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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  And She Lost Him Moderators: bert
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  Author    And She Lost Him  (currently 1301 views)
Don
Posted: April 11th, 2010, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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And She Lost Him by Gbenga - Short - A Woman watches the love of her life live his life and dies without letting him know how she feels. 8 pages - pdf, format


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jackx
Posted: April 17th, 2010, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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Not a good idea to put your real address on your title page.  Email would be a better idea.
Text chart?  whats that.  I'm not the formatting expert around here, but i've only seen that done as SUPER:
You really going to tell the whole story with VO?
Especially since the VO is entirely repetitive, she wants him to be hers, she's too shy, she doesn't just want to be friends, etc.
holy jebus, then he kisses her on the cheek again, and she VOs that he wasn't thinking like that.  Kinda impressive that you could be this repetitious in only 4 pages so far.  The advantage being you could save on production cost and just record one voice over and play it repeatedly.

Oh now its text chat?  whichever its supposed to be doesn't really make sense to me.
and take out the "we" in we didn't see the brides face.
and "the guy she loves"  doesn't have a name?
And other than it being obvious how you were setting it up, why would they ever read an old love letter at the guys funeral?  
and how old is this guy when he dies?  assuming its not set in the future he must be pretty young.
And what happened to the guys wife?  wouldn't she be at the funeral?  Wouldn't she be wondering why they're reading a love letter to some other woman?

Alright, overall, not a good script.  Pretty solidly grounded in cliche instant love.  Extremely repetitious to the point of boredom, which isn't acceptable in this short a story.  Nothing stands out about the characters as being worth our attention.  In fact we don't know a single thing about them other than the fact the chick is entirely and dorkily in love with the guy.  Does she have any other personality?  Does he?  
Much more depth is needed for us to care about these people.

Anyways, good effort, good luck in the future.


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Thornton
Posted: July 4th, 2010, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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I should preface this by saying I typically find this type of love-story too slushy for my taste. However, I don't know if it's because you wrote 'A True Story' but I found that very touching.

I wasn't expecting the twist at the end so it had quite an impact.

You have lots of grammatical errors and many of your sentences have incorrect, or inappropriate wording. Your English needs polishing, which is a shame because it detracts from the story. There are also lots of formatting errors. All of this can be corrected by re-working your script.

One last thing.....I didn't really believe the brother reading out the letter at the funeral service - it may be a true story, but that really didn't sound right. You could have the same effect done in a much more believable way. For example, Martha receiving a letter from John the day after the funeral.

Good luck and Writer I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on our reviews.
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Thornton
Posted: July 4th, 2010, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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And one last thing....I liked the repetition....it somehow gave the impression of almost being song-like. Strange, but engaging.  
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naviobb
Posted: July 4th, 2010, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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Engaging, but I read the same story as an email forward couple of years back. The only difference is that yours is in a screenplay.
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