Song In My Heart, A by Cindy L. Keller - Drama - A guardian angel must divert a golddigger's interests from a young man so that he can marry the right girl. 94 pages - pdf, format

Cindy,

I liked it. Your style is very clean. Short narrative paragraphs and short lines of dialogue. Use of full scene headings, mini slugs, flashbacks and inserts didn't intrude on the read.

I assume this is the draft after the coverage you received a while back.  I thought it was awesome feedback and looked forward to reading this draft. I read and listened to your previous three part version but don’t remember many details.

I did wonder about the characters. I know you worked hard to give them tragic backgrounds but, overall, I thought all the characters were just too perfect for their situation. A little grit in the characters would be welcome.  Trisha was interesting, but George and Rebecca are so wholesome I am surprised their teeth didn’t twinkle when in the sunlight. And Roy as the exposition Angel was bordering on being too cute and non-interactive as a guardian angel.

So maybe this script isn’t for me, too cute. But I think it does have a family market though it may be a bit tame for the teens and other audiences.

Gary

Here are my notes:

p. 1 – What is a country singer wannabe doing in Detroit?

p. 3 – “What if I were to win?” seems selfish of George. Wouldn’t he say “What if we were to win?” to include Trisha in his dream?

p. 5 – “Ma Ma” is more commonly used as “mama.”

p. 5 – Why isn’t Nadine included in Roy’s mission?

p. 6 – I liked the lyrics that Rebecca was singing.  I could hear her singing it! BTW, this should be the song playing when the credits roll so make sure it’s copyrighted.

p. 10 – “Bible-toting wife” description for Irene isn’t played out in the script

p. 12 – The accident is the first action in the story.

p. 14 – Why the double insert of Michigan Ave. sign? Once would be enough..

p. 15 – Two hookers conflict with the family theme of this script. They do add some spice.

p. 16 – The line “Oh, shoot. Help me Jesus.” didn’t make sense to me. What did I miss?

p. 16 – The teen thug actions aren’t clear to me. Why is he here?

p. 17 – The butcher is very Obi Wan dispensing wisdom while cutting baloney.

p. 18 – George loses his gig – the second action/event

p. 20 – George catches his girl with another guy – the third action event. Keep the conflicts coming!

p. 22 – Trisha’s concern is about her. “Who’s gonna take care of things?” could be “…take care of me.”

p. 23 – George is on the road to his uncle’s house. Good way to start into the scene. Well done, no need to show him buying the truck. The fourth action/event.

p. 26 – Hell no is a classic line, any way to get that into the dialogue?

p. 26 – Extends rather than expands?

p. 29 – George isn’t talking to his mother? If Trisha’s gone so is the reason for not talking to his mother? BTW, 8 years feels too long for George and Trisha to be together prior to break up.

p. 29 – The parenthetical (interrupting) isn’t needed.

p. 30 – (into phone) is redundant.

This is where I stopped taking detailed notes. Hope these help.

Hi Gary,

Thank you for the read.  

You are right to assume that this is the draft I wrote after the feedback from Scriptsavvy. The beginning of the script is different now, and some other parts in the script are different, too.

Now on to answer your comments.  

I was going for a G or PG rating here. I wanted something that would be fun for the family to see, and leave you with a good feeling at the end. I grew up watching Shirley Temple, Topper, and some other good old movies on the tube on Sunday afternoons, and that is the kind of movie I was trying to go for here, but more brought up to date.

You ask what is a country singer wanna be doing in Detroit, well there's a lot of them here. They play in the bars on weekends. I know, cos I was married to one of them.

You ask why wasn't Nadine included, well, Roy had promised her before she died that he would guide her down the right path. She was in Heaven. He wanted to keep his promise to her, too.

I showed him tipping his hat to the hookers, and them making fun of him as another way to prove that he is in the wrong place. The Help me Jesus line was because they thought he was way too funny.

I used the thug and his music to help open George's eyes that that is the kind of music people are listening to... not country in that area.

George had know Max the butcher for years. I tried to put that across in the dialogue...

I didn't think there was any need to show him buying the truck because he saw it with the sale price on the windshield. I just went on to him driving it in another scene. Figured everyone would get it.  

The song Wounded Angel is mine. It was recorded by Donna Frost in Nashville, so it does have a copyright.  

I guess this is more of a girly movie. Most females like it, while males think it's too cute, but that is okay. It's my story, and I like it a lot.  

Thank you for the read again,

Cindy

Hi Cindy,

I was hoping you would post this after your re-write. You have this entered in a contest don't you?  i will give this a read and get back to you. Take care.

Shawn.....><

Hi Shawn,

I have the "before draft" entered into Page and AAA, and I have the "after Scriptsavvy's feedback draft" entered into Write Movies. So we'll see what happens.  

Just heard that A SONG IN MY HEART made the top 25% at Page.

WAY TO GO CINDY!

Shawn....><

I remember this script from a long time ago.  Good to see it's making its mark!

Way to go, Cindy!

Greg

Congratulations Cindy,

Like Greg, I recall reading and reviewing this some time ago. I’m glad to see you getting somewhere with it.


Breanne

Thanks Shawn, Greg, and Breanne.

Breanne,
Just thought I'd let you know that I used your suggestion, and added a scene about Trisha (the ex) having a breakdown in church.  

Cindy

Cindy, when I tried to read this, I didn't get English words on the page.  Instead I got a bunch of weird symbols.

I'd love to read it as I like light sci-fi.  If you can email it to Ides315R@aol.com, I'd appreciate it.  Thanks, Richard

Quoted from TheRichcraft I'd love to read it as I like light sci-fi.

Sci-fi?

Congratulations Cindy!!! I thought you did a good job on it!  

Thanks for the script being sent to my email address.  It still comes up as weird symbols when I try to bring it up on here.

The script came across as a cross between Ma and  Pa Kettle and Topper with a little Andy Griffith thrown in.  Having Trisha win half of the lottery being her safety net after her breakdown was pure genius.  

Can you explain scriptsavvy and write movies sites to me?  I would really appreciate it very much.  Thank you, Richard Ashcraft

Hi Richard,

That was a quick read.  

It's funny, I like and watch all those shows that you mentioned.  
I added the lottery winnings in there as another way to give Trisha a kick in the rear for being such a brat, but then I started to think about Roy, and how he couldn't just leave her that way.

Now about Scriptsavvy, and Write Movies. They are both screenwriting contests. Scriptsavvy is a monthly contest that gives awesome feedback on the scripts in their contest.  The feedback costs a little (only $20 over the price of the contest or you can pay $60 more and get a full analysis of your script) but it is well worth every penny.

I don't think Write Movies gives feedback, but they only accept 1,000 entries for their contest, so the odds are better. They work with production companies, and will pitch your script if you do good in the contest.

You can find out more about different screenwriting contests at http://www.moviebytes.com

Thanks for the read,

Cindy

Quoted from Grandma Bear Congratulations Cindy!!! I thought you did a good job on it!

Thank you, Pia. This script was fun to write.