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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Here in my Gethsemane Moderators: bert
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  Author    Here in my Gethsemane  (currently 1161 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2009, 9:17am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Here in my Gethsemane by Guy Macher - Drama - Kiffen Yates, the legendary World War One pilot, crashes into a chapel in southwestern Ontario in 1919.  Drama, romance, murder and mystery ensue in Here in my Gethsemane. - pdf, format



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  October 25th, 2009, 2:16pm
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Lightfoot
Posted: November 2nd, 2009, 2:45am Report to Moderator
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You should cut the title of the script from the logline.

There are a few erros within the first couple of pages. The first thing would be the cover page, you don't  put Screenplay in with the title of the script. Just have the title by itself. The "crash" can definitely be cut seeing how it's pointless where it is. Your scene headings are slightly wrong too, you need a period then dash(s), depending on the type of scene heading needed, For example your first scene heading should be....

EXT. BIPLANE - DAY

You can show us it's above the field by the action that follows. For Example

The rusty yellow biplane streaks through the wide open sky with ease. Below, golden fields of wheat stretch out to the horizon.

V.O stands for "voice-over" and it's, I believe, only meant for characters. There are ways of incoporating music in with the script, but at the moment I can't think of them.

Now on the the huge chunk of action you have, first things first, it's too damn long, action is usually restricted to a max of 4 lines, anything over that can cause a reader to wonder if he/she should continue. I suggest you get rid of this and other chunks of action you have by either trimming them down or chopping them up. You can cut the two last lines completely and split up the remaining sentences after "landing strip" Theres a guidline for writing action, one paragraph per beat.

I wouldn't worry about that we see/we hear stuff, just focus on telling the story, we can see and hear whatever you write down. With that said you don't have to capitalize all sounds, but that's a personal choice.

When describing a place with action like the second scene (INT. CHAPEL - DAY) you don't need to describe every tiny detail about the place, you only really need to describe the things that are relevant to the scene or the story.

(things you can cut)

The simple stool
Two windows
notice for village fair (unless important to story)
black hat (unless important for character)

You have already given the pilot a name, so why refer to him as pilot?  

One man pulling and entire biplane out of a lake and onto a beach is something I can't get my head around. How was he able to swim it to the surface?

"She offers his hat and coat." should be her

"and places in Jeremiahís Bible" missing "it"

I suggest you call him Kiffen, don't give people nick names or change them like this, it can get confusing for the reader.

No, this is... (she motions hopelessness with her hands)...don't end dialogue with a wryly

A wryly has it's own line...

                    KIFFEN
  Sorry.
       (beat)
  Iím Kiffen Yates.

Be better to replace the passive "beat" with something more active like (salutes smartly), (bows) (stands proudly) endless amount choices.

"Kiff, sit down. Itís ready." What's ready?

When did he get food?

So far I'm on page 11...

The whole story, to me, seems to touch of way too early, the first page, first scene to be exact, The catalyst ( Catalyst: An event that causes a change in the protagonists life) in the script is when Kiffen crashes his plane, should be around page 10. This is so we get to know a little bit about the main character. I only know that Kiffen is a pilot, that's all, and from the looks of thing it seems like he's going to be a pretty flat character, meaning that he has no need or flaw or personality, but this is just an assumption.

I'll get back to this, but I want to know if your around first.\



Andrew,


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Lightfoot  -  November 2nd, 2009, 2:21pm
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c m hall
Posted: December 6th, 2009, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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This script held my attention, completely.
My favorite line is about the bible seeming to cough out a page, that's terrific.

The shadow of death that hangs over the community from early on hasn't destroyed it, if the Reverend's strength (as it were) is what's holding the town together, you might need to emphasize the weird factor;make the crops, animals unhealthy or something.

All along I felt like the things that the characters endured, although dreadful, were not unnatural.  

The Rev. pulling the plane out of the water is strange, but it seems to be strange in a good way, and the pilot is relatively unhurt, that seems strange in a good way, too.

It's just my prejudice, but I like some remnant of a happy ending.

Or, at least, a less stark ending -- something, something with Toby or Finn or something that reaffirms life (fishing, building, something that will draw the child back to the functioning community) could happen.

Maybe that's not realistic but you've taken an awful lot away from the audience - but that just shows that the characters and the dialogue brought about an emotional response, after all, so, well done.
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rendevous
Posted: December 6th, 2009, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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You about Guy? I've had a read of this but I ain't commenting unless you're posting.


Out Of Character - updated


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