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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Connected Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 22nd, 2009, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Connected: Pilot by Steven Ziegler - Series - Domenic DeFranco is a 21-year-old bookie taking a plunge into the underworld. He is about to find out what this life is really made of and how the people around him impact it.  31 pages - pdf, format


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Ophelia
Posted: October 16th, 2009, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting idea for a show, could be pretty good as long as it doesnt just become a younger version of sopranos.
Few issues:
'silver cross around his neck over his black tshirt.'  kind of a lot of descriptions.  This is also an overly thick paragraph.
nice scene with him and the priest.
Wierd segway to the Kitchen at the party scene.
p6 you're friend should be your
He has a hammer in his pocket?  maybe its on a table or something
The religion gets a little heavy by the end.  I'm all for him being religious, but with a pilot you want every second to be establishing something new, or drawing people in.  And the first scene already did that much better.
Also if the idea of the series is a young guy getting drawn into the bad side, it might be nice if there was something holding him back a little.  Like maybe despite his connections his parents are good people, non criminals.  

Overall I think you need to tighten this down, make it a little more intense.  There's a lot of pages for not too much happening.  Basically a party going on, and putting a hammer in a guys leg.  And the confession at the beginning.  
Everything else reads as filler.  But those couple scenes are very good.  After the hammer scene it loses any real pace, right until the final reveal.  

Good luck with it, be curious to hear what kind of plot arc you're thinking of


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jackx
Posted: October 17th, 2009, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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I've gotta agree with most of what ophelia said.  
The domenic character is good, kind of a third generation greaseball.  Also his two buddies are fun, plenty of potential there.
The girlfriends a little iffy, not sure how long that could play out before it blows up.
I think the relationship between Dom and Richie is a little ambiguous on screen.  Richie is supposed to be the experienced older one, then hes shaking and nervous.  Is he Doms boss, why does it take that many guys to run a bookie operation?  So is Dom just a runner then?  This isnt too bad, I think it could just be a little clarified what their roles are.
I also definately agree that there's a bit of filler, other than the three scenes ophelia mentioned everything else doesn't add up to much.  If you want to use a buncha time to show them just interacting, that should be before the clomax of the party and fight.  This reads like the end of one episode, then the beginning of the next one.  

That said the characters are engaging and will be interesting, just need to work on the structure of the episode to keep us engaged.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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