Reunion at Salem High by Jason Earle Helgerson (TattooGigolo) - Short, Comedy - Oh Lord, reunions can be brutal. 10 pages - pdf, format

I had fun with this one. I was just goofing off remembering my bible studies as a kid. I can see how it wouldn't be for everyone... the references are pretty "out there".

I'll explain 'em all if anyone wants me to.

TG,

I can appreciate what you were trying to do here.   For me, some parts were good and some parts not so good.  I'm not gonna get into the what's and why's.  Just wanted to acknowledge that I read it and got a chuckle or two.  I liked your actual writing style.  I just think the story itself needs some refining.  But what doesn't.  

Again, well done.

Okay, so I thought the script was well written but not very funny. The parts that were funny were your sarcastic remarks in the action blocks. Also, that cop comes pretty fast. Judd leaves to make a call and in the next page the cop arrives. Pot brownies also take a bit of time to kick in. Where do the brownies even come from? Did he have them when he came in? Did he make the brownies for the reunion or did he just have some on him? Maggie wouldn't have felt the effects for at least 30 minutes. On my final note, if it is a high school reunion wouldn't Maggie, Judd, and Jay all be the same age? Jay is 33, Judd is 30, and you don't even give an age for Maggie. It feels like you were trying to force jokes into the script, especially with that last line at the end. To be honest, I really didn't like the script. Screenrider, you need to post something constructive or don't post at all. I have notice that you do this with many of your "reviews."

Lay down the law, Chongaman! Booyah!

Anyways...
Others might disagree but I thought the opening paragraph was lame.  Basically you have an overwrought way of saying that there is currently NOT a basketball game being played.  Alright...  
So the guys jesus?
Haha, everyones biblical, okay then.  The bad part being most of these jokes wouldn't really come across on screen, ie "moriah" "Maggie"
The apple thing is kinda obvious, specially since they ate it.  Couldn't twist it to being like stealing an apple shaped something or something similar...?  maybe like a mascot stealing prank kinda thing.  But hey, still mildly funny.
Eh once you get into whipping the "money lender" it kinda feels like your pushing it.   Especially with the dialogue "begone!"  Up til then you've only used modern vernacular.  At least keep it like a real fight, just shoving each other and talking normally, then jay c grabs a jump rope.

And the jump to pot seems kinda forced, there's nothing in jays demeanor that suggests he's a stoner or even a rebel, since he's arriving with his mother and pretty  much staying silent.  Not saying it wouldn't work, but you would need some other indications that build up to that.  Maybe more stories about when he was younger and doing stuff at school or whatever.
Also I think you never properly introduced his mom as moriah, wasn't she just described as woman for awhile?
And I know "Judd" needs his silver, but why would there ever be a reward for tipping the cops to some pot brownies?
Also the cops couldn't just arrest him without actually testing the brownies for pot.  But I guess that could slide.
Hmm yea the last line is a little forced, just because the humor doesn't really match up with the rest of the story.  but ohh he's hung, like hes "hanged well"....  yea we get it.  might work if there was more of this class of humor throughout.

I know my comments aren't the most positive, but I did enjoy this.  Kept it pretty low key throughout, where I had problems was when you forced it, as with the marketing pool or whatever guy.  I think just even out some of the tone issues and make the characters a tad more consistent and this will be a pretty good short.

Oh and just thought of this:  Since the pot doesn't really fit his character, why not have someone else bring them, then he takes the fall for it, since that fits him a little better than being the bad one.  Maybe Judd tries to pin it on him, since he's jealous for Maggie.  
Course you'd have to adjust the apple story so it wasn't redundant, but it might be worth it.  Food for thought.

Quoted from Chongamon Screenrider, you need to post something constructive or don't post at all. I have notice that you do this with many of your "reviews."

Mind your own beeswax, Chonga. I said what I said and it came from the heart.  You don't like it, then move on.  

Quoted from screenrider TG, I can appreciate what you were trying to do here.   For me, some parts were good and some parts not so good.  I'm not gonna get into the what's and why's.  Just wanted to acknowledge that I read it and got a chuckle or two.  I liked your actual writing style.  I just think the story itself needs some refining.  But what doesn't.   Again, well done.

So basically you said, "I didn't read this script, but I'm going to post some vague bullshit, so I can whore up on posts." Don't respond to this, I wouldn't want to feed your addiction.

Quoted from Chongamon So basically you said, "I didn't read this script, but I'm going to post some vague bullshit, so I can whore up on posts." Don't respond to this, I wouldn't want to feed your addiction.

You gotta be kidding.

Yeah, 10 pages was way too much for me to read.  You got me, dude.  

Quoted from Chongamon So basically you said, "I didn't read this script, but I'm going to post some vague bullshit, so I can whore up on posts." Don't respond to this, I wouldn't want to feed your addiction.

The irony of this statement is delicious.

I've entered the words you have typed in this post into my MegaWordMixerUpper to see if there is some hidden critique to the posted script. I came up empty handed.

I will address one aspect of your original criticism now (i'll make a longer comment later). The age issue that was brought up... While my method of introducing their ages was inconsistent they were there and their ages could very well be the same. Jay C is 33 (some say Jesus died at 33) Judd was listed as being in his 30s (that includes 33 - I ignored Judas' actual age for the reason that this was a reunion) and Maggie is listed as being "thirty-some" years old (again that could include 33 - actual age of Mary Magdalen is ignored for the reunion).

Sure some of the jokes are forced - they need to fit into certain aspects of the stories. The pot brownies being created from a fig newton is a reference to the Wedding Feast of Cana  where Jesus turned water into wine (wine has an intoxicating affect hence pot and its effect).

I'll address the other references later.

While I appreciate your critiques of my writing I find the hijacking of this for the purpose of bickering to be mostly pointless.

This script read like one scene in a bigger script.  By itself, IMHO, it isn't strong enough to stand on its own.  After the initial set up, it didn't go anywhere.  I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and it never happened.

The opening description shouldn't be there.  Don't tell us what isn't there.  Tell us what is there.

Why would the gym equipment be left out for the reunion?  Wouldn't they put it away?  And wouldn't the reunion be catered.

Over all, the story fell flat for me.  Sorry.


Phil

Quoted from TattooGigolo While I appreciate you're critiques of my writing I find the hijacking of this for the purpose of bickering to be mostly pointless.

Indeed, and agreed.

Cut it out you guys -- SR may not always write the most eloquent of critiques, but I've also read far worse.

We all contribute in our own way.