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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Fangs of Justice Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 24th, 2010, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Fangs of Justice by J. Willie - Comedy, Dark, Edgy Comedy - Thirsty for justice, a man and his friends uncover eccentric entities with a far more sinister appetite than their target.  120 pages - pdf, format


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willie
Posted: April 26th, 2010, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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This is so appreciated.  Thanks much Don
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dogglebe
Posted: April 26th, 2010, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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Jay, how are we, the readers, supposed to know that Mikey "is a reporter with a penchant for satire?  And an intuitive that fears the occult"  All that we see is a guy having a drink by the lake.

The same goes for the other characters.

Don't tell us these things; show them to us. Describe things only as the camera can record them.

I read up to page ten (or so) before I stopped. Your concept of courtroom procedure is pretty much non-existent. While I understand that you describe your work as an 'edgy comedy,' I don't see it.  It doesn't work as a comedy, just as a weird story.

Sorry.


Phil

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dogglebe  -  April 26th, 2010, 4:13pm
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willie
Posted: May 3rd, 2010, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for your astute candor.  Absolutely right. A few character descriptions, not all, were changed after analysis was received, and unfortunately before this submission.

The courtroom scenes are "farcical," which by its definition, allows the writer freedom from stringent courtroom procedures.  Perhaps stating a "comedic farce" would help? Then maybe not.

Beyond "page ten, or so" it parodies  the insanity of and mirrors my outrage toward an essentially unregulated sixty billion-dollar a year Teen Help Industry. This project is based on personal familial experience, my subsequent years of research within this industry, and advocacy for its regulations.. Thus, dark and edgy. Obvious literary latitude was taken.  Yes, including the court scenes, that were as wacky in real life, as they are portrayed,

It does not "fit" easily into a packaged genre.  It takes one out of their comfort zone.  

No need to be "sorry" for your opinion.  Although writers essentially bare their souls when posting their work, constructive feedback helps us grow.  

Thank you again, it is appreciated.

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willie  -  May 3rd, 2010, 1:11pm
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