Hello Josh. I thought I would give this one a read, as I'm in a script reading mood.
I'll write a few points and ideas as I go...
- Why would the bus driver say this to him? "Get in if you’re getting. Downtown local." We find out soon after that Jack catches this bus often, so I think there is no need for that.
- I cannot see any time passing while he is on the bus. Is he on it for 20 seconds?
- From this line "The DRIVER of the Lincoln enters the lobby" How do we know that he is the driver? I think you should have one line before saying how the car pulls up at the YMCA and the driver gets out. Then later, you can have the driver enter the lobby.
- Having MEN’S SHELTER then SHELTER straight after? Why?
- All we know about the person that has died is his last name is Goodman. On page 6 you tell us that it is from his uncle. How will you show that his uncle died on screen?
- Would Jack's brother really say "You gonna start whacking off to that thing?" if his uncle just died?
- Pizza guys line... very funny! I think it would sound good if the guy was Japanese or something with that accent. I'm not being racist in the slightest, I just think his line would work well with an accent like that.
- The cop talking into the phone... too long without breaks in between the dialogue. The same can be said about the lawyers lines before to Jack. Too long. Even if you added a small action in between by one of the characters it would split it up.
- I just realised that Jack hasn't said anything yet. Is there a reason for this?
Okay well that's all I'm going to read (up to pg 14) because I'm gonna make lunch. I might read some more later, but this hasn't really grabbed me and make me want to finish it. Overall the action is great, and there are no problems that I see with the format. Good, natural dialogue mostly, and a few funny bits.
I hope I have helped in some way.