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I agree with Pia. This was a good script. I felt Buddy's anxiety while he was on stage. I also agree with her that the ending needs a little more punch to it. It just kinda trailed off.
Of course, I liked this one too. Tex is a jackass.
As for a suggestion...
Well, Tex was upset about the improper touching song Buddy sang. Maybe Buddy could say something funny at the end, accusing Tex of an improper touch. ??? Or sing it again. ???
Just a thought.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
When your opening slug reads "INT. HA HA HOUSE", you got me hooked right away. Brilliant.
"It’s not improper touching if it’s family!" Goddamn!
I think you did a good job of setting everything up all around; Buddy, Tex, the club, the original set. I like how Buddy adapts to the crowd and the situation, and the songs were pretty damn funny.
The end however sort of...fizzled out I think. I was waiting for a much bigger punchline, well, actually just a punchline. This just doesn't feel right. Something is missing here for it to work all the way through.
Solidly written though.
Cheers Rob
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
Does anyone agree disagree that another impromptu song might work? Something where Buddy digs into Tex, perhaps?
No, that is not what this needs.
Aside from the petered-out ending, the character of Bob is kind of weak here. The owner of the club should have more presence. At least give him a cigar or something. And perhaps the very last word of the logline gives too much away -- you could do without that if you wanted to -- hold a little more back.
I am not sure what to do about the end. Perhaps something involving children that recognize him from a previous gig?
Maybe Bob has kids that have seen Buddy at a party -- they just happen to be there tonight and this "new act" kind of blows their little minds?
Personally, I didn’t see Tex as all that major of a character. For me, it was more about Buddy, his act, and the audience.
I think you should concentrate more on how Buddy wins over the audience. More of the heckler and that type of interaction. Everyone loves to see a performer cleverly handle a heckler. The part where the heckler says he wears Velcro and Buddy responds with, “Maybe my song will help you become a big boy,” is terrific. I think that’s the type of stuff you need more of. More parts where Buddy’s children’s show peculiarly seems to work despite the situation. To me, the audience interaction seemed to become more generic after that point.
As far as the ending, I think it could be fixed simply by adding on a scene later where Buddy is introduced to an audience that full well knows who he is and is excited about his show. This guy who was a mediocre children’s entertainer at best is somehow transformed into a hot performer with adults even though he really isn’t performing all that differently.
My opinion anyway. I saw spots of genuine inspiration and spots that seemed forced and uninspired. Maybe a more Woody Allen approach would work here. Just some thoughts.