and-forth smart-talk when there shouldn't be, aliens on the loose and halloween to boot.  This story could use streamlining, as it seemed to be written on the fly.
Utilize some elements better:
•   An invasion on Halloween.  So the invaders should use this to their advantage.  Why not have alien helmets that look like Jack-o-Lantern heads.  Have them out trick or treating, going door to door.
Or,  have their crashed space crafts look like haunted houses.  Luring the little kids to their doom.
•    M-80s and exploding pumpkins should be how you end the story.  Forget the shotgun at the end.  Use the M-80 idea to blow off the aliens' heads.
•    When Tristan and Katie enter the so-called haunted house at one point, maybe the TV is playing Orson Welle's War of the Worlds in the B.G.
•    How about having one of Tristan's buds come running up, full of fear, warning of the invasion.  Then go scurrying off in terror.  We have been Warned.
•    Set up your ticking clock early.  If we know that the Aliens are posing as trick-o-treaters (yeah, 8-feet-over-the-top trick or treaters), let that be their MO.  They zap people when they come to the door with candy.  Their plan should be clear to us.
By the story's end, T and K will know it's only a matter of time before the aliens reach their house...   and MOM.
You want over the top?  have the kids drive the police car in break-neck speed to get home and save mum.

Your characters have personality and speak kid-ease OK, so I know you have writing chops.  This story is above average for a OWC, but it needs at least another go-through to get the story to work.  
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The boy who could fly
Posted: October 24th, 2008, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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I though thi one was pretty neat, it had a mars attacks feel to it with the town folk getting zapped into skeletons.  The banter between the two kids was cute at first but got old pretty quick.  This fit the challenge well and it was an easy read so good work.


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rshanneman
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This story really didn't do a whole lot for me.  The dialogue was pretty entertaining at first, but sometimes they said things that didn't make sense to me, like Katie saying "Shoes" randomly.  That pulled me out of the story.  Like Abe from LA said, the aliens should have a plan and we should know it so we know the danger.  And then the kids would have a reason to rush home.  And having Tristan use a M80 at the end to kill the alien would definitely round out the story.  But other than that I found it pretty enjoyable.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: November 15th, 2008, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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I couldn't finish this script because I couldn't take any more of the bad dialogue (not to mention, very annoying) between the siblings and just everyone else who decided to pop up out of nowhere. I stopped just shortly after the cop asked Tristan if he was high on drugs or drunk. Seriously? Even if this is a comedy, you still need to make some of it believable.

Sean


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