Dead Sunday by Steven Fletcherson (goregore84) - Short, Horror - An old man's usual Sunday walk, turns into the unusual.  10 pages - pdf, format

Thanks don for posting this, and to all whom check it out.

Seem like an important story for you to tell... Almost as if it is a personal piece of some sort, I dunno?? Maybe it's the name of the main and your own. Anyways, what you have here, at times, is a screenplay of your thoughts as you write in very quick descriptions. They're fine, they get the point across, theyd do... but often times they seem incomplete aswell.

I'd work on them a bit more. Make sure they convey a bit more of a complete thought.

Your dialogue is workable, at times. Again, it also seemed a bit hit and miss, tho.

The ending seemed a bit more right on with the tone of your story and it really seems as if you've written this piece as closure to something in your life, but have wrapped it up with slight horror tones and elements to seperate yourself from it.  

It's not bad. I think it works, but at only 10 pages and some wonkey dialogue and story pacing it could be better had it been longer and more fleshed out.  To me, I got elements of "Creepshow" "House" and other horror movies I've seen over the years rolled up into a "notebook" like vibe.

In the end I could be wrong about this being a personal piece, and do appologize if I am. I'd be willing to read more of your work should you produce anything more than 10 pages let me know, man.

No, its not a personal piece, baltis. How I got the idea was from an short story.

SPOILER............................................................

The original story was about a woman named, Ida(The name of the dead wife in my version). She awoke one morning, from hearing church bells thinking she had slept too late for her Sunday service. Once she arrived at the church, and seated her self in the back. She begin to notice those around her looked familiar. Then it came to her, she knew all these people because they had all died.

Someone she knew waked up to her, warning her to leave. She rushed out with the undead chasing after her. At a cemetery her hat, and coat where ripped away from her. Later that day someone had stopped by to see if she was fine. Bringing the ripped items that they had found earlier.

I felt that there wouldn't be a way to use a church, so I wrote that part out. I had plans to one day produce the script for a short film. I had thought of showing how depressed the old man was about his wife's death. As for the horror tone, no I just wanted to bump it up from what was in the orig story. I love zombies, i guess that's the reason that they(zombies) weren't just plain clothed. As for creepshow, that's my favorite horror movie. Notebook, not sure not into that type of movie. I still can guess what you mean by that.

Thanks for the read

I think your personal love for zombies overwhelmed what could have been a very powerful short. This was like two shorts overlayed on one another. One was a serious attempt at summing up how alone and isolated an old man felt since the death of his wife. This was the story I wanted to see developed. The other was gratuitous zombie overlay, which to be frank meant neither had credibility and neither tread whole by itself or as a cohesive whole. If you worked solely on the old man and his story I'd love to give it another read and see where it goes. There were a few typos through out the script, but I'm sure you're aware of those yourself

Zombies were a big part of the original story, so I won't be taking them out. I know that my version is different. I think this draft doesn't show how depressed he is, which I had thought about changing. I think if i showed that the zombies meant something to him(other then his wife and the football player), then you would have seen they needed to be in the story.

Thanks badbaz for the read

Steven, is this based on a short story or something? Is that what the extra title was on your title page? It should probably say "Based on the Short Story" or something to that effect.

p.1 Are there no windows in the room? Usually a room would not be pitch black at dawn. Plus a little bit of sunlight is a good way to show it is dawn without having to show a clock.

"Shelve" isn't a word. "Shelf" or "shelves", singular in this case.

How does Sal know the hands have stopped? Clock hands move very slowly. Maybe give an unrealistic time to show the clock doesn't work.

There are a lot of errors in your writing. For example (p.1):

Quoted from text Picks pill bottle up and notices it's empty. He then picks up the remote, and tries to turn on the tv, Nothing.

Should be:

"Sal picks up the pill bottle and shakes it. Empty. He picks up the remote, points it at the TV and clicks. Nothing."

Or something like that. Pay attention to punctuation and grammatical errors, a script full of them is hard to read.

Dawn seems to last a long time in this script, after the first one or two it should just say day or maybe morning.

The story was good. An old man revisiting his loved ones from times past. I don't think they even needed to be zombies, maybe just spirits from his past. He didn't seem too frightened of the zombies like most people would be anyway.

Not bad overall, just go over it again looking for spelling and grammatical errors to tighten it up.

James

I figured the title of what it's based on, and who wrote it(under my credit) cleared it up on the title page? Yeah i could have it be morning halfway into the script, i agree on that point. Might  go with spirits in zombie form from his past.


As for him not being scared, yeah I think i should have shown he was a little.

Thanks for the read, it helps for sure.

I read through the comments and when I saw that it had zombies in it, I just had to read it. Unfortunately, though, talking zombies ain't my thang. Return of the Living Dead zombies...Yeah, they talked, and I liked it, but only because it was to a certain extent...The word "brains." This one, they used pretty much complete sentences...So they're more like spirits in zombie form, as others have put it.

The beginning went on and on and on and I started to get tired with it. Your descriptions were weird, too, as you were missing words that should have been there (James pointed out an example). Is English not your first language? If it isn't, then I can understand. But if it is your native language, please read over your script and pick out as many errors as you can.

