SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 18th, 2019, 7:29pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Connected Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Connected  (currently 1154 views)
Posted: September 22nd, 2009, 9:13pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Connected: Pilot by Steven Ziegler - Series - Domenic DeFranco is a 21-year-old bookie taking a plunge into the underworld. He is about to find out what this life is really made of and how the people around him impact it.  31 pages - pdf, format

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Site Private Message
Posted: October 16th, 2009, 8:24pm Report to Moderator

by the cactus
Posts Per Day
Interesting idea for a show, could be pretty good as long as it doesnt just become a younger version of sopranos.
Few issues:
'silver cross around his neck over his black tshirt.'  kind of a lot of descriptions.  This is also an overly thick paragraph.
nice scene with him and the priest.
Wierd segway to the Kitchen at the party scene.
p6 you're friend should be your
He has a hammer in his pocket?  maybe its on a table or something
The religion gets a little heavy by the end.  I'm all for him being religious, but with a pilot you want every second to be establishing something new, or drawing people in.  And the first scene already did that much better.
Also if the idea of the series is a young guy getting drawn into the bad side, it might be nice if there was something holding him back a little.  Like maybe despite his connections his parents are good people, non criminals.  

Overall I think you need to tighten this down, make it a little more intense.  There's a lot of pages for not too much happening.  Basically a party going on, and putting a hammer in a guys leg.  And the confession at the beginning.  
Everything else reads as filler.  But those couple scenes are very good.  After the hammer scene it loses any real pace, right until the final reveal.  

Good luck with it, be curious to hear what kind of plot arc you're thinking of

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
Posted: October 17th, 2009, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Tucson, AZ
Posts Per Day
I've gotta agree with most of what ophelia said.  
The domenic character is good, kind of a third generation greaseball.  Also his two buddies are fun, plenty of potential there.
The girlfriends a little iffy, not sure how long that could play out before it blows up.
I think the relationship between Dom and Richie is a little ambiguous on screen.  Richie is supposed to be the experienced older one, then hes shaking and nervous.  Is he Doms boss, why does it take that many guys to run a bookie operation?  So is Dom just a runner then?  This isnt too bad, I think it could just be a little clarified what their roles are.
I also definately agree that there's a bit of filler, other than the three scenes ophelia mentioned everything else doesn't add up to much.  If you want to use a buncha time to show them just interacting, that should be before the clomax of the party and fight.  This reads like the end of one episode, then the beginning of the next one.  

That said the characters are engaging and will be interesting, just need to work on the structure of the episode to keep us engaged.

            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Series  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006