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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Jimmie Goes To New York... Moderators: bert
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  Author    Jimmie Goes To New York...   (currently 1250 views)
Don
Posted: October 25th, 2009, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Jimmie Goes To New York... Almost Based Off A True Story by David A. Hodge (calyastro) - Comedy - From a father to a son, from life to death, and back again. 95 pages - doc, format


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personnumber123864
Posted: November 12th, 2009, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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you lost me at 'cave juice'.

good move reformatting the dialogue to single space and lowering the page count, though. should get you more reads than it would have before.

might be a good script just too raunchy for me.

best of luck with it.
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calyastro@hotmail.com
Posted: November 12th, 2009, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, I was thinking I would lose people around the sex shop.  To bad I lost you on the first page.
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personnumber123864
Posted: November 12th, 2009, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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i actually read farther than that but it was an uphill climb after the first page.

got anything else on here that's more pg? or at least a bit more mild? the writing seemed decent it was just the content.
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calyastro@hotmail.com
Posted: November 29th, 2009, 7:15am Report to Moderator
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Ages: The Animated Series and Supernatural: Book of the Dead.  Both of them are written for television.
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Trojan
Posted: November 29th, 2009, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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I'll be honest with you, there are a lot of problems here in this script. I gave up after a few pages because it is just too much work. First off though I'd suggest you fix your logline, as it says nothing about your story. Imagine you were having a meeting with a producer and he was interested in hearing about your script, so he asks you what it is about. And you reply 'From a father to a son, from life to death, and back again.' That gives absolutely no clue as to who or what your story is about. You should be telling us about who the story is about and what they are trying to achieve.

Your writing is awkward and clumsy. First paragraph. Snow lightly drops from the sky covering the streets. Is the snow covering the streets or the sky? Then you have 'A moving truck is across the street from DIMITRI EVPRAKSIYA’s Compound.' We don't know who this person is so you don't need to include it, just say a compound and leave it at that. Just write what we see. You also don't need to CAP a person's name in this instance because we are not seeing them on the screen, we are not being introduced to them. That's why you can just leave it out.

However in the next paragraph you do introduce us to a character and you have not capped his name. 'F.B.I. Agent Manny Vickers is checking on the cameras slowly going to sleep, waiting for his shift to end.' Is he slowly going to sleep or are the cameras going to sleep? This is what I mean about your writing being awkward. You need to learn how to phrase things so what you mean is being communicated clearly.

I agree about the cave juice thing. They are supposed to be FBI agents, it doesn't seem realistic that an educated woman in the FBI would be speaking like this.

Then you have this
EXT. THE EVPRAKSIYA COMPUND

'While the two F.B.I. Agents talk out there issues a white van drives down the street...'

Besides using 'there' instead of 'their', we don't see the FBI agents talking here so why write it? Just write what we see and you will keep the story flowing and moving quickly.

You have some typos as well that I noticed in the first few pages eg. quite instead of quiet.

A lot of your slugs are wrong. They don't have any indication of whether it is day or night or later or whatever you are going for. This is a must have in your script.

Reading on, there is just so many mistakes it is unreadable for me. I don't know what's happening and it is just too much effort. A lot of your problems could be helped if you got yourself a software program that will format your script properly. I see you have registered it with the WGA but unless you format your work properly then it would never get read anyway.

Also you need to cut down on some of your long blocks of text. You have a description in there in the first few pages that is 13 lines! It is generally recommended to not go over four so you really need to do some trimming and learn to just get to the nuts and bolts of what you need to say.

Sorry I can't be more positive but this needs a lot of work before I could attempt to finish reading it. Read some other scripts and keep writing and you'll soon improve.

Cheers,
Tim.



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calyastro@hotmail.com
Posted: November 29th, 2009, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks.
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