The dialogue really didn't work for me. I can deal with it in the dream...Wait, was it a dream? Was he sleep walking? The questions aren't answered. Did he really have a heart attack? What had happened? You really can't just leave us hanging like this at the end of the script. Any way, back to the dialogue....I can deal with it in the dream because dreams are incomprehensible and things don't have to make sense in them, and stuff can be unrealistic in them. But when it comes to the hospital scene, the dialogue still didn't seem natural. Plus, questions were unanswered...Wait, I already said that.

I've read the short story you based this off of, but when you write a script that's an adaptation of a novel or short story or comic book or whatever, you have to flesh it out a lot more, but keep similarities in it so people can be like, "Oh hey! That was in the book" or whatever. When I read this, the only similarity I saw were the church bells on a Sunday morning. That's it. The rest I wouldn't have caught. Instead of a woman late for church, you chose a man who was visiting his dead wife. She noticed the dead people at church, while he noticed them on his walk to the cemetery. She was chased out of the church and into the cemetery where she had her clothes ripped off, whereas he was confronted by his dead wife and had a heart attack...Or something. There are little similarities to the point where it could be your idea. So you might as well keep it as your idea. And I'm with James here, since you did base this story on the short story, at least put "Based on the Short Story "One Sunday Morning" by Alvin Schwartz, because the way you have it, people won't know what you're talking about.


Hope this helps.

Sean

Alvin Schwartz... Ain't that the dude who wrote all those kids' ghost stories in the 90s? This an adaptation? Just curious. Doesn't change my review.

First off, what I liked. Zombies. Usually fun. Lose the radio talking about the living dead. Should at least be a little surprised. Talking zombies are cool, I think. There's a lot more emphasis on the eating and less on being dead nowadays so I think there's a certain creepiness to Sal having a regular conversation with a dead guy. His encounter with his wife also has a certain unsettling feel. I do think Sal's something of a passive character though. He just kinda runs into things. It should be his choices that lead him to where he ends up.

Speaking of ends up, the ending sucks. Sorry. The whole "it was just a dream" thing is bad enough but the whole dialogue with the doctor is painfully on the nose. I'm not sure it really goes any place either. I think it'd be better (and creepier, with a touch of melancholy) if the script just ended with Sal dropping dead. It'd be refreshing to have the protagonist join the undead without getting munched. Not something you see much of nowadays.

So decent story, some fun/interesting moments, crap ending. The writing seems pretty good, overall. Don't know what else to say. Needs tweaking. That's about it. Hope this helps.

Alvin Schwartz... Ain't that the dude who wrote all those kids' ghost stories in the 90s? Yes, scary stories.

The whole "it was just a dream" thing is bad enough but the whole dialogue with the doctor is painfully on the nose. I'm not sure it really goes any place either.
It's not a dream, James. Sal was off his medication, and what he had seen was the result of that. As for the dialogue with the doc, well I suppose I could have shown earlier on why he was seeing the zombies.
The ending, yeah I wasn't sure about it.
It'd be refreshing to have the protagonist join the undead without getting munched. Not something you see much of nowadays.
You know that was an idea I had earlier on, but wrote what you read and didn't like. Which is fine because you gave valid points.  

So decent story, some fun/interesting moments, cr** ending. The writing seems pretty good, overall. Don't know what else to say. Needs tweaking. That's about it. Hope this helps. Well, James I'm a fan of your writing(Sneak peek & ghoulish Goulash), and thanks for reading.

Hey Steve,
Right from the start of your script the formatting and minor errors like forgetting to capitalize "sal" hurt your story. Don't forget to capitalize characters names in your dialogue. Even though there are a lot of errors, you still have a good story, and your story telling skills are really strong.
The action lines read kind of clunky, nothing some practice and experience won't fix over time.  No matter how great your story is, the formatting and easily fixed problems with your clunky action dialogue take away from what you're trying to say. Look forward to reading more of your work.
Nate

Thanks Nate, for the read. PROGRESS NOTE: I'm slowly working on draft #3, (draft #2 was what you all read.) I believe this next draft will be around 30 pages or so. One thing, no zombies in the draft I'm working on currently. Again thanks to all whom have read the current draft.

Quoted from GoreGore84 One thing, no zombies in the draft I'm working on currently.

So no zombies whatsoever? Or just people who are dead but don't exactly want to eat brains?


Sean

So no zombies whatsoever? Or just people who are dead but don't exactly want to eat brains?

The latter, sean

I've always wanted to write a balls out zombie feature, but to be honest I just never have really thought of a good story. Only that it would be an actual zombie movie, not an infection type movie(ex: 28 days later). I'm a big fan of the zombie sub genre such as Fulci's zombi and Romero's day of the dead to name a few.

Back to Dead Sunday, it's loosely based of  "One Sunday Morning". Details such as the dead wife's name Ida (In my version), she's the main character in the original short. The last name of the main in my story is the name of the author who wrote the short. Sunday is still in the title, as it was present in the original.